Okay, ya'll here's my rant of the day: I hate scams. UGH! For the girl who would've been voted "Most Gullible" in high school or maybe I was....it's late, I can't quite remember.....I just really hate the fact that there are so many internet scams out there. And yes, I have fallen hook, line and dollar (many -- way TOO many dollars!) for several different ones. Guilty. However, having gotten scammed made me a little bit more cautious and a lot more suspicious. So I check things out THOROUGHLY before I even consider buying/subscribing/falling for whatever is being advertised.
Case in point: Today, Yahoo! had a headline in their "Marketplace" box that read: "Heart Attack Survival: Hugh Downs on little known symptom sadly ignore in Bottom Line book." I clicked on the headline to go to the ad, because I was understandably curious. Especially after my little scare in February. But, the ad looked suspicious to that Sherlock Holmes wannabe inside of me....like I said, I've fallen victim one too many times to just believe everything I read anymore. But I clicked on the "continue" button at the bottom of the page anyway. The next page wanted more information about me -- contact information, etc. But it also gave the company's name and address. So, given my naturally suspicious and cautious nature (cough, cough), I went to the Better Business Bureau website and looked said company up. Low and behold, they have an F rating with the BBB.
Can we talk? I mean, come on! This was the front page -- the home page -- of the Yahoo! website. Seriously. How important are advertising dollars - even in this economy - that such a huge internet force would allow advertisements from a company that has an F rating? Does integrity not matter anymore? Does trust and reliability mean nothing? I am so very disappointed. I did sent Yahoo! an e-mail with the pertinent information. I really hope that I'm wrong, but truly I am not so naive as to think that they'll actually do something about it or care. And I hate that. I hate that I automatically think the worst instead of hoping for the best. However, considering the hoops that I had to jump through to actually get to a place and a form where I could e-mail them, I really hope they respond. They don't make it easy for people to get in touch with them -- which in and of itself just affirms my theory that they DON'T/WON'T CARE. *sigh* Politics really just wear a girl out.
But now that we've got the bad news out of the way....let's end on a happy note! I heart Facebook! :O) I just signed up today and it's officially official, I'm in love -- or okay, infatuation. Because it'll probably cool off in a few days, but at this point, I find it totally cool to chat with people that I've been missing for half my life and didn't even know that I missed until I saw their name again. Some people I acknowledge that I knew I missed (I'm not clueless about EVERYTHING, friends) but some people, I just saw their name and I was taken back in time. It may sound really new age-y and ya'll who know me know that I am so NOT, but I am totally of the belief that if you truly connect with someone, you're never the same after that connection. They're a part of your history and your life. So to re-connect with people who had an impact on you...even 20 or 25 years ago, is so WOW in my book! Or my Facebook, as the case may be.
And what's really sad is the fact that I've probably said/typed/thought "Like" and "You know" and "Totally" more today than I have in about 20 years and I have to attribute that to the bad influence of the people's names that I saw in the Facebook pages today....because you know, it's like totally got to be their fault because I like totally don't talk that way normally. You know?
Just chalk it up to me needing rest, folks. Rest and a vacation. And perhaps some medication (or a margarita?) to help me relax. A restful medicated vacation. Calgon......totally take me away.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
My Soapbox Moment of the Day: Why I think we should step off and leave the Gosselin's in peace
Okay, can I just say that I feel for these people?
Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been my favorite show for like a year and a half now. And for someone who pretty much has given up TV watching, that's saying a lot. But in the past day or two, I've become so disheartened. I'm so bummed that something that was such great family fun is being turned into something sordid and nasty. I really enjoyed watching their family negotiate it's way through the challenges of raising two sets of multiples and all the personality clashes that go along with raising a large family -- including the parents' personalities. I was excited for them that their show was opening up great opportunities for them and that their circumstances were allowing them to take their kids on vacations and to enjoy each other's company. I was excited that Jon had the opportunity to work from home so that he could be with the family more often. I was happy for them that they got a new house where they could be more comfortable and allow the kids to have more private space.
But this current publicity is just driving me crazy. And while I realize that Satan is this way, I just feel like it's really sad. In the beginning, I was just like -- "No way, just chalk it up to paparazzi and the media not allowing anything to be righteous and good in this world. Everyone is a little jealous and so wants to detract from a real, but solid marriage/family." But the more time goes by, the more and more news reports and the more and more people jumping in to give their two cents, I just have to wonder if there is something to all the rumors and all the magazine covers, after all. Personally, I am quite like an ostrich -- happy to live with my head in the sand, but come on now...there is a point where even I have to face facts.
I understand, however -- ahem! and so should the rest of TV viewers --that I don't have any facts other than what I hear reported on the internet/news. And understandably, most of those "facts" will be distorted and are not, indeed, truly facts. Everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame. But even the most idealistic optimist has to be somewhat pragmatic at some point and understand that where there is smoke, most likely there is some sort of fire.
I'm just getting really tired of it all and if I am, how must Jon and Kate (let alone their poor family and friends) feel?
So, here's the deal....my bottom line is that I'm going to pray wholeheartedly for them and for the healing of their relationship and for the wounds that this media storm has caused. For what God has put together, let no man put asunder!
I'm also going to pray that the paparazzi and the media start respecting their privacy, for goodness' sakes. I realize that Jon and Kate did create this fishbowl that they live in, but there comes a point where we have to understand that, even though we're the public that made the show what it is, we have no right to pry any further inside than we've been invited. And in no way have any of us been invited into their personal relationship or the mistakes made therein! They opened their door to show us their lives but they did not invite us into their family in anything more than a superficial way. The invitation did not include the right to decimate their family and destroy their bonds of trust -- those things require an invitation of intimacy that was not extended to any of us!
Any poor decisions and poor judgement calls made on the part of any party within their family relationship need to be dealt with behind closed doors -- within their family. That's all. I'm not saying that those things are right, but give the poor people a chance to be human! They are not any different than any other people on this planet other than the fact that they are living lives that have had some extraordinary circumstances introduced into them-- not the least of which is a TV viewing audience.
Come on people -- show some respect (and if you don't have that -- at least show you have a heart) and let's give them the opportunity to deal with God and each other -- they are not accountable to us, the freaking TV viewing public. They are accountable only to God and the vows they made to each other, in His sight. Give them a break and give us all a break, for goodness' sake. They have 8 children who are going to have to pay the price for our insatiable curiosity about this family's life. Think about that and back off, okay?!
*****And Jon and Kate, if by some freak chance you happen to read this, please know that your whole family is in my prayers and that I have faith in you! You just have to remember that no mistake is bigger than the power of God's healing. Just CLOSE THE DOORS and give yourselves the opportunity to be healed, if that's what it takes. He'll take care of you. Just place your faith in HIM and do what you need to do for the sake of your sweet family. Let the TV viewing public, your contracts, and TLC take care of themselves. Prioritize and make sure that God is first and that your marriage and family is next. You don't have to be OF the world to live IN the world. If you remember those things, everything else will fall into place. I say these things in love and not in judgement, please know that. Be blessed! *****
Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been my favorite show for like a year and a half now. And for someone who pretty much has given up TV watching, that's saying a lot. But in the past day or two, I've become so disheartened. I'm so bummed that something that was such great family fun is being turned into something sordid and nasty. I really enjoyed watching their family negotiate it's way through the challenges of raising two sets of multiples and all the personality clashes that go along with raising a large family -- including the parents' personalities. I was excited for them that their show was opening up great opportunities for them and that their circumstances were allowing them to take their kids on vacations and to enjoy each other's company. I was excited that Jon had the opportunity to work from home so that he could be with the family more often. I was happy for them that they got a new house where they could be more comfortable and allow the kids to have more private space.
But this current publicity is just driving me crazy. And while I realize that Satan is this way, I just feel like it's really sad. In the beginning, I was just like -- "No way, just chalk it up to paparazzi and the media not allowing anything to be righteous and good in this world. Everyone is a little jealous and so wants to detract from a real, but solid marriage/family." But the more time goes by, the more and more news reports and the more and more people jumping in to give their two cents, I just have to wonder if there is something to all the rumors and all the magazine covers, after all. Personally, I am quite like an ostrich -- happy to live with my head in the sand, but come on now...there is a point where even I have to face facts.
I understand, however -- ahem! and so should the rest of TV viewers --that I don't have any facts other than what I hear reported on the internet/news. And understandably, most of those "facts" will be distorted and are not, indeed, truly facts. Everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame. But even the most idealistic optimist has to be somewhat pragmatic at some point and understand that where there is smoke, most likely there is some sort of fire.
I'm just getting really tired of it all and if I am, how must Jon and Kate (let alone their poor family and friends) feel?
So, here's the deal....my bottom line is that I'm going to pray wholeheartedly for them and for the healing of their relationship and for the wounds that this media storm has caused. For what God has put together, let no man put asunder!
I'm also going to pray that the paparazzi and the media start respecting their privacy, for goodness' sakes. I realize that Jon and Kate did create this fishbowl that they live in, but there comes a point where we have to understand that, even though we're the public that made the show what it is, we have no right to pry any further inside than we've been invited. And in no way have any of us been invited into their personal relationship or the mistakes made therein! They opened their door to show us their lives but they did not invite us into their family in anything more than a superficial way. The invitation did not include the right to decimate their family and destroy their bonds of trust -- those things require an invitation of intimacy that was not extended to any of us!
Any poor decisions and poor judgement calls made on the part of any party within their family relationship need to be dealt with behind closed doors -- within their family. That's all. I'm not saying that those things are right, but give the poor people a chance to be human! They are not any different than any other people on this planet other than the fact that they are living lives that have had some extraordinary circumstances introduced into them-- not the least of which is a TV viewing audience.
Come on people -- show some respect (and if you don't have that -- at least show you have a heart) and let's give them the opportunity to deal with God and each other -- they are not accountable to us, the freaking TV viewing public. They are accountable only to God and the vows they made to each other, in His sight. Give them a break and give us all a break, for goodness' sake. They have 8 children who are going to have to pay the price for our insatiable curiosity about this family's life. Think about that and back off, okay?!
*****And Jon and Kate, if by some freak chance you happen to read this, please know that your whole family is in my prayers and that I have faith in you! You just have to remember that no mistake is bigger than the power of God's healing. Just CLOSE THE DOORS and give yourselves the opportunity to be healed, if that's what it takes. He'll take care of you. Just place your faith in HIM and do what you need to do for the sake of your sweet family. Let the TV viewing public, your contracts, and TLC take care of themselves. Prioritize and make sure that God is first and that your marriage and family is next. You don't have to be OF the world to live IN the world. If you remember those things, everything else will fall into place. I say these things in love and not in judgement, please know that. Be blessed! *****
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
"Road Maps? I've got plenty. But who cares? No big deal.....I want more........"
Oh so many months ago, I actually posted a rambling thought or two on here and one of my major concerns in life had to do with direction. Well, turns out that is STILL one of the pressing concerns in my life.
Of course, this is question of direction (or lack thereof) is among the other somewhat more imminent concerns that include the VERY LOOMING one which is a lack of a home of our own, the DEPRESSING fact that my husband is all but absent from our lives because he's living in a semi-truck while trying to support his family (and can I just take this moment to thank you, Jesus, for cell phones), and the ALARMING fact that it seems that almost every member of my husband's family is turning out to be cancer-ridden. No lie.
So, in the midst of all this....yet another -- or the continuing saga -- of my GPS crisis. What to do...where to go? Now, I am still totally of the mindset that I want to be where God wants me to be. I want to hear His amazing voice and know His will. Have I had clear indication lately....um, NO. Have I been told time after time how to seek His direction? Yep. Pray, Read my Bible, Meditate on His word. Got it. Or do I? I do it...I feel revitalized...I have renewed hope, a renewed sense of "Okay -- It's all okay. We are fine and we'll continue to be fine. He's got it all under control." And then Satan's next curveball gets lobbed at me and again, I'm set a-floundering.
The ironic part of this? I have maps -- literally dozens of them. Before we left California to move to Michigan, I went down to my handy dandy AAA office and got maps of all the states we were going to pass through....because you know, crossing the country as a homeschooling family was going to be a huge educational journey. Was it? Oh, yes. Did we even so much as crack open most of those maps? Nope. A few we used, but most of them sat in the nice plastic bag that AAA so kindly provided me with which to carry my 17 pounds of free literature. And not only do I have AAA maps, I have maps from the Welcome Center of every state John has crossed into while driving his truck for the past 6 months and as well as maps from every state that my mother-in-law has been to on her beloved bus trips since we've been here. All brought home in glorious abundance so that we have plenty of geography resources. Woo Hoo! Honestly, I love having the resources to use for the kids' schooling. But like I said...quite ironic given that it's direction and guidance I really want right now. It's almost like rubbing salt into the gaping, open wound that is my heart.
Compound into the problem the fact that my dear husband is prone to depression and since he's alone in said semi-truck 24/7, he's struggling mightily. I hear it in his voice, even when he doesn't admit to having a rough day and it just really creates that much more of a wound in my heart.
But in the midst of all this struggle and questioning and despite my wounded and oft-bandaged heart, there are a few things I know for certain. I truly believe that we are to be here in Michigan...despite the horrifyingly cold weather we suffered through this winter, despite the fact that my mother-in-law has blatantly said she doesn't want us to live with her anymore, despite the fact that we have blatantly said we don't WANT to live with her anymore. We ARE supposed to be here -- at least in Michigan, if not in this particular house. Spencer is thriving at his school and it's one of the best in the country, from what we understand. And not only that, but we had multiple confirmations on moving here prior to even leaving CA. And we had confirmation aplenty on the actual trip. In fact, those confirmations couldn't have been more blatant than if they'd been the actual neon road signs I had prayed about.
One example:
During the actual move, we had just left Albuquerque and we were driving through the barren stretch of land that is part and parcel in that area of New Mexico. Any of you who have ever driven I-40 know what I'm talking about. Anyhoo, there I am just singing and worshipping God, praying a little bit here and there and we hit a little bit of a rain storm. Now, mind you, it was a LITTLE bit of rain. Just enough to sprinkle on the windshield. And soon after, what do we see? Double rainbows. So, beautiful. Now we've all seen rainbows before....but how often do you actually see the END of the rainbow? You know, where the proverbial pot of gold sits? Rarely, if ever, right? Well, low and behold, after a few more miles of driving, there it was. I could see the actual end of one of the rainbows to the right side of the freeway. So close and clear that I could see the plants growing out of the ground right through the colors of the rainbow as it touched the ground. It was AMAZING. I'll probably never see it again in my life, but it's one of those things I'll never forget either. To me, that was just God's way of reminding me that He was with me on the journey and to never give up hope because He has a plan for my life. Again, awesome and so soothing to my soul. We certainly could have used the pot of gold, but friend, I take whatever He offers, and this was a gift, no doubt. It was breathtaking.
Another example:
We were somewhere in Texas and it had been such a LONG day. We were just driving down the freeway and what to my wondering eyes should appear ...nope, not Santa in September... but a HUGE cross. Now when I say HUGE, I mean, H-U-G-E.
I was in awe. John and I were driving separate vehicles with the kids split between us and I managed to snap out of my reverie just in the knick of time to make the freeway exit to get a closer look. Not only was it a huge cross, but a whole area devoted to the three crosses as on Calvary, a depiction of the Last Supper, a cave with an angel statue outside as meant to be where they buried Him and He rose from the grave, and a "garden" such as Gethsemane where He prayed beforehand. It was so moving and so amazing -- this huge monument, literally, in the middle of nowhere. There was actually a gift shop and things there but we stopped after closing hours, so we didn't actually get to talk to anyone. But it was an awesome photo op and just blew us away. Again, we took it as yet another confirmation that we were on the right path. I'll include a couple of pictures of the monument here so you can see. Beautiful.
And still another confirmation:
On the last night we were driving, as we made the turn from Missouri into Illinois for that last jog north before we headed east, I was SO very tired. But because of finances, we didn't want to stop to stay in a hotel for another night, so we planned to drive straight through. I was so tired, but we were both determined to drive as far as we could before stopping to nap. It was about 2 a.m. and the kids were all zonked out. And it was right then, when I didn't know how much more I could take, when I saw it. Another HUGE cross off the freeway. Just seeing it reminded me of the hope I had to keep in my heart and the endless, bottomless source of strength that I could rely on in order to make it a couple more hours. Does that sound hokey? If so, I can't help it. It was a literal, physical reminder and it worked almost like a caffeine-jolt.
At still other times on the journey, we would see billboards of Bible verses and different things reminding us that God was on our side and that we were headed in the right direction.
I know He is right here with us now, just as He was on the journey here. He led us to an awesome church home where we are getting amazing teaching and solid Biblical theology put in front of us weekly. I have an opportunity to go to the ministry school that our church started a few years ago and that will fulfill one of the yearnings in my heart (one that I know is straight from God). I also joined a Bible study group a few weeks ago and finally am having some fellowship with other ladies from the church which also helps to soothe another yearning of my soul.
So why is it that I've been continuing to have to fight feeling helpless and hopeless -- directionless? Why do I feel like Ariel in the Little Mermaid who is so sure she wants something that she doesn't have?
I know that PMS is no joke and that my hormones are probably playing part in this struggle right now. I know that Satan will use every available weapon to fight with us.
I also know that knowing J is having a rough time factors in because I feel wholly helpless to do anything for him since, you know, he's in Tennessee this morning and here I am in Kalamazoo...I might as well be in Timbuktu. We all miss him so very much, but all I can do is pray for him and remind him of our love. And sometimes, I don't know whether those reminders help or increase his yearning to be home.
Yet another contributing factor in my ongoing battle was my seemingly innocent interest in checking out the state of my credit report the other day. Ye Gads....what a disaster. From a lovely, reconstructed and nurtured thing to a disaster in 15 short months. Not that I put such stock in it (no pun intended), but only because we had worked hard to rebuild it and repair it after J's last battles with unemployment several years ago. Given that it's what determines your worth and reliability from the world's standpoint, we had tried to be really diligent about it. But Lord have mercy, the best thing I can say about it now is that all the negatives will drop off by the year 2016. Yet another tool of Satan to undermine my confidence.
But I am determined to remain encouraged....despite all of these things and despite the fact that in my flesh, I STILL want a neon road sign or some sort of spiritual mapquest directions from point A to point wherever.
Because do you know where the hope lies in all of this? Okay, I'll tell you where....cause I'm just nice like that. :O) It lies in the fact that our God has already won the battle! No matter what weapons Satan uses against me, no matter how much money we DON'T make, no matter how hormonal I may become, no matter WHAT....my hope lies in the fact that although I am devastatingly human, I can be that way and He still loves me. I don't deserve it and I don't claim to. I am flawed in such huge and incomprehensible ways, but I am saved by something bigger and even more incomprehensible -- by HIS LOVE and JESUS' SACRIFICE. Made for me. Made for all of us. None of us are beyond hope. And that alone is enough to give me hope for this minute and for the next time I get slammed by yet another of Satan's fast balls. Because there will be that next time. But right now, in this minute, I refuse to live in fear of it.
Twice this morning, I was reminded of the book "Hinds Feet in High Places." I am so like Much Afraid. But today, this Much Afraid is going to look up to the heavens and remember that although I don't know His plan, He does indeed have one for me. I just have to keep seeking His face and wait for His timing to play it out. My bloggy friend Lysa TerKeurst posted this verse on her blog today, encouraging us to let God have His way with us:
Isaiah 30: 21-22,
Oh, Father...I claim this for my life, for our lives, in Jesus' mighty name. Let me be open to your teaching and sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Help me to be a tool in the excavation of your world. Help me to be a tool in the lives of my children. Help me to be WHATEVER, WHOMEVER you want me to be. Amen.
And another blog I love is Beth Moore's -- she is such an amazingly gifted teacher. She also had a verse that just reminded me of what I need to focus on today:
It's Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation:
Again, Lord God, I claim this....it is so true!! Please touch us all today...me, mine (who are gifts, all of them, straight from Your hands!) and everyone who might read this. We all want more, Lord. We all want to know your paths for our lives and to see your promises realized. Bless us, Lord, give us peace that surpasses all understanding and help us remember that your love is greater than anything that is in this world. Help us to put our feet on your solid rock and to know beyond any shadow of any doubt that you are our strength and you are always here. Thank you for these blessings and for all of the other ones that cover us daily. It's in Jesus' name I pray. And all God's people said......Amen!
Get thee behind us, Satan, because "I want to be where the people are....I want to see, want to see 'em dancing!" It might be a Disney song/movie, but friends, can't you just see all the believers dancing in the streets of Heaven when you hear those words?
And with that encouraging, beautiful picture.....I hope you all have a blessed day! Love ya......
Of course, this is question of direction (or lack thereof) is among the other somewhat more imminent concerns that include the VERY LOOMING one which is a lack of a home of our own, the DEPRESSING fact that my husband is all but absent from our lives because he's living in a semi-truck while trying to support his family (and can I just take this moment to thank you, Jesus, for cell phones), and the ALARMING fact that it seems that almost every member of my husband's family is turning out to be cancer-ridden. No lie.
So, in the midst of all this....yet another -- or the continuing saga -- of my GPS crisis. What to do...where to go? Now, I am still totally of the mindset that I want to be where God wants me to be. I want to hear His amazing voice and know His will. Have I had clear indication lately....um, NO. Have I been told time after time how to seek His direction? Yep. Pray, Read my Bible, Meditate on His word. Got it. Or do I? I do it...I feel revitalized...I have renewed hope, a renewed sense of "Okay -- It's all okay. We are fine and we'll continue to be fine. He's got it all under control." And then Satan's next curveball gets lobbed at me and again, I'm set a-floundering.
The ironic part of this? I have maps -- literally dozens of them. Before we left California to move to Michigan, I went down to my handy dandy AAA office and got maps of all the states we were going to pass through....because you know, crossing the country as a homeschooling family was going to be a huge educational journey. Was it? Oh, yes. Did we even so much as crack open most of those maps? Nope. A few we used, but most of them sat in the nice plastic bag that AAA so kindly provided me with which to carry my 17 pounds of free literature. And not only do I have AAA maps, I have maps from the Welcome Center of every state John has crossed into while driving his truck for the past 6 months and as well as maps from every state that my mother-in-law has been to on her beloved bus trips since we've been here. All brought home in glorious abundance so that we have plenty of geography resources. Woo Hoo! Honestly, I love having the resources to use for the kids' schooling. But like I said...quite ironic given that it's direction and guidance I really want right now. It's almost like rubbing salt into the gaping, open wound that is my heart.
Compound into the problem the fact that my dear husband is prone to depression and since he's alone in said semi-truck 24/7, he's struggling mightily. I hear it in his voice, even when he doesn't admit to having a rough day and it just really creates that much more of a wound in my heart.
But in the midst of all this struggle and questioning and despite my wounded and oft-bandaged heart, there are a few things I know for certain. I truly believe that we are to be here in Michigan...despite the horrifyingly cold weather we suffered through this winter, despite the fact that my mother-in-law has blatantly said she doesn't want us to live with her anymore, despite the fact that we have blatantly said we don't WANT to live with her anymore. We ARE supposed to be here -- at least in Michigan, if not in this particular house. Spencer is thriving at his school and it's one of the best in the country, from what we understand. And not only that, but we had multiple confirmations on moving here prior to even leaving CA. And we had confirmation aplenty on the actual trip. In fact, those confirmations couldn't have been more blatant than if they'd been the actual neon road signs I had prayed about.
One example:
During the actual move, we had just left Albuquerque and we were driving through the barren stretch of land that is part and parcel in that area of New Mexico. Any of you who have ever driven I-40 know what I'm talking about. Anyhoo, there I am just singing and worshipping God, praying a little bit here and there and we hit a little bit of a rain storm. Now, mind you, it was a LITTLE bit of rain. Just enough to sprinkle on the windshield. And soon after, what do we see? Double rainbows. So, beautiful. Now we've all seen rainbows before....but how often do you actually see the END of the rainbow? You know, where the proverbial pot of gold sits? Rarely, if ever, right? Well, low and behold, after a few more miles of driving, there it was. I could see the actual end of one of the rainbows to the right side of the freeway. So close and clear that I could see the plants growing out of the ground right through the colors of the rainbow as it touched the ground. It was AMAZING. I'll probably never see it again in my life, but it's one of those things I'll never forget either. To me, that was just God's way of reminding me that He was with me on the journey and to never give up hope because He has a plan for my life. Again, awesome and so soothing to my soul. We certainly could have used the pot of gold, but friend, I take whatever He offers, and this was a gift, no doubt. It was breathtaking.
Another example:
We were somewhere in Texas and it had been such a LONG day. We were just driving down the freeway and what to my wondering eyes should appear ...nope, not Santa in September... but a HUGE cross. Now when I say HUGE, I mean, H-U-G-E.
I was in awe. John and I were driving separate vehicles with the kids split between us and I managed to snap out of my reverie just in the knick of time to make the freeway exit to get a closer look. Not only was it a huge cross, but a whole area devoted to the three crosses as on Calvary, a depiction of the Last Supper, a cave with an angel statue outside as meant to be where they buried Him and He rose from the grave, and a "garden" such as Gethsemane where He prayed beforehand. It was so moving and so amazing -- this huge monument, literally, in the middle of nowhere. There was actually a gift shop and things there but we stopped after closing hours, so we didn't actually get to talk to anyone. But it was an awesome photo op and just blew us away. Again, we took it as yet another confirmation that we were on the right path. I'll include a couple of pictures of the monument here so you can see. Beautiful.
And still another confirmation:
On the last night we were driving, as we made the turn from Missouri into Illinois for that last jog north before we headed east, I was SO very tired. But because of finances, we didn't want to stop to stay in a hotel for another night, so we planned to drive straight through. I was so tired, but we were both determined to drive as far as we could before stopping to nap. It was about 2 a.m. and the kids were all zonked out. And it was right then, when I didn't know how much more I could take, when I saw it. Another HUGE cross off the freeway. Just seeing it reminded me of the hope I had to keep in my heart and the endless, bottomless source of strength that I could rely on in order to make it a couple more hours. Does that sound hokey? If so, I can't help it. It was a literal, physical reminder and it worked almost like a caffeine-jolt.
At still other times on the journey, we would see billboards of Bible verses and different things reminding us that God was on our side and that we were headed in the right direction.
I know He is right here with us now, just as He was on the journey here. He led us to an awesome church home where we are getting amazing teaching and solid Biblical theology put in front of us weekly. I have an opportunity to go to the ministry school that our church started a few years ago and that will fulfill one of the yearnings in my heart (one that I know is straight from God). I also joined a Bible study group a few weeks ago and finally am having some fellowship with other ladies from the church which also helps to soothe another yearning of my soul.
So why is it that I've been continuing to have to fight feeling helpless and hopeless -- directionless? Why do I feel like Ariel in the Little Mermaid who is so sure she wants something that she doesn't have?
I know that PMS is no joke and that my hormones are probably playing part in this struggle right now. I know that Satan will use every available weapon to fight with us.
I also know that knowing J is having a rough time factors in because I feel wholly helpless to do anything for him since, you know, he's in Tennessee this morning and here I am in Kalamazoo...I might as well be in Timbuktu. We all miss him so very much, but all I can do is pray for him and remind him of our love. And sometimes, I don't know whether those reminders help or increase his yearning to be home.
Yet another contributing factor in my ongoing battle was my seemingly innocent interest in checking out the state of my credit report the other day. Ye Gads....what a disaster. From a lovely, reconstructed and nurtured thing to a disaster in 15 short months. Not that I put such stock in it (no pun intended), but only because we had worked hard to rebuild it and repair it after J's last battles with unemployment several years ago. Given that it's what determines your worth and reliability from the world's standpoint, we had tried to be really diligent about it. But Lord have mercy, the best thing I can say about it now is that all the negatives will drop off by the year 2016. Yet another tool of Satan to undermine my confidence.
But I am determined to remain encouraged....despite all of these things and despite the fact that in my flesh, I STILL want a neon road sign or some sort of spiritual mapquest directions from point A to point wherever.
Because do you know where the hope lies in all of this? Okay, I'll tell you where....cause I'm just nice like that. :O) It lies in the fact that our God has already won the battle! No matter what weapons Satan uses against me, no matter how much money we DON'T make, no matter how hormonal I may become, no matter WHAT....my hope lies in the fact that although I am devastatingly human, I can be that way and He still loves me. I don't deserve it and I don't claim to. I am flawed in such huge and incomprehensible ways, but I am saved by something bigger and even more incomprehensible -- by HIS LOVE and JESUS' SACRIFICE. Made for me. Made for all of us. None of us are beyond hope. And that alone is enough to give me hope for this minute and for the next time I get slammed by yet another of Satan's fast balls. Because there will be that next time. But right now, in this minute, I refuse to live in fear of it.
Twice this morning, I was reminded of the book "Hinds Feet in High Places." I am so like Much Afraid. But today, this Much Afraid is going to look up to the heavens and remember that although I don't know His plan, He does indeed have one for me. I just have to keep seeking His face and wait for His timing to play it out. My bloggy friend Lysa TerKeurst posted this verse on her blog today, encouraging us to let God have His way with us:
Isaiah 30: 21-22,
"Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, 'This is the
way you should go,' whether to the right or to the left. Then you will
destroy all your silver idols and your precious gold images. You will throw
them out like filthy rags, saying to them, 'Good riddance!'
Oh, Father...I claim this for my life, for our lives, in Jesus' mighty name. Let me be open to your teaching and sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Help me to be a tool in the excavation of your world. Help me to be a tool in the lives of my children. Help me to be WHATEVER, WHOMEVER you want me to be. Amen.
And another blog I love is Beth Moore's -- she is such an amazingly gifted teacher. She also had a verse that just reminded me of what I need to focus on today:
It's Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation:
If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When
worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY."
Again, Lord God, I claim this....it is so true!! Please touch us all today...me, mine (who are gifts, all of them, straight from Your hands!) and everyone who might read this. We all want more, Lord. We all want to know your paths for our lives and to see your promises realized. Bless us, Lord, give us peace that surpasses all understanding and help us remember that your love is greater than anything that is in this world. Help us to put our feet on your solid rock and to know beyond any shadow of any doubt that you are our strength and you are always here. Thank you for these blessings and for all of the other ones that cover us daily. It's in Jesus' name I pray. And all God's people said......Amen!
Get thee behind us, Satan, because "I want to be where the people are....I want to see, want to see 'em dancing!" It might be a Disney song/movie, but friends, can't you just see all the believers dancing in the streets of Heaven when you hear those words?
And with that encouraging, beautiful picture.....I hope you all have a blessed day! Love ya......
Amy Grant's New Album
Okay, ya'll.....Amy Grant has a new album out!!! Can you just feel the earth tremblin' as I jump up and down about this?? LOL
Check it out at the iTunes store.........just click here!
It's sweet, I tell you....sweet!
:O)
Check it out at the iTunes store.........just click here!
It's sweet, I tell you....sweet!
:O)
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My Lollipop Gang - Becca, Spencer, Braden, and Conner
