So, here's the story, my friends, and it might be a long one, so settle in. Grab a soda and some chips and put your feet up and gird yourself. 'Cause here it comes:
So, for the past few weeks, I've been dealing with some major insecurity issues -- basically, John quitting his job really caused a crisis of mammoth proportion within me. I've had major issues regarding our relationship (I'm going through the Love Dare workbook -- from the movie "Fireproof" currently in an attempt to alleviate some of the emotions I've been struggling with), but I've also been having some major insecurity issues about myself as an individual. I've never been the most secure or the most "comfortable in my own skin" person to start with, but the past two years have really wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life and outlook. That's not necessarily a bad thing, as I've really been seeking God and trying to figure things out on His level and based on His economy. As I posted yesterday, I've spent countless hours contemplating where we are supposed to be and go and do. Yada, yada, yada.....
So, yesterday, in that same above-mentioned post, I posted a link to Pastor Beth's e-devo and also named and claimed the victory and the victorious life, in Jesus' mighty name. I still do. (Amen. Again.) Don't forget this because this will turn out to be a major plot element in what transpired today.
So, anyway, again....plagued by insecurities. The negative tapes have been running in my head almost constantly, telling me that we're never going to be successful, that we're going to always be living in these kind of conditions, that we'll never be able to provide for our kids, that really God doesn't want to use me in His church and that I have no talents to share anyway. I've been trying to self-talk my way around this stuff, somehow on a day-to-day basis without dwelling too much on any of it...because in my heart of hearts, I know that these things aren't true, but I really didn't see it for what it was until tonight.
When I got up today, I just felt absolutely slimed....like I was moving through sludge, all morning long. I even posted on facebook today that it felt like I was in slow motion. Again, didn't really connect that to anything except perhaps that I didn't get enough sleep.
So, we're on the way to Conner's gymnastics class today and I was listening to Charles Swindoll's "Insight for Living" broadcast. Becca tried to interrupt the program to tell me something and I asked her to wait until I was done listening to the program to talk to me. Well, when he was done making his point a few minutes later, Rebecca couldn't remember what she wanted to tell me. So, then I felt bad for prioritizing a radio program over my child. So, I thought about it for a few minutes and I said to the kids that we needed a keyword....something that we could say at anytime to get the other's attention immediately....so that we would know, in our family, when one of us says that word....we need to stop what we're doing and listen. The word "sparkle" popped into my head. The kids thought that was a great word...not something we use in conversation very much and that would be something we could always recognize. So, of course, they "sparkled" up the conversation several times today, just for practice. :P Nothing really important, mind you....just wanted to see if it would work. It did. Hopefully, it will not be a "boy who cried wolf" scenario or we might have to scrap the idea, but we'll see. As you'll see later as I go on with the story, it did serve a purpose today, however. A HUGE one.
So, if you've known me for a lot of years, you probably remember the complexion problems I had in my late teens and early 20's. It was bad -- alot of little cystic acne and just overall ugly stuff. Needless to say, it caused a lot of insecurity on my part about my appearance, etc. My dad calling me "pizza face" and teasing me about it probably didn't help either, but difficult parents will have to be for another post on another day. Lately, though, like for the past 10 or 12 years -- my skin has not been so bad and it's been such a relief. Anyone who has ever suffered with acne can relate, I'm sure. I have to say I am a huge fan of Proactiv. Not that I've been able to afford it for the last year or so, but still....huge fan.
Well, this afternoon, one of the kids said I had a blackhead on my nose. Well, couldn't be having that. So, I went to take care of said blemish. *sigh* The next thing I know, I have a needle in my hand, blood running down my face, and I look like I'd been on the rack and tortured or something. The blackheads were gone, the little cysts were gone, but my face was rather mutilated and quite swollen and I looked pretty atrocious....like some freak of nature or that "pizza face" kid all over again. I really don't remember much about all of it except that I remember thinking that I HAD to get those cysts out of my face and that maybe if I just scraped all my skin off, it would come back better. It was like I was in a trance or something.
So, a couple of hours went by and I was REALLY freaked out. And every time I went by a mirror, I got more and more freaked out. I had things to do...I had my class at church tonight and I have business appointments tomorrow night -- what on earth had I done to myself and WHY?
It suddenly dawned on me that it was definitely some sort of spiritual warfare and an absolute attack from the enemy. I felt a really strong need to reach out to someone, but I really didn't want my kids to hear me talk about this and so I just sent out a prayer request via e-mail to a few of the ladies that I'm in contact with regularly. But still, I was really freaked out. And I knew the first thing John would ask me when I picked him up from work was "What on earth happened to you?!" And of course, that's the first thing he said. And after that, I was just worried about having to face the people at church with my mutilated face. That, too, I'm sure was just part of the attack....trying to keep me away from anything to do with fulfilling God's purpose for my life. (The class is all about figuring out where you would best be suited to serve God and His kingdom. *cough* cough* See where we're going here??)
So, anyway, we head back home and it takes about all of my willpower to pull myself together to get out the door to go to class. Then on the way there, a box truck almost hits the van and almost runs me off the freeway...yet another attack, trying to keep me from making it to church at all.
I finally get there...right on time, I might add....after telling John specifically that I wanted to get there a bit early so I could make sure to get a seat at a table since taking notes is rather difficult on my lap. But of course, where did I end up again? In the chairs to the side -- NOT at a table again. But then again, it's all good and I'm just relieved to be there in one piece. However, I would not have been opposed to being able to hide behind a pillar or some other obstacle for the whole class. Alas, that was not an option and the poor 75 other people in the room were exposed to the horror that was my face. *sigh*
Then, as I struggled to focus on the lesson at hand and keep my mind off the attack that took place in my house that day, a few things start shaping up in my mind. Although I knew it was an attack, I really hadn't connected it to anything "big picture" wise. However, while I was sitting there in the house of the Lord, the puzzle pieces all started to come together regarding the 1) my mounting insecurities, 2) Pastor Beth's e-devo from yesterday, and 3) my blog post regarding it. Not to mention the fact that I'm in the middle of a 5-week class about serving God and we're attempting to start a new business at the same time. Oh, and the small fact that I am expecting to start ministry school through the church in September. So, basically I realized that I've got this huge bullseye on my head and the enemy was using me for target practice today -- LITERALLY.
So, as I sit there with mounting excitement, just over the fact that all of it is starting to make sense, I tune back into the lesson and Pastor Jen is talking about how to figure out what our gifts are and some ways to pinpoint God's call on your life. So, she says, "What is it that you do that makes you
sparkle? What is it that you do that makes you leave the room feeling like you're just
sparkling?"What??!! Hello?! You've got to be kidding me?! How many times do you hear the word
sparkle in conversation? And, come on, on the same day that you and your kids decide that this is going to be your keyword for "Sit up and pay attention!?" Talk about sneaky God stuff......
Needless to say, I did sit up and pay attention. Literally and in my spirit. So, then I continued connecting all the dots of the events of this day in particular....together with all the stuff about how for the past year and a half (at least), I've been on this quest to find out what God's call is for my/our life. Let's just say that I was getting more than a little bit excited.
So, I sit there continuing to ponder the wonder of it all (If that sounds like a song, it is....by Point of Grace. You're welcome. It's awesome...you'll love it if you don't already know it.) A half hour or 45 minutes passes and now we're in the chapter about specific giftings of the spirit -- specifically, distinguishing between spirits (1 Cor. 12:1-11).
Pastor Jen starts telling us about a "vision" (I don't think she used that term, but basically that's what it was) that she had before she and her famly started coming to VFC. Since she shared it with our whole class, I'm hoping it's okay that I share it here....as it's kind of vital to my ultimate revelation. Anyhoo, she said she was sitting in the sanctuary of her previous church one day and she had this moment where all of sudden she could "see" this hazy curtain or film between herself and the rest of the congregation. On the other side of this curtain, the people were all kind of in
slow motion and moving slow and very sluggish. On her side, everything was crystal clear and crisp. She said this only lasted for a few seconds, but it was long enough for the Holy Spirit to speak to her regarding the decision they'd been struggling with about leaving that church. They needed to not be "
slow motion" Christians and they needed to move forward in clarity. Again, my words, not necessarily hers...but the general gist is the same. My first thought was..."Did she really just say "
slow motion?" Because that's exactly what I posted on FB earlier today!?"
In that moment, again....kind of an extension of the "sparkle" moment...the Holy Spirit brought me to an amazing realization: Not only was I supposed to sit up and take notice of this whole "process" that I'm going through, He used this imagery specifically to tell me and to show me that the veil in our lives is being rent -- it's being torn in two. Just as the veil that protected the Holy of Holies was rent in the tabernacle in that moment when Jesus died....the veil is being rent in our lives right now. We ARE victorious and we HAVE won the war. I may have to bear the signs of the battle on my face for a few more days, but the enemy will NOT win this fight. I do not have to lay down and die because he decides to attack me. He who is in me is greater than he who is in this world. And God has a plan for us and for me...and His plan will overcome the plans of His enemy. I do not have to walk through my life slimed and in slow motion any longer. I do not belong to him and neither do my husband or my kids. I will speak not only excellence over every area of our lives, I will speak prosperity and being blessed to be a blessing over our lives!! I will realize God's calling on my life and I will live to realize His plans accomplished!!!
I'm so happy and so excited that I wish I could hug ya'll!! But since I can't I'll just hush for now and say thank you for your prayers and thank you for sticking with me through this perilously long post. But wasn't it just worth it?! Can I hear an "AMEN?"
*****Hallelujah...Praise you, Lord! And thank you, for being so faithful and sharing some of your vision with me. Thank you for that encouragement. I ask, Father, that you would grace my friends and family with some of that same encouraging revelation, tailored specifically for their situations. I thank you for the insight for living that you gave me today...and I thank you for sparkling your way into my consciousness. You are an awesome and amazing God and I thank you for sending your only begotten son to die on the cross for a sinner like me. I love you and again, I thank you. In Jesus' mighty name. Amen.****
