Divided Hearts + Roller Coasters = Serious Spiritual e-Motion Sickness

I'm going to endeavor to write something "post-worthy" right now. And I fear that it will be another epic post -- my thoughts are definitely leaning in that direction -- so consider yourself forewarned. I also make no promises as to whether the end product will be amusing, thought-provoking or even make any sense.

Because, y'all, if life as I have recently been experiencing it (say the last 15 minutes) is any indication, I will be interrupted countless times by children who are either in dire need of my immediate assistance...whether it be with 1) cleaning up the potty mess that somehow inexplicably ended up on the floor (how does that happen and said child not know how???), 2) waking the Daddy who is snoring on the couch -- because the children cannot hear the TV over the snoring, it seems... or 3) to put ice (or in this particular instance, frozen corn!) on the head that came into contact with the corner of the mantel. *sigh* A Mommy's work is never done.

Where to start? That in itself is kind of amusing given that I've spent the last weeks pondering where on this Earth we're supposed to END UP! But spiritually speaking, I've spent the past few days really questioning my life's path, my goals, and my faith. And I have to say, I'm having some concerning issues with all of the above.

LIFE PATH ISSUES:

John's been unemployed for way too long now. I realize this situation is probably God's nudging to us to make a major change. However, a clear, defined game-plan for this change is what I really need. I don't mind changing. I don't LIKE it, be sure you understand. But I can handle it. Even a cross-country move isn't more than I can handle if that's what He's calling us to do. It's just semantics and geography. But what I really need is to be able to plan it and just do it. (No, Nike is not endorsing this blog. Unfortunately, as if that were the case, my checking account would likely be much happier!)

Back to the point, though...this sitting around and waiting stuff just drives me batty. Truly it does. All this goes back to a post from earlier this year about how I am SUCH the instant-gratification girl. And while I've definitely learned some lessons in this area and am doing so much better, this situation is testing my new-found patience to its very limits. Honestly.

One really nice development is that John's murder trial (no, our lives really haven't gone THAT awry....he's just Juror #4!) will be hearing closing arguments on Tuesday and will probably begin deliberation that day as well. So we're hopeful to be able to close this month-long chapter of our story within a week. Whew...that will be a relief. While I am grateful for the trial in that it gave J a purpose everyday and feeling useful really did seem to lift his spirits, I will be happy that we can re-focus and try to figure out exactly what path God would have us take in so far as the next few months are concerned.

GOAL ISSUES:

My issue in this area is that I'm struggling majorly with feeling like we're in limbo....again and again, I come back to this metaphor...we're like the Israelites out in the Desert....waiting for the Promised Land. I've gone over and over everything in our lives and I keep trying to figure out if we have some undiagnosed area of disobedience and the only thing I can come up with is that we're not physically where He wants us. And we SO want to be where He wants us. That's really the only Goal I have in my life.

God also gave me a clear picture a while back that I need to be in the backseat for a while -- and in said picture, my hands are clearly tied behind my back. What I've interpreted this to mean is that I'm not to "work" towards solving our current problems. I need to let Him work and to let He and John negotiate the driving and the navigating of this particular journey.

Any of you who know me well must realize that letting go and obeying this command is SO outside of my comfort zone. I quite honestly feel like I've just jumped out of an airplane and the last thing the pilot said was "Best of luck....our parachutes don't open 50% of the time." But no worries, I can only die, right?! Don't get me wrong...I'm not afraid of dying...it's just the brick wall that I might slam into that scares me a little bit.

FAITH ISSUES:

I recently wrapped up two Bible studies....one that had been written by Priscilla Shirer...called Discerning the Voice of God. It was AMAZING. I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who's trying to do exactly that....hear His voice, hear His guidance. The other was facilitated by Beth Moore through the LPM blog for the "Siestas." It was called "No Other Gods" and the author of the actual study was Kelly Minter. Beth Moore is such a gifted teacher and is so FUNNY. I learned so much from each of the studies and I just couldn't wait for my study time every single day. I was so excited about opening my Bible and I believe that I was truly hearing God's voice.

But they both ended a couple of weeks ago and increasing over the past weeks and especially this past few days, I've found myself floundering. Both in my excitement about His word and my faith in His promises. I know that's a terrible thing to admit and a terrible place to be. I would like to chalk it all up to PMS and hormones...and while that may be true to a certain extent (BigMama, can I just say that I relate to your platefuls of chocolate chip cookies this week....and I am not even on steroids! Just iron pills...but that's a story for another day.), I know that I have been allowing the Evil one to play with me like a yo-yo this week. He's been able to jerk my string to his will and because I wasn't staying in the Word and wasn't in tune enough with myself or God, I didn't do a thing to stop him. This doesn't make me proud. In fact, I pretty much want to bury my head under the covers and have me a bowlful of cool whip with chocolate chips mixed in and maybe even Hershey's syrup thrown in for good measure (Hi, Susan!). However, I think at this point, that would pretty much excite him. Can I just say, for the record, that being Satan's plaything is so NOT a goal I have for my life!

But as life will, it has progressed this week...through said PMS....through our little Riley dog almost going to Doggy Heaven...through dealing with navigating the uncharted waters of autism....through dealing with the normal, everyday stress that comes from unemployment, foreclosure, bill collectors' incessant phone calls, and having a credit rating of -324. I used the analogy earlier today that I've been hanging on by a thread and it's felt at times like even my thin thread was rapidly unraveling. Not a happy place to be, I assure you. But through this progression of life, you'll be happy to know that I've found a few moments of solace.....in cooking, in reading silly novels, in reading all of my favorite blogs, and in finishing up my own work for the month. Anything that helped me "cope" for a little while and that could buffer my own reality a little bit.

Do you notice what I didn't do? That's right. I didn't turn to Him in prayer. I didn't hit my knees. I didn't turn to His word. I didn't even use my "Phone a Friend" lifeline to ask someone to pray for me. "Where does my help come from?" was not my first thought....and months ago, even weeks ago, perhaps even days ago, it would have been. This is not a Kodak moment for me in my spiritual journey, to say the least.

Earlier in this post, I made the comment that a Mommy's work is never done. I know this is true...and I know that so many of you out there know and understand this in all it's profoundity (is that a word...and did I even spell it right?!). And I realize that my next correlation is not an original one...but looking at my life over the past few days, I have come to the conclusion yet again that God must echo that sentiment...but to a degree that I can't even begin to imagine.

The God of our universe looks at me as His child and He must feel that same joy I do when I think of my children and He must also feel the same kind of love.... the kind that knows no bounds in my soul as I contemplate the wonderful gifts they are and how blessed I am that I have been gifted with them. I just stand in amazement at the wonder of their personalities, their talents, and their views on the world around them.

And while He created me and knows me so very intimately, down to the very hairs on my head...I know He can't very well stand in amazement at His creation all the time....given that He knows my every thought and my heart's every last motivation. At this cringe-worthy realization, I realize that He must also feel currently and have felt many, many times in the past....the same disappointment that I will know someday when my children are older. This is the disappointment that comes from seeing your child make decisions that you know will bring them heartache....and while I know that He gave me free will to make those decisions, I also know He wants me to turn to Him and ask for His guidance. He wants me to seek His will so that I can learn to make good decisions that will benefit me. Just like I hope my own children will trust me enough to ask my opinion and seek my guidance as they begin to make decisions that will impact their lives...their goals, their paths. And I know that He must hope for me in the same way that I hope for them...that someday I will have taught them well enough that they will grow into mature individuals. But I can only hope that those mature individuals will still love me enough to want a close relationship with me...and know that they can turn to me whether they need a helping hand, a helpful word, or just when they need a friend.

The difference between my parenting and God's is that I don't have any specific destination planned for their lives. My only goal for each one would be that they would want an intimate relationship with Him and that they'll seek His will. I know that if they do that, they will be fine. Health and wealth and happiness may come and go, but they will know the Rock and have the security of His solid foundation. I say that because I know it to be true -- because His word declares it -- and I also know, for the same reason, that God has a plan for my life...for each of our lives. I know that in my head. And most of the time, I know that in my heart. But like I said, this week my faith has been wavering...it's been yo-yo-ing.

But then a little while ago, during one of those "reading my favorite blogs" moments, God used a sweet bloggy sister named Lysa to remind me where it is I need to be turning in those moments of faithlessness, in those moments of despair...when I can almost see that brick wall approaching.... I need to cry out to my God. "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11. [Note to self: This is that kind of Sneaky God Stuff where God speaks to you where you ARE since you refuse to turn to Him or His word in your time of trouble!]

Side note aside, all sorts of things come to mind as I analyze this scripture in terms of my faith lately. Picture a yo-yo. Yes, it's a circle if you look at it from one side. But turn it about 90 degrees and look at it straight on. What do you see? Two sides with a string in the middle. Two sides -- divided. My heart -- divided and struggling between faith and faithlessness.

What could that string between the two sides symbolize -- besides the unraveling thread that I've felt has been my life lately? Perhaps a rope...yes, very much as in "I'm at the end of mine!" ...or perhaps it's my own spiritual battle realized as a life or death game of tug-of-war between me and Satan who's trying to thwart me. With a life full of dissatisfaction and God's unrealized plans as my only future if Satan wins. Not encouraging at all, need I say?

But then yet another idea that comes to mind goes back to the yo-yo....when you play with a yo-yo, it goes up and down, up and down, up and down. If the yo-yo-er is really talented, it can go in all sorts of interesting patterns and do all kinds of tricks. However, I'm not so talented....mine goes up and down, up and down, up and down...and on occasion, I might walk the dog. And that in itself is so much like my life that it's scary, in fact. But, once again, I digress...back to my point: in Priscilla Shirer's study on Discerning the Voice of God, she made a point that if we focus on the circumstances that surround us in our lives, we're going to constantly be on a roller-coaster ride as life will have it's inevitable ups and downs. But if we keep our focus on our God, our spirits will be "immune" to the circumstances and we'll be able to ride them out unscathed.

Spiritually, I started off this year praying for New Year's Restoration....so needing it after losing my Emily friend last year as well as all of the struggles we had then with John's job, etc. I was really hopeful then that this year could only be better than the last. I am sorry to say that I'm even more in need of that restoration now. I just really don't feel like I have much of a reserve left...my joy is fleeting and so much of the time, my heart is heavy....I need some serious refreshment and rejuvenation. I told my family earlier this week that Mommy just needs a vacation. (LOL...and so they served me breakfast in bed the next morning, calling it "room service!" Can I just say that my little village is very, very sweet?!) But I know now, as I take a step back and really look at my life, that it's because I've been focusing on the circumstances and I've forgotten lately to set my internal GPS on "God."

I have to tell you, though, that all this yo-yo-ing and roller coaster riding are pretty ironic coming from a girl who suffers from serious motion sickness as a fact of life. Honestly, I cannot ride in the backseat of a car without a bucket. And right there's some more irony for you...remember the "picture" I shared earlier of my current backseat role in this journey we're on? You can't tell me that God doesn't have a sense of humor. But this yo-yo effect and the roller coaster ride I've been on are the very reasons I am so grateful that God spoke to me today in spite of myself, in spite of my faithlessness. (Thank you again, Lysa!) I really did need to be reminded that I need to walk in His truths and to learn His ways so that I'm not living on this roller coaster and constantly crying out to God and to my people that they should "Stop the world! I WANT TO GET OFF!" My world spinning out of control is just not a pretty thing...in so many ways (not the least of which requires the above-mentioned bucket).

Because if you're living in your flesh and if you give in to those moments of vacation desperation and you cry out "Stop!"....you never know if your parachute will really open when you step off, after all. There could be some seriously hard asphalt in your immediate future.

But I have to fall back on the fact that I have to have hope...we all have to have hope -- God did speak to me today...what is that if not hope-inspiring?! And so my hope is that we definitely have a brighter destination than leaving a "splat" in the middle of the I-10 and I have to have faith that our parachute will indeed open in time.

I have to tell you....there are times where I feel like I'm play-acting...I feel a little like Dorothy, clicking her Ruby-slippered heels together and chanting "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." But when it all comes down, I do believe in God's promises. Home is definitely wherever my God wants me and wherever my people are. The exact longitude and latitude I may not know and I still don't know WHEN we'll get there. And whether it be achieved via parachute, hot-air balloon, or overheating U-Haul, I'm not picky. No matter what method God decides to use to transport us from here to there, just keep praying that our GPS stays programmed on "God" and I promise, when we do arrive (and I know we will!), I'll send you a postcard.

****P.S. I interrupt your regularly scheduled programming in order to provide you a household update and a bibliography of references:

In case any of you actually remember how I began this post, I wanted to let you know that while I didn't make it through the several hours it took me to write this without interruption, I can honestly say that with God's grace and John's assistance, I did not commit any grievous offense against my beloved offspring. Dinner was late, yes, but did ensue without any children starving to death.

Also, it has been drawn to my attention that not everyone in the universe reads the same blogs I do, and so my "BigMama" reference left my husband clueless. Forgive him, Melanie...he knows not what he's missing! LOL Please see http://thebigmamablog.com/ for more information. Also, the "Lysa" I referred to is Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 ministries. Her blog address is: http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/. And my funny friend Susan can be found at: http://4bigheads.blogspot.com/.

I thank my lucky stars that God saw fit to bring these ladies of faith (or at least their blogs!) into my life because as I commented to Lysa earlier, I never fail to be amused, inspired or encouraged by them on a daily basis.

More of my favorite blogs:

Rocks in the Dryer: http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/
Boo Mama: http://boomama.net/
Beth Moore and her daughters...I am proud to be a Siesta!: http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/

And that concludes the advertising portion of our program. Good night!

God's Big Picture???

****This post was originally sent as an e-mail update to friends and family on 8-11-08.***

Hi, everyone!

I know it's been a while since I've sent an update, but there hasn't been a lot happening in our world.

Here is our latest: John still hasn't found a job and it's been 6 months today since he got laid off. His unemployment benefits will end in a few weeks and we are no closer today to a solution to all this than we were 6 months ago. That's rather frustrating, but we still have faith that God has a greater plan for us than we're able to see and we are holding strong to that. I watched Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Larry King Live last week, discussing how the death of their youngest daughter has affected their family and something their oldest son said really impacted me. At the memorial service for Maria, evidently, he said something to the effect that if you are too close to something, like a painting of a beautiful mural on a wall, you really can't see the whole picture and it's only when you're able to back away from the wall and take in the whole "big picture" that you're able to appreciate it for what it really is. I feel like that about our life right now. I know we have a beautiful family and that we are bountifully blessed and I know that God is faithful and will provide for us, but beyond that, I'm too close to it all right now to see beyond the obvious obstacles and get to God's "big picture."

In addition to the whole employment situation, or the lack thereof, John got chosen as a juror last week on a gang-related murder trial that's supposed to last for a month. So, he's going to be at the courthouse for 4 to 5 hours everyday.

We're also feeling led that we're supposed to leave California. However, we're not quite sure where exactly we're meant to go. This would seem to be the ideal time given we've no "ties" like job, etc....but again, there are obvious obstacles. Personally, I will hate to leave the church we've found, but I know that if it's God's plan to lead us away from here, that He'll lead us to where we're meant to worship and learn again as well. I also worry about leaving Spencer's therapist as he's making so much progress and doing so very well. Again, I need to just trust that God will just protect him and hold him close, helping us to find another program that will meet his needs and help him continue to grow and mend. And then....there's our house...we need to sell it and quickly. We're behind now and with no job on the horizon, it doesn't look like we'll be able to keep it even if we were to stay here. Our neighbor did voice an interest in buying it from us a few months back so that would be a potential option as well, if he's still interested. We just kept hoping John would find a job and we'd be able to work it out with our mortgage company as there are so many programs out there now to help people avoid losing their homes. But as much as we love our house, we're not more attached to it than we are devoted to being within God's will for us. So, if that means leaving CA, then that obviously means leaving this house also.

So, we're just coming to you and asking that you would all pray for us. First, please pray that God will show us where we're meant to be. We've never felt we really belong here in CA, but this is where John's job was, so we stayed. However, that is not a hindrance at this point and that might be God's "point" in allowing this unemployment situation to continue as long as it has and not only that, but to be a RECURRING issue in our lives. Please pray that He will just pave the way to where He would have us be and show us that clearly -- that He'll give us a "neon road sign/map," if you will. We have ideas, but again, they're OUR ideas. So, we need Divine Guidance about all this. Also, please pray that if we're meant to move out-of-state, that He'll provide the means for us to do so as it's going to be quite expensive and our coffers are absolutely empty. As well, once we figure out where we're supposed to go and how we're going to get there, we need guidance about employment and our living situation for once we get there. So, just prayer covering all of these things as this is obviously a huge undertaking and just overwhelming even in the consideration stages.

Secondly, please just pray for God's covering and protection over our family as John participates in this trial. I know we all have a duty to serve, but the nature of the trial makes me uneasy and the length of it is just inconvenient. I was going to try to get a job through a temp agency this month until John did find a job and now I can't, as my wages would only end up paying for the babysitter. Perhaps this is God's answer to that prayer, as well, because I prayed that He would direct me as to whether or not that was His will for us, too. I'm willing to work...but again, we are just so trying to be open to what He has for us that we are seeking direction on every decision we make. I guess that's what we're supposed to do, though, aren't we? :O) And that option was removed, so I guess, in a sense, my prayer was definitely answered. Funny how that happens.

Overall, I just feel like our lives are one big prayer request right now. But, we DO have a few praise reports to share. I had to go to the ER last Sunday because of severe pain in my right side accompanied by a fever (we were afraid it was my appendix) and we found out that I had a 6 1/2 cm cyst on my ovary. However, they also found that I was SEVERELY anemic. So much so that they considered giving me a blood transfusion. However, they opted to just have me do oral supplements (that made me very happy) and now, the pain in my side has pretty much entirely disappeared. My theory is that God used the pain to get me to go in and be seen because I really had none of the normal symptoms of anemia at all. And the anemia was so severe that the doctor said that within a short amount of time, my systems would have started shutting down like I had no blood at all -- like I had bled out. (???!!!) The doctor wasn't worried about the cyst and said that where it was concerned, a few things could happen: it would re-absorbed and would just go away, it would burst and that would be that, or it would continue to grow and I would have to have it surgically removed. However, I had pretty bad pain through Tuesday night and then it was gone. Literally, like gone. No severe pain that would indicate that it burst....nothing. All I can say is that is some Sneaky God stuff.

Also, like I mentioned earlier, Spencer is making huge progress with his therapy. He is talking away, he's socializing well, and his gross motor skills have improved hugely. He's still not at a 2 1/2 year old level, but he's come SO far in such a short amount of time. Autism can be so overwhelming but we feel very blessed that we're finding our way along this journey -- so no matter what speed we're going, at least we're making progress and that is where we need to be. We adjusted his diet a couple of months ago and he's no longer drinking regular milk and we're trying to limit the other casein and gluten in his diet as well. It's just really hard with our limited budget as well as with his likes/dislikes to accommodate a gluten-free/casein-free diet in it's entirety. But just taking the milk out made a HUGE difference for him and so that's very encouraging to us. It's amazing to me the impact that diet has on neurological function and it's such a blessing to me that I'm able to contribute to helping him in such a simple way -- with such profound results!

Conner is also potty-training and we're hopeful that he'll be completely trained by the end of this week. That's a big thing for a 3-year-old and he's very proud. :O) We're also very proud of him, as well. (And we're excited to be down to having only 1 child in diapers, needless to say!)

Another small thing, but huge for us.....I found the curriculum I've been praying for so far as the kids' schooling is concerned and I am so excited about it. It is literally based off of God's word and is yet another tangible example of God answering prayer!!

And one last praise report: we were also gifted with van repairs for a second time this year and so our van is up and running again and that's a huge blessing for us as well. Our little Corolla was not exactly designed to transport a family of 6 so life was quite challenging there for a while. But again, God is good.

At long last, I think I'm done!! Thank you for your patience in reading another long e-mail from us. But please do pray for us if you can. I believe that with all of you joining us in prayer regarding all this, that we can't help but find God's path for us and come to a place where our life is more praise reports than prayer requests. :O) And please let us know if we can pray for any of you as well --- we are so honored to do so!! We love you all and hope that all is well in your lives.

With love and blessings always.........
Staci, John and all