"Road Maps? I've got plenty. But who cares? No big deal.....I want more........"

Oh so many months ago, I actually posted a rambling thought or two on here and one of my major concerns in life had to do with direction. Well, turns out that is STILL one of the pressing concerns in my life.

Of course, this is question of direction (or lack thereof) is among the other somewhat more imminent concerns that include the VERY LOOMING one which is a lack of a home of our own, the DEPRESSING fact that my husband is all but absent from our lives because he's living in a semi-truck while trying to support his family (and can I just take this moment to thank you, Jesus, for cell phones), and the ALARMING fact that it seems that almost every member of my husband's family is turning out to be cancer-ridden. No lie.

So, in the midst of all this....yet another -- or the continuing saga -- of my GPS crisis. What to do...where to go? Now, I am still totally of the mindset that I want to be where God wants me to be. I want to hear His amazing voice and know His will. Have I had clear indication lately....um, NO. Have I been told time after time how to seek His direction? Yep. Pray, Read my Bible, Meditate on His word. Got it. Or do I? I do it...I feel revitalized...I have renewed hope, a renewed sense of "Okay -- It's all okay. We are fine and we'll continue to be fine. He's got it all under control." And then Satan's next curveball gets lobbed at me and again, I'm set a-floundering.

The ironic part of this? I have maps -- literally dozens of them. Before we left California to move to Michigan, I went down to my handy dandy AAA office and got maps of all the states we were going to pass through....because you know, crossing the country as a homeschooling family was going to be a huge educational journey. Was it? Oh, yes. Did we even so much as crack open most of those maps? Nope. A few we used, but most of them sat in the nice plastic bag that AAA so kindly provided me with which to carry my 17 pounds of free literature. And not only do I have AAA maps, I have maps from the Welcome Center of every state John has crossed into while driving his truck for the past 6 months and as well as maps from every state that my mother-in-law has been to on her beloved bus trips since we've been here. All brought home in glorious abundance so that we have plenty of geography resources. Woo Hoo! Honestly, I love having the resources to use for the kids' schooling. But like I said...quite ironic given that it's direction and guidance I really want right now. It's almost like rubbing salt into the gaping, open wound that is my heart.

Compound into the problem the fact that my dear husband is prone to depression and since he's alone in said semi-truck 24/7, he's struggling mightily. I hear it in his voice, even when he doesn't admit to having a rough day and it just really creates that much more of a wound in my heart.

But in the midst of all this struggle and questioning and despite my wounded and oft-bandaged heart, there are a few things I know for certain. I truly believe that we are to be here in Michigan...despite the horrifyingly cold weather we suffered through this winter, despite the fact that my mother-in-law has blatantly said she doesn't want us to live with her anymore, despite the fact that we have blatantly said we don't WANT to live with her anymore. We ARE supposed to be here -- at least in Michigan, if not in this particular house. Spencer is thriving at his school and it's one of the best in the country, from what we understand. And not only that, but we had multiple confirmations on moving here prior to even leaving CA. And we had confirmation aplenty on the actual trip. In fact, those confirmations couldn't have been more blatant than if they'd been the actual neon road signs I had prayed about.

One example:
During the actual move, we had just left Albuquerque and we were driving through the barren stretch of land that is part and parcel in that area of New Mexico. Any of you who have ever driven I-40 know what I'm talking about. Anyhoo, there I am just singing and worshipping God, praying a little bit here and there and we hit a little bit of a rain storm. Now, mind you, it was a LITTLE bit of rain. Just enough to sprinkle on the windshield. And soon after, what do we see? Double rainbows. So, beautiful. Now we've all seen rainbows before....but how often do you actually see the END of the rainbow? You know, where the proverbial pot of gold sits? Rarely, if ever, right? Well, low and behold, after a few more miles of driving, there it was. I could see the actual end of one of the rainbows to the right side of the freeway. So close and clear that I could see the plants growing out of the ground right through the colors of the rainbow as it touched the ground. It was AMAZING. I'll probably never see it again in my life, but it's one of those things I'll never forget either. To me, that was just God's way of reminding me that He was with me on the journey and to never give up hope because He has a plan for my life. Again, awesome and so soothing to my soul. We certainly could have used the pot of gold, but friend, I take whatever He offers, and this was a gift, no doubt. It was breathtaking.


Another example:
We were somewhere in Texas and it had been such a LONG day. We were just driving down the freeway and what to my wondering eyes should appear ...nope, not Santa in September... but a HUGE cross. Now when I say HUGE, I mean, H-U-G-E.

I was in awe. John and I were driving separate vehicles with the kids split between us and I managed to snap out of my reverie just in the knick of time to make the freeway exit to get a closer look. Not only was it a huge cross, but a whole area devoted to the three crosses as on Calvary, a depiction of the Last Supper, a cave with an angel statue outside as meant to be where they buried Him and He rose from the grave, and a "garden" such as Gethsemane where He prayed beforehand. It was so moving and so amazing -- this huge monument, literally, in the middle of nowhere. There was actually a gift shop and things there but we stopped after closing hours, so we didn't actually get to talk to anyone. But it was an awesome photo op and just blew us away. Again, we took it as yet another confirmation that we were on the right path. I'll include a couple of pictures of the monument here so you can see. Beautiful.
































And still another confirmation:
On the last night we were driving, as we made the turn from Missouri into Illinois for that last jog north before we headed east, I was SO very tired. But because of finances, we didn't want to stop to stay in a hotel for another night, so we planned to drive straight through. I was so tired, but we were both determined to drive as far as we could before stopping to nap. It was about 2 a.m. and the kids were all zonked out. And it was right then, when I didn't know how much more I could take, when I saw it. Another HUGE cross off the freeway. Just seeing it reminded me of the hope I had to keep in my heart and the endless, bottomless source of strength that I could rely on in order to make it a couple more hours. Does that sound hokey? If so, I can't help it. It was a literal, physical reminder and it worked almost like a caffeine-jolt.

At still other times on the journey, we would see billboards of Bible verses and different things reminding us that God was on our side and that we were headed in the right direction.

I know He is right here with us now, just as He was on the journey here. He led us to an awesome church home where we are getting amazing teaching and solid Biblical theology put in front of us weekly. I have an opportunity to go to the ministry school that our church started a few years ago and that will fulfill one of the yearnings in my heart (one that I know is straight from God). I also joined a Bible study group a few weeks ago and finally am having some fellowship with other ladies from the church which also helps to soothe another yearning of my soul.

So why is it that I've been continuing to have to fight feeling helpless and hopeless -- directionless? Why do I feel like Ariel in the Little Mermaid who is so sure she wants something that she doesn't have?

I know that PMS is no joke and that my hormones are probably playing part in this struggle right now. I know that Satan will use every available weapon to fight with us.

I also know that knowing J is having a rough time factors in because I feel wholly helpless to do anything for him since, you know, he's in Tennessee this morning and here I am in Kalamazoo...I might as well be in Timbuktu. We all miss him so very much, but all I can do is pray for him and remind him of our love. And sometimes, I don't know whether those reminders help or increase his yearning to be home.

Yet another contributing factor in my ongoing battle was my seemingly innocent interest in checking out the state of my credit report the other day. Ye Gads....what a disaster. From a lovely, reconstructed and nurtured thing to a disaster in 15 short months. Not that I put such stock in it (no pun intended), but only because we had worked hard to rebuild it and repair it after J's last battles with unemployment several years ago. Given that it's what determines your worth and reliability from the world's standpoint, we had tried to be really diligent about it. But Lord have mercy, the best thing I can say about it now is that all the negatives will drop off by the year 2016. Yet another tool of Satan to undermine my confidence.

But I am determined to remain encouraged....despite all of these things and despite the fact that in my flesh, I STILL want a neon road sign or some sort of spiritual mapquest directions from point A to point wherever.

Because do you know where the hope lies in all of this? Okay, I'll tell you where....cause I'm just nice like that. :O) It lies in the fact that our God has already won the battle! No matter what weapons Satan uses against me, no matter how much money we DON'T make, no matter how hormonal I may become, no matter WHAT....my hope lies in the fact that although I am devastatingly human, I can be that way and He still loves me. I don't deserve it and I don't claim to. I am flawed in such huge and incomprehensible ways, but I am saved by something bigger and even more incomprehensible -- by HIS LOVE and JESUS' SACRIFICE. Made for me. Made for all of us. None of us are beyond hope. And that alone is enough to give me hope for this minute and for the next time I get slammed by yet another of Satan's fast balls. Because there will be that next time. But right now, in this minute, I refuse to live in fear of it.

Twice this morning, I was reminded of the book "Hinds Feet in High Places." I am so like Much Afraid. But today, this Much Afraid is going to look up to the heavens and remember that although I don't know His plan, He does indeed have one for me. I just have to keep seeking His face and wait for His timing to play it out. My bloggy friend Lysa TerKeurst posted this verse on her blog today, encouraging us to let God have His way with us:

Isaiah 30: 21-22,

"Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, 'This is the
way you should go,' whether to the right or to the left. Then you will
destroy all your silver idols and your precious gold images. You will throw
them out like filthy rags, saying to them, 'Good riddance!'

Oh, Father...I claim this for my life, for our lives, in Jesus' mighty name. Let me be open to your teaching and sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Help me to be a tool in the excavation of your world. Help me to be a tool in the lives of my children. Help me to be WHATEVER, WHOMEVER you want me to be. Amen.

And another blog I love is Beth Moore's -- she is such an amazingly gifted teacher. She also had a verse that just reminded me of what I need to focus on today:

It's Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation:

If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When
worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY."

Again, Lord God, I claim this....it is so true!! Please touch us all today...me, mine (who are gifts, all of them, straight from Your hands!) and everyone who might read this. We all want more, Lord. We all want to know your paths for our lives and to see your promises realized. Bless us, Lord, give us peace that surpasses all understanding and help us remember that your love is greater than anything that is in this world. Help us to put our feet on your solid rock and to know beyond any shadow of any doubt that you are our strength and you are always here. Thank you for these blessings and for all of the other ones that cover us daily. It's in Jesus' name I pray. And all God's people said......Amen!

Get thee behind us, Satan, because "I want to be where the people are....I want to see, want to see 'em dancing!" It might be a Disney song/movie, but friends, can't you just see all the believers dancing in the streets of Heaven when you hear those words?

And with that encouraging, beautiful picture.....I hope you all have a blessed day! Love ya......