Twas the Monday before Christmas and all through the house,
all the creatures WERE stirring...but hopefully not any mice. :O)
The stockings were hung on the entertainment center with care,
in hopes of finding many goodies someday waiting there.
With Becca in her dance costume and Braden in his cami,
they'd just settled down for a long game of Sorry.
When from the living room...arose such a clatter,
we all ran there to see what was the matter.
And what to our wondering eyes should we see,
but Conner and Spencer dressed up like Christmas trees.
Oranments galore and lights in their hair,
wearing smiles so bright...evidence true of their sheer delight.
Our real Christmas tree was sitting in shambles,
But it wasn't for that that I did scramble.
It was for our camera, of course, that I went to find.
The moment was precious and one-of-a-kind.
I came back to the room only to see,
My other two children finishing decorating those "trees."
On top of their heads, ribbons and bows.
The finishing touch for a perfect holiday pose.
The four of them spoke not a word, but giggles were clear to hear.
The chorus of "cheese" and the click of the shutter,
The moment itself sent my heart aflutter.
This family of mine is such a gift! Messes and clutter, I could care less.
I thank my Father above because my heart and life are so very truly blessed.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Life is hard. But God is good.
Life is also unfair...but given that we live in a fallen world, I guess I should expect it. Somehow, it never fails to surprise me, though.
I have spent the past few days trying to ground myself in prayer and in God's Word and failing miserably. Don't get me wrong...I had moments of success, but they were few and far between. I spent these days allowing -- unwittingly at times and knowingly in others -- the enemy to wreak havoc in my life and my heart. Days that I can't get back now and words that I can't retract.
But I think I may perhaps have gained a little bit of wisdom through this wreck of a weekend and so can say this: I cannot allow nasty, bitter people to insinuate their nastiness into my spirit. It doesn't matter how much of God that I put in if a little bit of that "stuff" can wipe it all out in only a few hours of reliving my childhood. All of the insecurity that I carried because of it...all of the pain and resentments that I thought that were gone...they came flooding back from some hidden well of infection that had been festering unbeknownst to me. Either that or the new wound festered really quickly and efficiently. Perhaps it was both.
Regardless...I have to be more careful. I have to protect my spirit man from these attacks. If that means that I can't be in touch with the person in question any more, then I guess that is what I will have to do. I hate the idea of it, but I think that the repurcussions are too far-reaching to take the risk of letting this person have such a powerful effect on my life and the lives of those around me. I don't want to perpetuate nastiness, pain and bitterness. And that's just what happened. I won't ever stop praying for the person because God is forever faithful and I know that change can happen through Him. But I can't allow the person's attitudes affect me...to infect me. No spiritual swine flu for me!
When life's circumstances squeeze me, I want to spurt out the affirmations of God. I don't want to fall into a pit of despair and hopelessness. God has been so faithful to me...I want that to be the legacy that I leave. Not like those who have hurt me and leave me to deal with the pain and negativity in their wake. The fruit will determine where our roots were planted...I have to choose to be solid and to grow fruit that is sweet and plentiful. I want to have deep roots and full, thriving branches -- proof that I'm being quenched by the Living Water. I don't want to be withered and dry...easily burnt, easily blown away or quickly eroded by the lies and tactics of the enemy.
I guess the bottom line is that we live in a world of polar opposites. The Earth has a North and a South Pole....land and water. Magnets have a positive and negative end. We can choose ketchup or mustard for our hot dogs. Peanut Butter and bananas or peanut butter and jelly? And the biggest set: The devil is bad and God is Good. But what I need to remember is that we do not have to willingly be taken captive by the enemy -- we can take a stand and we can refuse to be caught between the rock and the harder place. We can jump up on that rock and claim authority. We HAVE to fight the good fight. And we have to remember that love and kindness will win a lot more souls -- and friends -- than bitterness, insecurity and anger.
If people could look in me and see my spirit man today, they'd see someone who is battered and bruised....much like the little girl used to be. But they'd also see that spirit man smiling and giving thanks -- because 'he' knows that she's been forgiven and that God loves her anyway. And that's the lesson, folks, Life is hard. But Love always wins.
I have spent the past few days trying to ground myself in prayer and in God's Word and failing miserably. Don't get me wrong...I had moments of success, but they were few and far between. I spent these days allowing -- unwittingly at times and knowingly in others -- the enemy to wreak havoc in my life and my heart. Days that I can't get back now and words that I can't retract.
But I think I may perhaps have gained a little bit of wisdom through this wreck of a weekend and so can say this: I cannot allow nasty, bitter people to insinuate their nastiness into my spirit. It doesn't matter how much of God that I put in if a little bit of that "stuff" can wipe it all out in only a few hours of reliving my childhood. All of the insecurity that I carried because of it...all of the pain and resentments that I thought that were gone...they came flooding back from some hidden well of infection that had been festering unbeknownst to me. Either that or the new wound festered really quickly and efficiently. Perhaps it was both.
Regardless...I have to be more careful. I have to protect my spirit man from these attacks. If that means that I can't be in touch with the person in question any more, then I guess that is what I will have to do. I hate the idea of it, but I think that the repurcussions are too far-reaching to take the risk of letting this person have such a powerful effect on my life and the lives of those around me. I don't want to perpetuate nastiness, pain and bitterness. And that's just what happened. I won't ever stop praying for the person because God is forever faithful and I know that change can happen through Him. But I can't allow the person's attitudes affect me...to infect me. No spiritual swine flu for me!
When life's circumstances squeeze me, I want to spurt out the affirmations of God. I don't want to fall into a pit of despair and hopelessness. God has been so faithful to me...I want that to be the legacy that I leave. Not like those who have hurt me and leave me to deal with the pain and negativity in their wake. The fruit will determine where our roots were planted...I have to choose to be solid and to grow fruit that is sweet and plentiful. I want to have deep roots and full, thriving branches -- proof that I'm being quenched by the Living Water. I don't want to be withered and dry...easily burnt, easily blown away or quickly eroded by the lies and tactics of the enemy.
I guess the bottom line is that we live in a world of polar opposites. The Earth has a North and a South Pole....land and water. Magnets have a positive and negative end. We can choose ketchup or mustard for our hot dogs. Peanut Butter and bananas or peanut butter and jelly? And the biggest set: The devil is bad and God is Good. But what I need to remember is that we do not have to willingly be taken captive by the enemy -- we can take a stand and we can refuse to be caught between the rock and the harder place. We can jump up on that rock and claim authority. We HAVE to fight the good fight. And we have to remember that love and kindness will win a lot more souls -- and friends -- than bitterness, insecurity and anger.
If people could look in me and see my spirit man today, they'd see someone who is battered and bruised....much like the little girl used to be. But they'd also see that spirit man smiling and giving thanks -- because 'he' knows that she's been forgiven and that God loves her anyway. And that's the lesson, folks, Life is hard. But Love always wins.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Ready, Set.....GLOW!
I know we've all heard how God meets us right where we are and answers our prayers in His perfect timing. Well, I have heard loud and clear today!! Praise Him!
I am subscribed to several different e-devotionals and I read several different blogs -- all of them lift me up, make me think, amuse me, and teach me. I love my cyber friends! Anyhoo, I've mentioned the Proverbs 31 Ministries in the past and I'm about to again. I get their e-devotional every day and today's was just phenomenal. I'll put the link above. Just click on the button "Read Today's Devotion."
So, for me, who's been on this quest for the last year and a half or two years....this was so PERFECT!!
The writer is Van Walton and the devotional was titled "Shine." This is just a snippet...
"It really doesn't matter where you are. You are in me and I am in you. Wherever you live, wherever you go, wherever you work, you will find people who need Me. Introduce them to your heavenly Father. Live a life that encourages others to seek Me. Love all people. Teach them how to live. Use your life, your actions, and My Word. This is what you can do whether you live here or there. Remember, wherever you go, I am with you. Wherever you go take me with you and let your light shine." ""
Now how's that for divine guidance, friends??!! Yay!! I'm so excited and I feel so very blessed. How simple, but how perfect: SHINE. Okay, so I can do that!
Thank you, Father God, for giving me revelation and for giving me direction. Even though it probably should have been common sense, I love the fact that you use whatever tools work for each of us individually to reach out and grab us into Your arms right where we are -- wherever we are. You've got my heart and my life, Father. Help me to use them to the fullest for Your kingdom. In Jesus's name I pray! Amen.
I am subscribed to several different e-devotionals and I read several different blogs -- all of them lift me up, make me think, amuse me, and teach me. I love my cyber friends! Anyhoo, I've mentioned the Proverbs 31 Ministries in the past and I'm about to again. I get their e-devotional every day and today's was just phenomenal. I'll put the link above. Just click on the button "Read Today's Devotion."
So, for me, who's been on this quest for the last year and a half or two years....this was so PERFECT!!
The writer is Van Walton and the devotional was titled "Shine." This is just a snippet...
""I began to realize that God was not going to tell me where to move. He had a message for me. I remember it to this day, twenty-two years later.
"It really doesn't matter where you are. You are in me and I am in you. Wherever you live, wherever you go, wherever you work, you will find people who need Me. Introduce them to your heavenly Father. Live a life that encourages others to seek Me. Love all people. Teach them how to live. Use your life, your actions, and My Word. This is what you can do whether you live here or there. Remember, wherever you go, I am with you. Wherever you go take me with you and let your light shine." ""
Now how's that for divine guidance, friends??!! Yay!! I'm so excited and I feel so very blessed. How simple, but how perfect: SHINE. Okay, so I can do that!
Thank you, Father God, for giving me revelation and for giving me direction. Even though it probably should have been common sense, I love the fact that you use whatever tools work for each of us individually to reach out and grab us into Your arms right where we are -- wherever we are. You've got my heart and my life, Father. Help me to use them to the fullest for Your kingdom. In Jesus's name I pray! Amen.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Get thee behind me, Satan!!!
So, here's the story, my friends, and it might be a long one, so settle in. Grab a soda and some chips and put your feet up and gird yourself. 'Cause here it comes:
So, for the past few weeks, I've been dealing with some major insecurity issues -- basically, John quitting his job really caused a crisis of mammoth proportion within me. I've had major issues regarding our relationship (I'm going through the Love Dare workbook -- from the movie "Fireproof" currently in an attempt to alleviate some of the emotions I've been struggling with), but I've also been having some major insecurity issues about myself as an individual. I've never been the most secure or the most "comfortable in my own skin" person to start with, but the past two years have really wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life and outlook. That's not necessarily a bad thing, as I've really been seeking God and trying to figure things out on His level and based on His economy. As I posted yesterday, I've spent countless hours contemplating where we are supposed to be and go and do. Yada, yada, yada.....
So, yesterday, in that same above-mentioned post, I posted a link to Pastor Beth's e-devo and also named and claimed the victory and the victorious life, in Jesus' mighty name. I still do. (Amen. Again.) Don't forget this because this will turn out to be a major plot element in what transpired today.
So, anyway, again....plagued by insecurities. The negative tapes have been running in my head almost constantly, telling me that we're never going to be successful, that we're going to always be living in these kind of conditions, that we'll never be able to provide for our kids, that really God doesn't want to use me in His church and that I have no talents to share anyway. I've been trying to self-talk my way around this stuff, somehow on a day-to-day basis without dwelling too much on any of it...because in my heart of hearts, I know that these things aren't true, but I really didn't see it for what it was until tonight.
When I got up today, I just felt absolutely slimed....like I was moving through sludge, all morning long. I even posted on facebook today that it felt like I was in slow motion. Again, didn't really connect that to anything except perhaps that I didn't get enough sleep.
So, we're on the way to Conner's gymnastics class today and I was listening to Charles Swindoll's "Insight for Living" broadcast. Becca tried to interrupt the program to tell me something and I asked her to wait until I was done listening to the program to talk to me. Well, when he was done making his point a few minutes later, Rebecca couldn't remember what she wanted to tell me. So, then I felt bad for prioritizing a radio program over my child. So, I thought about it for a few minutes and I said to the kids that we needed a keyword....something that we could say at anytime to get the other's attention immediately....so that we would know, in our family, when one of us says that word....we need to stop what we're doing and listen. The word "sparkle" popped into my head. The kids thought that was a great word...not something we use in conversation very much and that would be something we could always recognize. So, of course, they "sparkled" up the conversation several times today, just for practice. :P Nothing really important, mind you....just wanted to see if it would work. It did. Hopefully, it will not be a "boy who cried wolf" scenario or we might have to scrap the idea, but we'll see. As you'll see later as I go on with the story, it did serve a purpose today, however. A HUGE one.
So, if you've known me for a lot of years, you probably remember the complexion problems I had in my late teens and early 20's. It was bad -- alot of little cystic acne and just overall ugly stuff. Needless to say, it caused a lot of insecurity on my part about my appearance, etc. My dad calling me "pizza face" and teasing me about it probably didn't help either, but difficult parents will have to be for another post on another day. Lately, though, like for the past 10 or 12 years -- my skin has not been so bad and it's been such a relief. Anyone who has ever suffered with acne can relate, I'm sure. I have to say I am a huge fan of Proactiv. Not that I've been able to afford it for the last year or so, but still....huge fan.
Well, this afternoon, one of the kids said I had a blackhead on my nose. Well, couldn't be having that. So, I went to take care of said blemish. *sigh* The next thing I know, I have a needle in my hand, blood running down my face, and I look like I'd been on the rack and tortured or something. The blackheads were gone, the little cysts were gone, but my face was rather mutilated and quite swollen and I looked pretty atrocious....like some freak of nature or that "pizza face" kid all over again. I really don't remember much about all of it except that I remember thinking that I HAD to get those cysts out of my face and that maybe if I just scraped all my skin off, it would come back better. It was like I was in a trance or something.
So, a couple of hours went by and I was REALLY freaked out. And every time I went by a mirror, I got more and more freaked out. I had things to do...I had my class at church tonight and I have business appointments tomorrow night -- what on earth had I done to myself and WHY?
It suddenly dawned on me that it was definitely some sort of spiritual warfare and an absolute attack from the enemy. I felt a really strong need to reach out to someone, but I really didn't want my kids to hear me talk about this and so I just sent out a prayer request via e-mail to a few of the ladies that I'm in contact with regularly. But still, I was really freaked out. And I knew the first thing John would ask me when I picked him up from work was "What on earth happened to you?!" And of course, that's the first thing he said. And after that, I was just worried about having to face the people at church with my mutilated face. That, too, I'm sure was just part of the attack....trying to keep me away from anything to do with fulfilling God's purpose for my life. (The class is all about figuring out where you would best be suited to serve God and His kingdom. *cough* cough* See where we're going here??)
So, anyway, we head back home and it takes about all of my willpower to pull myself together to get out the door to go to class. Then on the way there, a box truck almost hits the van and almost runs me off the freeway...yet another attack, trying to keep me from making it to church at all.
I finally get there...right on time, I might add....after telling John specifically that I wanted to get there a bit early so I could make sure to get a seat at a table since taking notes is rather difficult on my lap. But of course, where did I end up again? In the chairs to the side -- NOT at a table again. But then again, it's all good and I'm just relieved to be there in one piece. However, I would not have been opposed to being able to hide behind a pillar or some other obstacle for the whole class. Alas, that was not an option and the poor 75 other people in the room were exposed to the horror that was my face. *sigh*
Then, as I struggled to focus on the lesson at hand and keep my mind off the attack that took place in my house that day, a few things start shaping up in my mind. Although I knew it was an attack, I really hadn't connected it to anything "big picture" wise. However, while I was sitting there in the house of the Lord, the puzzle pieces all started to come together regarding the 1) my mounting insecurities, 2) Pastor Beth's e-devo from yesterday, and 3) my blog post regarding it. Not to mention the fact that I'm in the middle of a 5-week class about serving God and we're attempting to start a new business at the same time. Oh, and the small fact that I am expecting to start ministry school through the church in September. So, basically I realized that I've got this huge bullseye on my head and the enemy was using me for target practice today -- LITERALLY.
So, as I sit there with mounting excitement, just over the fact that all of it is starting to make sense, I tune back into the lesson and Pastor Jen is talking about how to figure out what our gifts are and some ways to pinpoint God's call on your life. So, she says, "What is it that you do that makes you sparkle? What is it that you do that makes you leave the room feeling like you're just sparkling?"
What??!! Hello?! You've got to be kidding me?! How many times do you hear the word sparkle in conversation? And, come on, on the same day that you and your kids decide that this is going to be your keyword for "Sit up and pay attention!?" Talk about sneaky God stuff......
Needless to say, I did sit up and pay attention. Literally and in my spirit. So, then I continued connecting all the dots of the events of this day in particular....together with all the stuff about how for the past year and a half (at least), I've been on this quest to find out what God's call is for my/our life. Let's just say that I was getting more than a little bit excited.
So, I sit there continuing to ponder the wonder of it all (If that sounds like a song, it is....by Point of Grace. You're welcome. It's awesome...you'll love it if you don't already know it.) A half hour or 45 minutes passes and now we're in the chapter about specific giftings of the spirit -- specifically, distinguishing between spirits (1 Cor. 12:1-11).
Pastor Jen starts telling us about a "vision" (I don't think she used that term, but basically that's what it was) that she had before she and her famly started coming to VFC. Since she shared it with our whole class, I'm hoping it's okay that I share it here....as it's kind of vital to my ultimate revelation. Anyhoo, she said she was sitting in the sanctuary of her previous church one day and she had this moment where all of sudden she could "see" this hazy curtain or film between herself and the rest of the congregation. On the other side of this curtain, the people were all kind of in slow motion and moving slow and very sluggish. On her side, everything was crystal clear and crisp. She said this only lasted for a few seconds, but it was long enough for the Holy Spirit to speak to her regarding the decision they'd been struggling with about leaving that church. They needed to not be "slow motion" Christians and they needed to move forward in clarity. Again, my words, not necessarily hers...but the general gist is the same. My first thought was..."Did she really just say "slow motion?" Because that's exactly what I posted on FB earlier today!?"
In that moment, again....kind of an extension of the "sparkle" moment...the Holy Spirit brought me to an amazing realization: Not only was I supposed to sit up and take notice of this whole "process" that I'm going through, He used this imagery specifically to tell me and to show me that the veil in our lives is being rent -- it's being torn in two. Just as the veil that protected the Holy of Holies was rent in the tabernacle in that moment when Jesus died....the veil is being rent in our lives right now. We ARE victorious and we HAVE won the war. I may have to bear the signs of the battle on my face for a few more days, but the enemy will NOT win this fight. I do not have to lay down and die because he decides to attack me. He who is in me is greater than he who is in this world. And God has a plan for us and for me...and His plan will overcome the plans of His enemy. I do not have to walk through my life slimed and in slow motion any longer. I do not belong to him and neither do my husband or my kids. I will speak not only excellence over every area of our lives, I will speak prosperity and being blessed to be a blessing over our lives!! I will realize God's calling on my life and I will live to realize His plans accomplished!!!
I'm so happy and so excited that I wish I could hug ya'll!! But since I can't I'll just hush for now and say thank you for your prayers and thank you for sticking with me through this perilously long post. But wasn't it just worth it?! Can I hear an "AMEN?"
*****Hallelujah...Praise you, Lord! And thank you, for being so faithful and sharing some of your vision with me. Thank you for that encouragement. I ask, Father, that you would grace my friends and family with some of that same encouraging revelation, tailored specifically for their situations. I thank you for the insight for living that you gave me today...and I thank you for sparkling your way into my consciousness. You are an awesome and amazing God and I thank you for sending your only begotten son to die on the cross for a sinner like me. I love you and again, I thank you. In Jesus' mighty name. Amen.****
So, for the past few weeks, I've been dealing with some major insecurity issues -- basically, John quitting his job really caused a crisis of mammoth proportion within me. I've had major issues regarding our relationship (I'm going through the Love Dare workbook -- from the movie "Fireproof" currently in an attempt to alleviate some of the emotions I've been struggling with), but I've also been having some major insecurity issues about myself as an individual. I've never been the most secure or the most "comfortable in my own skin" person to start with, but the past two years have really wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life and outlook. That's not necessarily a bad thing, as I've really been seeking God and trying to figure things out on His level and based on His economy. As I posted yesterday, I've spent countless hours contemplating where we are supposed to be and go and do. Yada, yada, yada.....
So, yesterday, in that same above-mentioned post, I posted a link to Pastor Beth's e-devo and also named and claimed the victory and the victorious life, in Jesus' mighty name. I still do. (Amen. Again.) Don't forget this because this will turn out to be a major plot element in what transpired today.
So, anyway, again....plagued by insecurities. The negative tapes have been running in my head almost constantly, telling me that we're never going to be successful, that we're going to always be living in these kind of conditions, that we'll never be able to provide for our kids, that really God doesn't want to use me in His church and that I have no talents to share anyway. I've been trying to self-talk my way around this stuff, somehow on a day-to-day basis without dwelling too much on any of it...because in my heart of hearts, I know that these things aren't true, but I really didn't see it for what it was until tonight.
When I got up today, I just felt absolutely slimed....like I was moving through sludge, all morning long. I even posted on facebook today that it felt like I was in slow motion. Again, didn't really connect that to anything except perhaps that I didn't get enough sleep.
So, we're on the way to Conner's gymnastics class today and I was listening to Charles Swindoll's "Insight for Living" broadcast. Becca tried to interrupt the program to tell me something and I asked her to wait until I was done listening to the program to talk to me. Well, when he was done making his point a few minutes later, Rebecca couldn't remember what she wanted to tell me. So, then I felt bad for prioritizing a radio program over my child. So, I thought about it for a few minutes and I said to the kids that we needed a keyword....something that we could say at anytime to get the other's attention immediately....so that we would know, in our family, when one of us says that word....we need to stop what we're doing and listen. The word "sparkle" popped into my head. The kids thought that was a great word...not something we use in conversation very much and that would be something we could always recognize. So, of course, they "sparkled" up the conversation several times today, just for practice. :P Nothing really important, mind you....just wanted to see if it would work. It did. Hopefully, it will not be a "boy who cried wolf" scenario or we might have to scrap the idea, but we'll see. As you'll see later as I go on with the story, it did serve a purpose today, however. A HUGE one.
So, if you've known me for a lot of years, you probably remember the complexion problems I had in my late teens and early 20's. It was bad -- alot of little cystic acne and just overall ugly stuff. Needless to say, it caused a lot of insecurity on my part about my appearance, etc. My dad calling me "pizza face" and teasing me about it probably didn't help either, but difficult parents will have to be for another post on another day. Lately, though, like for the past 10 or 12 years -- my skin has not been so bad and it's been such a relief. Anyone who has ever suffered with acne can relate, I'm sure. I have to say I am a huge fan of Proactiv. Not that I've been able to afford it for the last year or so, but still....huge fan.
Well, this afternoon, one of the kids said I had a blackhead on my nose. Well, couldn't be having that. So, I went to take care of said blemish. *sigh* The next thing I know, I have a needle in my hand, blood running down my face, and I look like I'd been on the rack and tortured or something. The blackheads were gone, the little cysts were gone, but my face was rather mutilated and quite swollen and I looked pretty atrocious....like some freak of nature or that "pizza face" kid all over again. I really don't remember much about all of it except that I remember thinking that I HAD to get those cysts out of my face and that maybe if I just scraped all my skin off, it would come back better. It was like I was in a trance or something.
So, a couple of hours went by and I was REALLY freaked out. And every time I went by a mirror, I got more and more freaked out. I had things to do...I had my class at church tonight and I have business appointments tomorrow night -- what on earth had I done to myself and WHY?
It suddenly dawned on me that it was definitely some sort of spiritual warfare and an absolute attack from the enemy. I felt a really strong need to reach out to someone, but I really didn't want my kids to hear me talk about this and so I just sent out a prayer request via e-mail to a few of the ladies that I'm in contact with regularly. But still, I was really freaked out. And I knew the first thing John would ask me when I picked him up from work was "What on earth happened to you?!" And of course, that's the first thing he said. And after that, I was just worried about having to face the people at church with my mutilated face. That, too, I'm sure was just part of the attack....trying to keep me away from anything to do with fulfilling God's purpose for my life. (The class is all about figuring out where you would best be suited to serve God and His kingdom. *cough* cough* See where we're going here??)
So, anyway, we head back home and it takes about all of my willpower to pull myself together to get out the door to go to class. Then on the way there, a box truck almost hits the van and almost runs me off the freeway...yet another attack, trying to keep me from making it to church at all.
I finally get there...right on time, I might add....after telling John specifically that I wanted to get there a bit early so I could make sure to get a seat at a table since taking notes is rather difficult on my lap. But of course, where did I end up again? In the chairs to the side -- NOT at a table again. But then again, it's all good and I'm just relieved to be there in one piece. However, I would not have been opposed to being able to hide behind a pillar or some other obstacle for the whole class. Alas, that was not an option and the poor 75 other people in the room were exposed to the horror that was my face. *sigh*
Then, as I struggled to focus on the lesson at hand and keep my mind off the attack that took place in my house that day, a few things start shaping up in my mind. Although I knew it was an attack, I really hadn't connected it to anything "big picture" wise. However, while I was sitting there in the house of the Lord, the puzzle pieces all started to come together regarding the 1) my mounting insecurities, 2) Pastor Beth's e-devo from yesterday, and 3) my blog post regarding it. Not to mention the fact that I'm in the middle of a 5-week class about serving God and we're attempting to start a new business at the same time. Oh, and the small fact that I am expecting to start ministry school through the church in September. So, basically I realized that I've got this huge bullseye on my head and the enemy was using me for target practice today -- LITERALLY.
So, as I sit there with mounting excitement, just over the fact that all of it is starting to make sense, I tune back into the lesson and Pastor Jen is talking about how to figure out what our gifts are and some ways to pinpoint God's call on your life. So, she says, "What is it that you do that makes you sparkle? What is it that you do that makes you leave the room feeling like you're just sparkling?"
What??!! Hello?! You've got to be kidding me?! How many times do you hear the word sparkle in conversation? And, come on, on the same day that you and your kids decide that this is going to be your keyword for "Sit up and pay attention!?" Talk about sneaky God stuff......
Needless to say, I did sit up and pay attention. Literally and in my spirit. So, then I continued connecting all the dots of the events of this day in particular....together with all the stuff about how for the past year and a half (at least), I've been on this quest to find out what God's call is for my/our life. Let's just say that I was getting more than a little bit excited.
So, I sit there continuing to ponder the wonder of it all (If that sounds like a song, it is....by Point of Grace. You're welcome. It's awesome...you'll love it if you don't already know it.) A half hour or 45 minutes passes and now we're in the chapter about specific giftings of the spirit -- specifically, distinguishing between spirits (1 Cor. 12:1-11).
Pastor Jen starts telling us about a "vision" (I don't think she used that term, but basically that's what it was) that she had before she and her famly started coming to VFC. Since she shared it with our whole class, I'm hoping it's okay that I share it here....as it's kind of vital to my ultimate revelation. Anyhoo, she said she was sitting in the sanctuary of her previous church one day and she had this moment where all of sudden she could "see" this hazy curtain or film between herself and the rest of the congregation. On the other side of this curtain, the people were all kind of in slow motion and moving slow and very sluggish. On her side, everything was crystal clear and crisp. She said this only lasted for a few seconds, but it was long enough for the Holy Spirit to speak to her regarding the decision they'd been struggling with about leaving that church. They needed to not be "slow motion" Christians and they needed to move forward in clarity. Again, my words, not necessarily hers...but the general gist is the same. My first thought was..."Did she really just say "slow motion?" Because that's exactly what I posted on FB earlier today!?"
In that moment, again....kind of an extension of the "sparkle" moment...the Holy Spirit brought me to an amazing realization: Not only was I supposed to sit up and take notice of this whole "process" that I'm going through, He used this imagery specifically to tell me and to show me that the veil in our lives is being rent -- it's being torn in two. Just as the veil that protected the Holy of Holies was rent in the tabernacle in that moment when Jesus died....the veil is being rent in our lives right now. We ARE victorious and we HAVE won the war. I may have to bear the signs of the battle on my face for a few more days, but the enemy will NOT win this fight. I do not have to lay down and die because he decides to attack me. He who is in me is greater than he who is in this world. And God has a plan for us and for me...and His plan will overcome the plans of His enemy. I do not have to walk through my life slimed and in slow motion any longer. I do not belong to him and neither do my husband or my kids. I will speak not only excellence over every area of our lives, I will speak prosperity and being blessed to be a blessing over our lives!! I will realize God's calling on my life and I will live to realize His plans accomplished!!!
I'm so happy and so excited that I wish I could hug ya'll!! But since I can't I'll just hush for now and say thank you for your prayers and thank you for sticking with me through this perilously long post. But wasn't it just worth it?! Can I hear an "AMEN?"
*****Hallelujah...Praise you, Lord! And thank you, for being so faithful and sharing some of your vision with me. Thank you for that encouragement. I ask, Father, that you would grace my friends and family with some of that same encouraging revelation, tailored specifically for their situations. I thank you for the insight for living that you gave me today...and I thank you for sparkling your way into my consciousness. You are an awesome and amazing God and I thank you for sending your only begotten son to die on the cross for a sinner like me. I love you and again, I thank you. In Jesus' mighty name. Amen.****
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Chock full of nuts
So, here's the deal. If you have read my blog for any length of time (sporatic though the posts may be), there has been a consistent theme since I started. I have been struggling to find direction and God's purpose for my life. Living a roller-coaster Christian experience.
I spent time today dissecting an e-devo from one of the pastors at my church that I got today. It got me so excited and I was so in awe that I couldn't NOT talk about it here. I have been slowly coming to terms with these things since starting to attend Valley Family Church here last fall. However, I have never seen something that so described me in such a perfect, proverbial "nutshell" before. I give you, I'm a nut, all right....but I want to be identified as a "Jesus-junkie" (thanks Tricia and Erika), "crazy for Christ" nut, not just a deluded, out-of-touch nut.
So, Pastor Beth....thank you! This was awesome and touched me in ways that I'm sure I haven't fully explored yet. Check out this link: http://edevos.bethjones.org and click on "Give me a V" to read it in its entirety.
But, Lord God, I name this and I claim this....in Jesus' mighty name! I will be a victorious nut and proud of it! Anybody with me?!
[Scripture references Pastor Beth Jones cited: 1 John 5:4-5, 2 Corinthians 2:14, Romans 8:37]
I spent time today dissecting an e-devo from one of the pastors at my church that I got today. It got me so excited and I was so in awe that I couldn't NOT talk about it here. I have been slowly coming to terms with these things since starting to attend Valley Family Church here last fall. However, I have never seen something that so described me in such a perfect, proverbial "nutshell" before. I give you, I'm a nut, all right....but I want to be identified as a "Jesus-junkie" (thanks Tricia and Erika), "crazy for Christ" nut, not just a deluded, out-of-touch nut.
So, Pastor Beth....thank you! This was awesome and touched me in ways that I'm sure I haven't fully explored yet. Check out this link: http://edevos.bethjones.org and click on "Give me a V" to read it in its entirety.
But, Lord God, I name this and I claim this....in Jesus' mighty name! I will be a victorious nut and proud of it! Anybody with me?!
[Scripture references Pastor Beth Jones cited: 1 John 5:4-5, 2 Corinthians 2:14, Romans 8:37]
Friday, May 15, 2009
Love and Hate...not necessarily in that order
Okay, ya'll here's my rant of the day: I hate scams. UGH! For the girl who would've been voted "Most Gullible" in high school or maybe I was....it's late, I can't quite remember.....I just really hate the fact that there are so many internet scams out there. And yes, I have fallen hook, line and dollar (many -- way TOO many dollars!) for several different ones. Guilty. However, having gotten scammed made me a little bit more cautious and a lot more suspicious. So I check things out THOROUGHLY before I even consider buying/subscribing/falling for whatever is being advertised.
Case in point: Today, Yahoo! had a headline in their "Marketplace" box that read: "Heart Attack Survival: Hugh Downs on little known symptom sadly ignore in Bottom Line book." I clicked on the headline to go to the ad, because I was understandably curious. Especially after my little scare in February. But, the ad looked suspicious to that Sherlock Holmes wannabe inside of me....like I said, I've fallen victim one too many times to just believe everything I read anymore. But I clicked on the "continue" button at the bottom of the page anyway. The next page wanted more information about me -- contact information, etc. But it also gave the company's name and address. So, given my naturally suspicious and cautious nature (cough, cough), I went to the Better Business Bureau website and looked said company up. Low and behold, they have an F rating with the BBB.
Can we talk? I mean, come on! This was the front page -- the home page -- of the Yahoo! website. Seriously. How important are advertising dollars - even in this economy - that such a huge internet force would allow advertisements from a company that has an F rating? Does integrity not matter anymore? Does trust and reliability mean nothing? I am so very disappointed. I did sent Yahoo! an e-mail with the pertinent information. I really hope that I'm wrong, but truly I am not so naive as to think that they'll actually do something about it or care. And I hate that. I hate that I automatically think the worst instead of hoping for the best. However, considering the hoops that I had to jump through to actually get to a place and a form where I could e-mail them, I really hope they respond. They don't make it easy for people to get in touch with them -- which in and of itself just affirms my theory that they DON'T/WON'T CARE. *sigh* Politics really just wear a girl out.
But now that we've got the bad news out of the way....let's end on a happy note! I heart Facebook! :O) I just signed up today and it's officially official, I'm in love -- or okay, infatuation. Because it'll probably cool off in a few days, but at this point, I find it totally cool to chat with people that I've been missing for half my life and didn't even know that I missed until I saw their name again. Some people I acknowledge that I knew I missed (I'm not clueless about EVERYTHING, friends) but some people, I just saw their name and I was taken back in time. It may sound really new age-y and ya'll who know me know that I am so NOT, but I am totally of the belief that if you truly connect with someone, you're never the same after that connection. They're a part of your history and your life. So to re-connect with people who had an impact on you...even 20 or 25 years ago, is so WOW in my book! Or my Facebook, as the case may be.
And what's really sad is the fact that I've probably said/typed/thought "Like" and "You know" and "Totally" more today than I have in about 20 years and I have to attribute that to the bad influence of the people's names that I saw in the Facebook pages today....because you know, it's like totally got to be their fault because I like totally don't talk that way normally. You know?
Just chalk it up to me needing rest, folks. Rest and a vacation. And perhaps some medication (or a margarita?) to help me relax. A restful medicated vacation. Calgon......totally take me away.
Case in point: Today, Yahoo! had a headline in their "Marketplace" box that read: "Heart Attack Survival: Hugh Downs on little known symptom sadly ignore in Bottom Line book." I clicked on the headline to go to the ad, because I was understandably curious. Especially after my little scare in February. But, the ad looked suspicious to that Sherlock Holmes wannabe inside of me....like I said, I've fallen victim one too many times to just believe everything I read anymore. But I clicked on the "continue" button at the bottom of the page anyway. The next page wanted more information about me -- contact information, etc. But it also gave the company's name and address. So, given my naturally suspicious and cautious nature (cough, cough), I went to the Better Business Bureau website and looked said company up. Low and behold, they have an F rating with the BBB.
Can we talk? I mean, come on! This was the front page -- the home page -- of the Yahoo! website. Seriously. How important are advertising dollars - even in this economy - that such a huge internet force would allow advertisements from a company that has an F rating? Does integrity not matter anymore? Does trust and reliability mean nothing? I am so very disappointed. I did sent Yahoo! an e-mail with the pertinent information. I really hope that I'm wrong, but truly I am not so naive as to think that they'll actually do something about it or care. And I hate that. I hate that I automatically think the worst instead of hoping for the best. However, considering the hoops that I had to jump through to actually get to a place and a form where I could e-mail them, I really hope they respond. They don't make it easy for people to get in touch with them -- which in and of itself just affirms my theory that they DON'T/WON'T CARE. *sigh* Politics really just wear a girl out.
But now that we've got the bad news out of the way....let's end on a happy note! I heart Facebook! :O) I just signed up today and it's officially official, I'm in love -- or okay, infatuation. Because it'll probably cool off in a few days, but at this point, I find it totally cool to chat with people that I've been missing for half my life and didn't even know that I missed until I saw their name again. Some people I acknowledge that I knew I missed (I'm not clueless about EVERYTHING, friends) but some people, I just saw their name and I was taken back in time. It may sound really new age-y and ya'll who know me know that I am so NOT, but I am totally of the belief that if you truly connect with someone, you're never the same after that connection. They're a part of your history and your life. So to re-connect with people who had an impact on you...even 20 or 25 years ago, is so WOW in my book! Or my Facebook, as the case may be.
And what's really sad is the fact that I've probably said/typed/thought "Like" and "You know" and "Totally" more today than I have in about 20 years and I have to attribute that to the bad influence of the people's names that I saw in the Facebook pages today....because you know, it's like totally got to be their fault because I like totally don't talk that way normally. You know?
Just chalk it up to me needing rest, folks. Rest and a vacation. And perhaps some medication (or a margarita?) to help me relax. A restful medicated vacation. Calgon......totally take me away.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
My Soapbox Moment of the Day: Why I think we should step off and leave the Gosselin's in peace
Okay, can I just say that I feel for these people?
Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been my favorite show for like a year and a half now. And for someone who pretty much has given up TV watching, that's saying a lot. But in the past day or two, I've become so disheartened. I'm so bummed that something that was such great family fun is being turned into something sordid and nasty. I really enjoyed watching their family negotiate it's way through the challenges of raising two sets of multiples and all the personality clashes that go along with raising a large family -- including the parents' personalities. I was excited for them that their show was opening up great opportunities for them and that their circumstances were allowing them to take their kids on vacations and to enjoy each other's company. I was excited that Jon had the opportunity to work from home so that he could be with the family more often. I was happy for them that they got a new house where they could be more comfortable and allow the kids to have more private space.
But this current publicity is just driving me crazy. And while I realize that Satan is this way, I just feel like it's really sad. In the beginning, I was just like -- "No way, just chalk it up to paparazzi and the media not allowing anything to be righteous and good in this world. Everyone is a little jealous and so wants to detract from a real, but solid marriage/family." But the more time goes by, the more and more news reports and the more and more people jumping in to give their two cents, I just have to wonder if there is something to all the rumors and all the magazine covers, after all. Personally, I am quite like an ostrich -- happy to live with my head in the sand, but come on now...there is a point where even I have to face facts.
I understand, however -- ahem! and so should the rest of TV viewers --that I don't have any facts other than what I hear reported on the internet/news. And understandably, most of those "facts" will be distorted and are not, indeed, truly facts. Everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame. But even the most idealistic optimist has to be somewhat pragmatic at some point and understand that where there is smoke, most likely there is some sort of fire.
I'm just getting really tired of it all and if I am, how must Jon and Kate (let alone their poor family and friends) feel?
So, here's the deal....my bottom line is that I'm going to pray wholeheartedly for them and for the healing of their relationship and for the wounds that this media storm has caused. For what God has put together, let no man put asunder!
I'm also going to pray that the paparazzi and the media start respecting their privacy, for goodness' sakes. I realize that Jon and Kate did create this fishbowl that they live in, but there comes a point where we have to understand that, even though we're the public that made the show what it is, we have no right to pry any further inside than we've been invited. And in no way have any of us been invited into their personal relationship or the mistakes made therein! They opened their door to show us their lives but they did not invite us into their family in anything more than a superficial way. The invitation did not include the right to decimate their family and destroy their bonds of trust -- those things require an invitation of intimacy that was not extended to any of us!
Any poor decisions and poor judgement calls made on the part of any party within their family relationship need to be dealt with behind closed doors -- within their family. That's all. I'm not saying that those things are right, but give the poor people a chance to be human! They are not any different than any other people on this planet other than the fact that they are living lives that have had some extraordinary circumstances introduced into them-- not the least of which is a TV viewing audience.
Come on people -- show some respect (and if you don't have that -- at least show you have a heart) and let's give them the opportunity to deal with God and each other -- they are not accountable to us, the freaking TV viewing public. They are accountable only to God and the vows they made to each other, in His sight. Give them a break and give us all a break, for goodness' sake. They have 8 children who are going to have to pay the price for our insatiable curiosity about this family's life. Think about that and back off, okay?!
*****And Jon and Kate, if by some freak chance you happen to read this, please know that your whole family is in my prayers and that I have faith in you! You just have to remember that no mistake is bigger than the power of God's healing. Just CLOSE THE DOORS and give yourselves the opportunity to be healed, if that's what it takes. He'll take care of you. Just place your faith in HIM and do what you need to do for the sake of your sweet family. Let the TV viewing public, your contracts, and TLC take care of themselves. Prioritize and make sure that God is first and that your marriage and family is next. You don't have to be OF the world to live IN the world. If you remember those things, everything else will fall into place. I say these things in love and not in judgement, please know that. Be blessed! *****
Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been my favorite show for like a year and a half now. And for someone who pretty much has given up TV watching, that's saying a lot. But in the past day or two, I've become so disheartened. I'm so bummed that something that was such great family fun is being turned into something sordid and nasty. I really enjoyed watching their family negotiate it's way through the challenges of raising two sets of multiples and all the personality clashes that go along with raising a large family -- including the parents' personalities. I was excited for them that their show was opening up great opportunities for them and that their circumstances were allowing them to take their kids on vacations and to enjoy each other's company. I was excited that Jon had the opportunity to work from home so that he could be with the family more often. I was happy for them that they got a new house where they could be more comfortable and allow the kids to have more private space.
But this current publicity is just driving me crazy. And while I realize that Satan is this way, I just feel like it's really sad. In the beginning, I was just like -- "No way, just chalk it up to paparazzi and the media not allowing anything to be righteous and good in this world. Everyone is a little jealous and so wants to detract from a real, but solid marriage/family." But the more time goes by, the more and more news reports and the more and more people jumping in to give their two cents, I just have to wonder if there is something to all the rumors and all the magazine covers, after all. Personally, I am quite like an ostrich -- happy to live with my head in the sand, but come on now...there is a point where even I have to face facts.
I understand, however -- ahem! and so should the rest of TV viewers --that I don't have any facts other than what I hear reported on the internet/news. And understandably, most of those "facts" will be distorted and are not, indeed, truly facts. Everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame. But even the most idealistic optimist has to be somewhat pragmatic at some point and understand that where there is smoke, most likely there is some sort of fire.
I'm just getting really tired of it all and if I am, how must Jon and Kate (let alone their poor family and friends) feel?
So, here's the deal....my bottom line is that I'm going to pray wholeheartedly for them and for the healing of their relationship and for the wounds that this media storm has caused. For what God has put together, let no man put asunder!
I'm also going to pray that the paparazzi and the media start respecting their privacy, for goodness' sakes. I realize that Jon and Kate did create this fishbowl that they live in, but there comes a point where we have to understand that, even though we're the public that made the show what it is, we have no right to pry any further inside than we've been invited. And in no way have any of us been invited into their personal relationship or the mistakes made therein! They opened their door to show us their lives but they did not invite us into their family in anything more than a superficial way. The invitation did not include the right to decimate their family and destroy their bonds of trust -- those things require an invitation of intimacy that was not extended to any of us!
Any poor decisions and poor judgement calls made on the part of any party within their family relationship need to be dealt with behind closed doors -- within their family. That's all. I'm not saying that those things are right, but give the poor people a chance to be human! They are not any different than any other people on this planet other than the fact that they are living lives that have had some extraordinary circumstances introduced into them-- not the least of which is a TV viewing audience.
Come on people -- show some respect (and if you don't have that -- at least show you have a heart) and let's give them the opportunity to deal with God and each other -- they are not accountable to us, the freaking TV viewing public. They are accountable only to God and the vows they made to each other, in His sight. Give them a break and give us all a break, for goodness' sake. They have 8 children who are going to have to pay the price for our insatiable curiosity about this family's life. Think about that and back off, okay?!
*****And Jon and Kate, if by some freak chance you happen to read this, please know that your whole family is in my prayers and that I have faith in you! You just have to remember that no mistake is bigger than the power of God's healing. Just CLOSE THE DOORS and give yourselves the opportunity to be healed, if that's what it takes. He'll take care of you. Just place your faith in HIM and do what you need to do for the sake of your sweet family. Let the TV viewing public, your contracts, and TLC take care of themselves. Prioritize and make sure that God is first and that your marriage and family is next. You don't have to be OF the world to live IN the world. If you remember those things, everything else will fall into place. I say these things in love and not in judgement, please know that. Be blessed! *****
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
"Road Maps? I've got plenty. But who cares? No big deal.....I want more........"
Oh so many months ago, I actually posted a rambling thought or two on here and one of my major concerns in life had to do with direction. Well, turns out that is STILL one of the pressing concerns in my life.
Of course, this is question of direction (or lack thereof) is among the other somewhat more imminent concerns that include the VERY LOOMING one which is a lack of a home of our own, the DEPRESSING fact that my husband is all but absent from our lives because he's living in a semi-truck while trying to support his family (and can I just take this moment to thank you, Jesus, for cell phones), and the ALARMING fact that it seems that almost every member of my husband's family is turning out to be cancer-ridden. No lie.
So, in the midst of all this....yet another -- or the continuing saga -- of my GPS crisis. What to do...where to go? Now, I am still totally of the mindset that I want to be where God wants me to be. I want to hear His amazing voice and know His will. Have I had clear indication lately....um, NO. Have I been told time after time how to seek His direction? Yep. Pray, Read my Bible, Meditate on His word. Got it. Or do I? I do it...I feel revitalized...I have renewed hope, a renewed sense of "Okay -- It's all okay. We are fine and we'll continue to be fine. He's got it all under control." And then Satan's next curveball gets lobbed at me and again, I'm set a-floundering.
The ironic part of this? I have maps -- literally dozens of them. Before we left California to move to Michigan, I went down to my handy dandy AAA office and got maps of all the states we were going to pass through....because you know, crossing the country as a homeschooling family was going to be a huge educational journey. Was it? Oh, yes. Did we even so much as crack open most of those maps? Nope. A few we used, but most of them sat in the nice plastic bag that AAA so kindly provided me with which to carry my 17 pounds of free literature. And not only do I have AAA maps, I have maps from the Welcome Center of every state John has crossed into while driving his truck for the past 6 months and as well as maps from every state that my mother-in-law has been to on her beloved bus trips since we've been here. All brought home in glorious abundance so that we have plenty of geography resources. Woo Hoo! Honestly, I love having the resources to use for the kids' schooling. But like I said...quite ironic given that it's direction and guidance I really want right now. It's almost like rubbing salt into the gaping, open wound that is my heart.
Compound into the problem the fact that my dear husband is prone to depression and since he's alone in said semi-truck 24/7, he's struggling mightily. I hear it in his voice, even when he doesn't admit to having a rough day and it just really creates that much more of a wound in my heart.
But in the midst of all this struggle and questioning and despite my wounded and oft-bandaged heart, there are a few things I know for certain. I truly believe that we are to be here in Michigan...despite the horrifyingly cold weather we suffered through this winter, despite the fact that my mother-in-law has blatantly said she doesn't want us to live with her anymore, despite the fact that we have blatantly said we don't WANT to live with her anymore. We ARE supposed to be here -- at least in Michigan, if not in this particular house. Spencer is thriving at his school and it's one of the best in the country, from what we understand. And not only that, but we had multiple confirmations on moving here prior to even leaving CA. And we had confirmation aplenty on the actual trip. In fact, those confirmations couldn't have been more blatant than if they'd been the actual neon road signs I had prayed about.
One example:
During the actual move, we had just left Albuquerque and we were driving through the barren stretch of land that is part and parcel in that area of New Mexico. Any of you who have ever driven I-40 know what I'm talking about. Anyhoo, there I am just singing and worshipping God, praying a little bit here and there and we hit a little bit of a rain storm. Now, mind you, it was a LITTLE bit of rain. Just enough to sprinkle on the windshield. And soon after, what do we see? Double rainbows. So, beautiful. Now we've all seen rainbows before....but how often do you actually see the END of the rainbow? You know, where the proverbial pot of gold sits? Rarely, if ever, right? Well, low and behold, after a few more miles of driving, there it was. I could see the actual end of one of the rainbows to the right side of the freeway. So close and clear that I could see the plants growing out of the ground right through the colors of the rainbow as it touched the ground. It was AMAZING. I'll probably never see it again in my life, but it's one of those things I'll never forget either. To me, that was just God's way of reminding me that He was with me on the journey and to never give up hope because He has a plan for my life. Again, awesome and so soothing to my soul. We certainly could have used the pot of gold, but friend, I take whatever He offers, and this was a gift, no doubt. It was breathtaking.
Another example:
We were somewhere in Texas and it had been such a LONG day. We were just driving down the freeway and what to my wondering eyes should appear ...nope, not Santa in September... but a HUGE cross. Now when I say HUGE, I mean, H-U-G-E.
I was in awe. John and I were driving separate vehicles with the kids split between us and I managed to snap out of my reverie just in the knick of time to make the freeway exit to get a closer look. Not only was it a huge cross, but a whole area devoted to the three crosses as on Calvary, a depiction of the Last Supper, a cave with an angel statue outside as meant to be where they buried Him and He rose from the grave, and a "garden" such as Gethsemane where He prayed beforehand. It was so moving and so amazing -- this huge monument, literally, in the middle of nowhere. There was actually a gift shop and things there but we stopped after closing hours, so we didn't actually get to talk to anyone. But it was an awesome photo op and just blew us away. Again, we took it as yet another confirmation that we were on the right path. I'll include a couple of pictures of the monument here so you can see. Beautiful.
And still another confirmation:
On the last night we were driving, as we made the turn from Missouri into Illinois for that last jog north before we headed east, I was SO very tired. But because of finances, we didn't want to stop to stay in a hotel for another night, so we planned to drive straight through. I was so tired, but we were both determined to drive as far as we could before stopping to nap. It was about 2 a.m. and the kids were all zonked out. And it was right then, when I didn't know how much more I could take, when I saw it. Another HUGE cross off the freeway. Just seeing it reminded me of the hope I had to keep in my heart and the endless, bottomless source of strength that I could rely on in order to make it a couple more hours. Does that sound hokey? If so, I can't help it. It was a literal, physical reminder and it worked almost like a caffeine-jolt.
At still other times on the journey, we would see billboards of Bible verses and different things reminding us that God was on our side and that we were headed in the right direction.
I know He is right here with us now, just as He was on the journey here. He led us to an awesome church home where we are getting amazing teaching and solid Biblical theology put in front of us weekly. I have an opportunity to go to the ministry school that our church started a few years ago and that will fulfill one of the yearnings in my heart (one that I know is straight from God). I also joined a Bible study group a few weeks ago and finally am having some fellowship with other ladies from the church which also helps to soothe another yearning of my soul.
So why is it that I've been continuing to have to fight feeling helpless and hopeless -- directionless? Why do I feel like Ariel in the Little Mermaid who is so sure she wants something that she doesn't have?
I know that PMS is no joke and that my hormones are probably playing part in this struggle right now. I know that Satan will use every available weapon to fight with us.
I also know that knowing J is having a rough time factors in because I feel wholly helpless to do anything for him since, you know, he's in Tennessee this morning and here I am in Kalamazoo...I might as well be in Timbuktu. We all miss him so very much, but all I can do is pray for him and remind him of our love. And sometimes, I don't know whether those reminders help or increase his yearning to be home.
Yet another contributing factor in my ongoing battle was my seemingly innocent interest in checking out the state of my credit report the other day. Ye Gads....what a disaster. From a lovely, reconstructed and nurtured thing to a disaster in 15 short months. Not that I put such stock in it (no pun intended), but only because we had worked hard to rebuild it and repair it after J's last battles with unemployment several years ago. Given that it's what determines your worth and reliability from the world's standpoint, we had tried to be really diligent about it. But Lord have mercy, the best thing I can say about it now is that all the negatives will drop off by the year 2016. Yet another tool of Satan to undermine my confidence.
But I am determined to remain encouraged....despite all of these things and despite the fact that in my flesh, I STILL want a neon road sign or some sort of spiritual mapquest directions from point A to point wherever.
Because do you know where the hope lies in all of this? Okay, I'll tell you where....cause I'm just nice like that. :O) It lies in the fact that our God has already won the battle! No matter what weapons Satan uses against me, no matter how much money we DON'T make, no matter how hormonal I may become, no matter WHAT....my hope lies in the fact that although I am devastatingly human, I can be that way and He still loves me. I don't deserve it and I don't claim to. I am flawed in such huge and incomprehensible ways, but I am saved by something bigger and even more incomprehensible -- by HIS LOVE and JESUS' SACRIFICE. Made for me. Made for all of us. None of us are beyond hope. And that alone is enough to give me hope for this minute and for the next time I get slammed by yet another of Satan's fast balls. Because there will be that next time. But right now, in this minute, I refuse to live in fear of it.
Twice this morning, I was reminded of the book "Hinds Feet in High Places." I am so like Much Afraid. But today, this Much Afraid is going to look up to the heavens and remember that although I don't know His plan, He does indeed have one for me. I just have to keep seeking His face and wait for His timing to play it out. My bloggy friend Lysa TerKeurst posted this verse on her blog today, encouraging us to let God have His way with us:
Isaiah 30: 21-22,
Oh, Father...I claim this for my life, for our lives, in Jesus' mighty name. Let me be open to your teaching and sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Help me to be a tool in the excavation of your world. Help me to be a tool in the lives of my children. Help me to be WHATEVER, WHOMEVER you want me to be. Amen.
And another blog I love is Beth Moore's -- she is such an amazingly gifted teacher. She also had a verse that just reminded me of what I need to focus on today:
It's Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation:
Again, Lord God, I claim this....it is so true!! Please touch us all today...me, mine (who are gifts, all of them, straight from Your hands!) and everyone who might read this. We all want more, Lord. We all want to know your paths for our lives and to see your promises realized. Bless us, Lord, give us peace that surpasses all understanding and help us remember that your love is greater than anything that is in this world. Help us to put our feet on your solid rock and to know beyond any shadow of any doubt that you are our strength and you are always here. Thank you for these blessings and for all of the other ones that cover us daily. It's in Jesus' name I pray. And all God's people said......Amen!
Get thee behind us, Satan, because "I want to be where the people are....I want to see, want to see 'em dancing!" It might be a Disney song/movie, but friends, can't you just see all the believers dancing in the streets of Heaven when you hear those words?
And with that encouraging, beautiful picture.....I hope you all have a blessed day! Love ya......
Of course, this is question of direction (or lack thereof) is among the other somewhat more imminent concerns that include the VERY LOOMING one which is a lack of a home of our own, the DEPRESSING fact that my husband is all but absent from our lives because he's living in a semi-truck while trying to support his family (and can I just take this moment to thank you, Jesus, for cell phones), and the ALARMING fact that it seems that almost every member of my husband's family is turning out to be cancer-ridden. No lie.
So, in the midst of all this....yet another -- or the continuing saga -- of my GPS crisis. What to do...where to go? Now, I am still totally of the mindset that I want to be where God wants me to be. I want to hear His amazing voice and know His will. Have I had clear indication lately....um, NO. Have I been told time after time how to seek His direction? Yep. Pray, Read my Bible, Meditate on His word. Got it. Or do I? I do it...I feel revitalized...I have renewed hope, a renewed sense of "Okay -- It's all okay. We are fine and we'll continue to be fine. He's got it all under control." And then Satan's next curveball gets lobbed at me and again, I'm set a-floundering.
The ironic part of this? I have maps -- literally dozens of them. Before we left California to move to Michigan, I went down to my handy dandy AAA office and got maps of all the states we were going to pass through....because you know, crossing the country as a homeschooling family was going to be a huge educational journey. Was it? Oh, yes. Did we even so much as crack open most of those maps? Nope. A few we used, but most of them sat in the nice plastic bag that AAA so kindly provided me with which to carry my 17 pounds of free literature. And not only do I have AAA maps, I have maps from the Welcome Center of every state John has crossed into while driving his truck for the past 6 months and as well as maps from every state that my mother-in-law has been to on her beloved bus trips since we've been here. All brought home in glorious abundance so that we have plenty of geography resources. Woo Hoo! Honestly, I love having the resources to use for the kids' schooling. But like I said...quite ironic given that it's direction and guidance I really want right now. It's almost like rubbing salt into the gaping, open wound that is my heart.
Compound into the problem the fact that my dear husband is prone to depression and since he's alone in said semi-truck 24/7, he's struggling mightily. I hear it in his voice, even when he doesn't admit to having a rough day and it just really creates that much more of a wound in my heart.
But in the midst of all this struggle and questioning and despite my wounded and oft-bandaged heart, there are a few things I know for certain. I truly believe that we are to be here in Michigan...despite the horrifyingly cold weather we suffered through this winter, despite the fact that my mother-in-law has blatantly said she doesn't want us to live with her anymore, despite the fact that we have blatantly said we don't WANT to live with her anymore. We ARE supposed to be here -- at least in Michigan, if not in this particular house. Spencer is thriving at his school and it's one of the best in the country, from what we understand. And not only that, but we had multiple confirmations on moving here prior to even leaving CA. And we had confirmation aplenty on the actual trip. In fact, those confirmations couldn't have been more blatant than if they'd been the actual neon road signs I had prayed about.
One example:
During the actual move, we had just left Albuquerque and we were driving through the barren stretch of land that is part and parcel in that area of New Mexico. Any of you who have ever driven I-40 know what I'm talking about. Anyhoo, there I am just singing and worshipping God, praying a little bit here and there and we hit a little bit of a rain storm. Now, mind you, it was a LITTLE bit of rain. Just enough to sprinkle on the windshield. And soon after, what do we see? Double rainbows. So, beautiful. Now we've all seen rainbows before....but how often do you actually see the END of the rainbow? You know, where the proverbial pot of gold sits? Rarely, if ever, right? Well, low and behold, after a few more miles of driving, there it was. I could see the actual end of one of the rainbows to the right side of the freeway. So close and clear that I could see the plants growing out of the ground right through the colors of the rainbow as it touched the ground. It was AMAZING. I'll probably never see it again in my life, but it's one of those things I'll never forget either. To me, that was just God's way of reminding me that He was with me on the journey and to never give up hope because He has a plan for my life. Again, awesome and so soothing to my soul. We certainly could have used the pot of gold, but friend, I take whatever He offers, and this was a gift, no doubt. It was breathtaking.
Another example:
We were somewhere in Texas and it had been such a LONG day. We were just driving down the freeway and what to my wondering eyes should appear ...nope, not Santa in September... but a HUGE cross. Now when I say HUGE, I mean, H-U-G-E.
I was in awe. John and I were driving separate vehicles with the kids split between us and I managed to snap out of my reverie just in the knick of time to make the freeway exit to get a closer look. Not only was it a huge cross, but a whole area devoted to the three crosses as on Calvary, a depiction of the Last Supper, a cave with an angel statue outside as meant to be where they buried Him and He rose from the grave, and a "garden" such as Gethsemane where He prayed beforehand. It was so moving and so amazing -- this huge monument, literally, in the middle of nowhere. There was actually a gift shop and things there but we stopped after closing hours, so we didn't actually get to talk to anyone. But it was an awesome photo op and just blew us away. Again, we took it as yet another confirmation that we were on the right path. I'll include a couple of pictures of the monument here so you can see. Beautiful.
And still another confirmation:
On the last night we were driving, as we made the turn from Missouri into Illinois for that last jog north before we headed east, I was SO very tired. But because of finances, we didn't want to stop to stay in a hotel for another night, so we planned to drive straight through. I was so tired, but we were both determined to drive as far as we could before stopping to nap. It was about 2 a.m. and the kids were all zonked out. And it was right then, when I didn't know how much more I could take, when I saw it. Another HUGE cross off the freeway. Just seeing it reminded me of the hope I had to keep in my heart and the endless, bottomless source of strength that I could rely on in order to make it a couple more hours. Does that sound hokey? If so, I can't help it. It was a literal, physical reminder and it worked almost like a caffeine-jolt.
At still other times on the journey, we would see billboards of Bible verses and different things reminding us that God was on our side and that we were headed in the right direction.
I know He is right here with us now, just as He was on the journey here. He led us to an awesome church home where we are getting amazing teaching and solid Biblical theology put in front of us weekly. I have an opportunity to go to the ministry school that our church started a few years ago and that will fulfill one of the yearnings in my heart (one that I know is straight from God). I also joined a Bible study group a few weeks ago and finally am having some fellowship with other ladies from the church which also helps to soothe another yearning of my soul.
So why is it that I've been continuing to have to fight feeling helpless and hopeless -- directionless? Why do I feel like Ariel in the Little Mermaid who is so sure she wants something that she doesn't have?
I know that PMS is no joke and that my hormones are probably playing part in this struggle right now. I know that Satan will use every available weapon to fight with us.
I also know that knowing J is having a rough time factors in because I feel wholly helpless to do anything for him since, you know, he's in Tennessee this morning and here I am in Kalamazoo...I might as well be in Timbuktu. We all miss him so very much, but all I can do is pray for him and remind him of our love. And sometimes, I don't know whether those reminders help or increase his yearning to be home.
Yet another contributing factor in my ongoing battle was my seemingly innocent interest in checking out the state of my credit report the other day. Ye Gads....what a disaster. From a lovely, reconstructed and nurtured thing to a disaster in 15 short months. Not that I put such stock in it (no pun intended), but only because we had worked hard to rebuild it and repair it after J's last battles with unemployment several years ago. Given that it's what determines your worth and reliability from the world's standpoint, we had tried to be really diligent about it. But Lord have mercy, the best thing I can say about it now is that all the negatives will drop off by the year 2016. Yet another tool of Satan to undermine my confidence.
But I am determined to remain encouraged....despite all of these things and despite the fact that in my flesh, I STILL want a neon road sign or some sort of spiritual mapquest directions from point A to point wherever.
Because do you know where the hope lies in all of this? Okay, I'll tell you where....cause I'm just nice like that. :O) It lies in the fact that our God has already won the battle! No matter what weapons Satan uses against me, no matter how much money we DON'T make, no matter how hormonal I may become, no matter WHAT....my hope lies in the fact that although I am devastatingly human, I can be that way and He still loves me. I don't deserve it and I don't claim to. I am flawed in such huge and incomprehensible ways, but I am saved by something bigger and even more incomprehensible -- by HIS LOVE and JESUS' SACRIFICE. Made for me. Made for all of us. None of us are beyond hope. And that alone is enough to give me hope for this minute and for the next time I get slammed by yet another of Satan's fast balls. Because there will be that next time. But right now, in this minute, I refuse to live in fear of it.
Twice this morning, I was reminded of the book "Hinds Feet in High Places." I am so like Much Afraid. But today, this Much Afraid is going to look up to the heavens and remember that although I don't know His plan, He does indeed have one for me. I just have to keep seeking His face and wait for His timing to play it out. My bloggy friend Lysa TerKeurst posted this verse on her blog today, encouraging us to let God have His way with us:
Isaiah 30: 21-22,
"Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, 'This is the
way you should go,' whether to the right or to the left. Then you will
destroy all your silver idols and your precious gold images. You will throw
them out like filthy rags, saying to them, 'Good riddance!'
Oh, Father...I claim this for my life, for our lives, in Jesus' mighty name. Let me be open to your teaching and sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Help me to be a tool in the excavation of your world. Help me to be a tool in the lives of my children. Help me to be WHATEVER, WHOMEVER you want me to be. Amen.
And another blog I love is Beth Moore's -- she is such an amazingly gifted teacher. She also had a verse that just reminded me of what I need to focus on today:
It's Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation:
If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When
worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY."
Again, Lord God, I claim this....it is so true!! Please touch us all today...me, mine (who are gifts, all of them, straight from Your hands!) and everyone who might read this. We all want more, Lord. We all want to know your paths for our lives and to see your promises realized. Bless us, Lord, give us peace that surpasses all understanding and help us remember that your love is greater than anything that is in this world. Help us to put our feet on your solid rock and to know beyond any shadow of any doubt that you are our strength and you are always here. Thank you for these blessings and for all of the other ones that cover us daily. It's in Jesus' name I pray. And all God's people said......Amen!
Get thee behind us, Satan, because "I want to be where the people are....I want to see, want to see 'em dancing!" It might be a Disney song/movie, but friends, can't you just see all the believers dancing in the streets of Heaven when you hear those words?
And with that encouraging, beautiful picture.....I hope you all have a blessed day! Love ya......
Amy Grant's New Album
Okay, ya'll.....Amy Grant has a new album out!!! Can you just feel the earth tremblin' as I jump up and down about this?? LOL
Check it out at the iTunes store.........just click here!
It's sweet, I tell you....sweet!
:O)
Check it out at the iTunes store.........just click here!
It's sweet, I tell you....sweet!
:O)
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year to all!
(posting of our Holiday letter, 2008)
January 1st, 2009
Happy New Year to you all! We have been here in Kalamazoo for a little over 3 months now. And other than coming to realize that the weather here is for the birds (okay, the penguins!), it’s been a good few months. :O)
It’s been a Long year (yes, that was a Capital L!) and needless to say, we are not sorry to see it behind us. We are so hopeful that 2009 will bring much brighter and happier times for us. But as always, God did not fail us – His faithfulness continues to amaze and humble us. We are so very blessed and we are so very aware of and grateful for each and every one of those blessings.
John is going to be finishing up truck driver’s school next week and will have a job as soon as he’s done. It’s a far cry from the construction and design work that he’s done for the past 10 years, but with the economy being in the state it is, we are hopeful that this will be a much more stable industry for him.
Our school year got a late start due to the move and getting settled in here, but once we got started, they’ve been really enjoying it. We studied and then painted and built a solar system right before Christmas and they just loved that. Even Conner helped. He’s already learning his letters and Braden is reading everything he can get his hands on. Rebecca, also, is just a little bookworm. We have to go to the library at least every 10 days or so to replenish our supply of books.
They’re going to be starting some classes at the YMCA next week. Becca, Braden, and Conner will be taking swimming classes. Conner will be also taking a tumbling class; Braden, a tennis class; and Becca will be continuing on in ballet and tap dancing. She’s very excited about being able to dance again as she’s missed it so much. She started dancing when she was 3, so not being able to dance this past year was really hard on her. Becca and Braden will also be taking an art class.
One of the hardest parts of the last year was discovering that Spencer is autistic. But we are very blessed because he’s responded so very well to the ABA therapy and to a gluten-free/casein-free diet. He started “school” here in November and it’s been wonderful for him. He’s made so much progress that we’re very hopeful that within another year or so, you won’t be able to distinguish him from any other boy his age. He’s very loving and sweet and very, very smart. He’s very excited to go every day and stands at the door, calling “School bus, where are you?!” while we wait. It’s so cute!
We have found a great church here in Kalamazoo. The kids’ ministry there is fabulous also (one of our “absolutes” in finding a new church home). Right after we moved here, they had a lesson that involved them learning three rules: 1) Honor God, 2) Honor others, 3) Have an attitude of gratitude. I truly found that lesson amazing: It’s so very basic, but it’s such an awesome foundation for life.
Of all the things that have come from the trials that we’ve lived through this past year, we are so happy that our lives have been a living example to our children that God does honor His promises and He does provide for all of our needs. We may not understand all of His ways, but they know now that they can depend on Him for everything. It’s not just talk and it’s not just something we’ve read…it’s something we’ve lived.
So, to you, our friends and family, we send holiday greetings (belatedly!) and we also send wishes for a peaceful and blessed New Year.
3 John 2: Beloved, I wish above all things that you prosper and be in
health, even as your soul prospers.
January 1st, 2009
Happy New Year to you all! We have been here in Kalamazoo for a little over 3 months now. And other than coming to realize that the weather here is for the birds (okay, the penguins!), it’s been a good few months. :O)
It’s been a Long year (yes, that was a Capital L!) and needless to say, we are not sorry to see it behind us. We are so hopeful that 2009 will bring much brighter and happier times for us. But as always, God did not fail us – His faithfulness continues to amaze and humble us. We are so very blessed and we are so very aware of and grateful for each and every one of those blessings.
John is going to be finishing up truck driver’s school next week and will have a job as soon as he’s done. It’s a far cry from the construction and design work that he’s done for the past 10 years, but with the economy being in the state it is, we are hopeful that this will be a much more stable industry for him.
Our school year got a late start due to the move and getting settled in here, but once we got started, they’ve been really enjoying it. We studied and then painted and built a solar system right before Christmas and they just loved that. Even Conner helped. He’s already learning his letters and Braden is reading everything he can get his hands on. Rebecca, also, is just a little bookworm. We have to go to the library at least every 10 days or so to replenish our supply of books.
They’re going to be starting some classes at the YMCA next week. Becca, Braden, and Conner will be taking swimming classes. Conner will be also taking a tumbling class; Braden, a tennis class; and Becca will be continuing on in ballet and tap dancing. She’s very excited about being able to dance again as she’s missed it so much. She started dancing when she was 3, so not being able to dance this past year was really hard on her. Becca and Braden will also be taking an art class.
One of the hardest parts of the last year was discovering that Spencer is autistic. But we are very blessed because he’s responded so very well to the ABA therapy and to a gluten-free/casein-free diet. He started “school” here in November and it’s been wonderful for him. He’s made so much progress that we’re very hopeful that within another year or so, you won’t be able to distinguish him from any other boy his age. He’s very loving and sweet and very, very smart. He’s very excited to go every day and stands at the door, calling “School bus, where are you?!” while we wait. It’s so cute!
We have found a great church here in Kalamazoo. The kids’ ministry there is fabulous also (one of our “absolutes” in finding a new church home). Right after we moved here, they had a lesson that involved them learning three rules: 1) Honor God, 2) Honor others, 3) Have an attitude of gratitude. I truly found that lesson amazing: It’s so very basic, but it’s such an awesome foundation for life.
Of all the things that have come from the trials that we’ve lived through this past year, we are so happy that our lives have been a living example to our children that God does honor His promises and He does provide for all of our needs. We may not understand all of His ways, but they know now that they can depend on Him for everything. It’s not just talk and it’s not just something we’ve read…it’s something we’ve lived.
So, to you, our friends and family, we send holiday greetings (belatedly!) and we also send wishes for a peaceful and blessed New Year.
3 John 2: Beloved, I wish above all things that you prosper and be in
health, even as your soul prospers.
The Medendorp Family…John, Staci, Rebecca, Braden, Conner, and Spencer
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
My Lollipop Gang - Becca, Spencer, Braden, and Conner
