Free pass??

I was just writing an e-mail to a friend of mine and in relating to her a snippet of what's going on in our lives, I made the comment that I really wish we could get a "Free Pass" every once in a while on dealing with all the *stuff* in our lives....you all know the stuff I'm talking about....the emotional upheavals and physical blows of PMS, the beating we get from dealing with less-than-cooperative relatives, the bloody remains of our foreheads after we repeatedly beat our heads against all of those proverbial brick walls, I could go on and on here....but, for today, could I just get a pass on all the crap, please? Pretty please? I'm just not feeling very strong today and would really just like a day to curl up in my bed with my warm, cozy comforter and a nice, juicy novel....maybe a yummy latte and a bowl of Cashew Poppycock by my side. Or just to sleep...yes, sleep sounds especially tempting right about now. Children, what children? Diapers, forget about 'em. Dinner, schminner.

Then I sat here a moment longer and contemplated my own...human-ness, I guess. I really - NO, I mean REALLY - suck as a human being sometimes. I rant and rail at my husband for things that are at times beyond his control. I sometimes expect my children to just somehow understand what I want from them without explaining myself. And I expect the world to just cooperate when I want a break. Why should I get a break? I mean, I have it pretty easy, right? That isn't to say that my life is perfect -- whose is, really? -- and my husband and kids do take me for granted quite a lot, but overall....my life is pretty great. Why should I get a break today?

You probably know where I'm going with this.....If I, when the going gets "rough", think..."Hey, time out....I need to rest....to re-think....to rejuvenate." If I think this way, in the midst of my admittedly cozy, comfortable existance, what exactly must Jesus have been going through when he was hanging on the cross, experiencing possibly the most excrutiating pain known to man? He even knew His fate beforehand and yet, didn't run from it....He faced it and He endured it....for me. Color me humbled. I worry about time, finances...I think "Oooooh, I'm bloated today. Ugh." In the grand scheme of the universe, of us as a creation of God, what is my deal?! Bad, Staci! Since when is it okay for me to worry, to fret, to overanalyze? I realize, mind you, that I am only human. But like I said, I REALLY suck even in that capacity sometimes. My job is to trust, to strive to be like Jesus. Why am I not trusting right now? I am allowing Satan to wiggle his little way into my consciousness (unconsciously, of course) and I am complaining. Okay, let's be honest....I've got a whine going on that just won't quit.

I work on one area of my life that needs help and it seems the scale becomes unbalanced in another area. Is it this way for everyone? I am I really so different than all my counterparts out there? Does anyone else struggle with these issues or am I just obsessing because my life is empty and unfulfilling and so I think WAY too much?! No, I really am not as depressed a being as this post may suggest. It is just this moment, I'm sure. And maybe this is the path to enlightenment. Some days, I think I would feel better about me...about my human-ness, if it was just a little less bright around here! I don't fall into the trap of believing that ignorance equates to bliss, but sometimes sunglasses go along way to bolstering my self-esteem.

But this I know for sure today....I am SO humbled and eternally grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for me....He gave me the freedom to PMS very boldly and then the ability to beg forgiveness from my husband and children for the sometimes confusing, for the sometimes loud, for the "don't-you-ignore-me!" opinions that I spout from time to time. There are occasions where said opinions are quite justified, but there are, unfortunately, occasions when I should just take a deep breath, count to about 554, and take my Poppycock into a closet for a few minutes of peace and quiet (although in my house, muffled may be as close to quiet as it comes). And so, for today, I will be honored to take my "Do not pass go, Do not collect $200" card and retreat quietly to my nice, cozy, comfortable, slightly dusty, shabby-chic jail and contemplate what my life would be like if God had decided we didn't deserve His "free pass." Because here I sat blathering on about how I need one and duh....I've had one all along. Crunch-n-munch, anyone? *sigh*