Thinking Spaces

Quit the stinkin' thinking, already!!

2010-02-24T10:19:00.001-08:00

Sometimes our circumstances can feel overwhelming and out of our control. But we need to remember -- our attitude about our circumstances is something we can control and it very well may need to be adjusted.

I listened to Focus on the Family a couple of months ago and Dr. Dobson was talking to a pastor of a church...he used to be an NFL player, I believe...and he has been fighting cancer for a few years. His attitude was AMAZING...he claimed that it was all a gift from God...and he praised God through every moment of the treatment and illness. He was such an inspiration to me. No matter how bad what WE are going through may seem, there is always someone out there who is going through something so much worse.

God can use the circumstances we are in, no matter what they are, for His glory....but we have to cooperate. Things may be sucky -- they are what they are -- but when we wail and complain (which we ALL do at times), we are NOT giving the glory to God. We are glorifying the enemy. And I know that none of us intentionally WANTS to do that. To avoid that, we have to be very, very INTENTIONAL about our words -- we have to get a grip on our lip!

Our words shape our lives. Speak things...not as though they are...but as they SHOULD and WILL be. "Today's load sucks...but I have given it to the Lord and He will give me the strength to carry it. I will have a better and brighter day tomorrow."

You see, our faith and the words that result from it will literally either make us or break us. Think about it...If we believe in our hearts and confess with our mouths, we are saved -- our very salvation is a result of the combination of faith and WORDS. You have to keep talking the right thing...and believing the right thing. According to what I've been learning, it is stinkin' thinkin' that defeats people! God gave us His word to remind us.....

1 John 5:14-15 -- 14 This is the assurance we have in approaching god: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us -- whatever we ask -- we know that we have what we asked of him."

Mark 11:22-24 -- 22 "Have faith in God," Jesus answered, " 23 "I tell you the truth,kif anyone SAYS to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but BELIEVES that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours...." [emphasis mine]

Romans 5:3-5 -- 3 No only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Ephesians 5: 15-20 -- 15 Be very careful, then, how you live -- not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.....19...sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Colossians 3:1-2 -- Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

We need to remember, Jesus already defeated Satan!! But we can allow ourselves to feel defeated...or we can CHOOSE victory. We can choose to feed our faith (faith comes by hearing and hearing by the WORD!)...and let our FAITH feed our MOUTHS. If we do that, then we can be sure that our words are glorifying to God. You can't let Satan discourage you -- again, Jesus already won the battle...but he will try to drag you back down in that pit. And it's alot easier to just avoid the pit than it is to drag yourself OUT of it. Focus on God, not on your circumstances...as heavy as a burden as they might be. GIVE IT TO GOD. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I can attest that in the last 6 months that I've been trying to adhere to these principles, I've had such peace!! Even through hard times, the peace remained. I just wanted to share....

***Thanks to Pastor Beth Jones, Brother Kenneth Hagin, and Casandra Howell for inspiration and/or message elements.***

My Christmas Gifts

2009-12-21T13:03:00.000-08:00

Twas the Monday before Christmas and all through the house,
all the creatures WERE stirring...but hopefully not any mice. :O)
The stockings were hung on the entertainment center with care,
in hopes of finding many goodies someday waiting there.

With Becca in her dance costume and Braden in his cami,
they'd just settled down for a long game of Sorry.
When from the living room...arose such a clatter,
we all ran there to see what was the matter.

And what to our wondering eyes should we see,
but Conner and Spencer dressed up like Christmas trees.
Oranments galore and lights in their hair,
wearing smiles so bright...evidence true of their sheer delight.

Our real Christmas tree was sitting in shambles,
But it wasn't for that that I did scramble.
It was for our camera, of course, that I went to find.
The moment was precious and one-of-a-kind.

I came back to the room only to see,
My other two children finishing decorating those "trees."
On top of their heads, ribbons and bows.
The finishing touch for a perfect holiday pose.

The four of them spoke not a word, but giggles were clear to hear.
The chorus of "cheese" and the click of the shutter,
The moment itself sent my heart aflutter.
This family of mine is such a gift! Messes and clutter, I could care less.
I thank my Father above because my heart and life are so very truly blessed.

Life is hard. But God is good.

2009-11-20T11:29:00.000-08:00

Life is also unfair...but given that we live in a fallen world, I guess I should expect it. Somehow, it never fails to surprise me, though.

I have spent the past few days trying to ground myself in prayer and in God's Word and failing miserably. Don't get me wrong...I had moments of success, but they were few and far between. I spent these days allowing -- unwittingly at times and knowingly in others -- the enemy to wreak havoc in my life and my heart. Days that I can't get back now and words that I can't retract.

But I think I may perhaps have gained a little bit of wisdom through this wreck of a weekend and so can say this: I cannot allow nasty, bitter people to insinuate their nastiness into my spirit. It doesn't matter how much of God that I put in if a little bit of that "stuff" can wipe it all out in only a few hours of reliving my childhood. All of the insecurity that I carried because of it...all of the pain and resentments that I thought that were gone...they came flooding back from some hidden well of infection that had been festering unbeknownst to me. Either that or the new wound festered really quickly and efficiently. Perhaps it was both.

Regardless...I have to be more careful. I have to protect my spirit man from these attacks. If that means that I can't be in touch with the person in question any more, then I guess that is what I will have to do. I hate the idea of it, but I think that the repurcussions are too far-reaching to take the risk of letting this person have such a powerful effect on my life and the lives of those around me. I don't want to perpetuate nastiness, pain and bitterness. And that's just what happened. I won't ever stop praying for the person because God is forever faithful and I know that change can happen through Him. But I can't allow the person's attitudes affect me...to infect me. No spiritual swine flu for me!

When life's circumstances squeeze me, I want to spurt out the affirmations of God. I don't want to fall into a pit of despair and hopelessness. God has been so faithful to me...I want that to be the legacy that I leave. Not like those who have hurt me and leave me to deal with the pain and negativity in their wake. The fruit will determine where our roots were planted...I have to choose to be solid and to grow fruit that is sweet and plentiful. I want to have deep roots and full, thriving branches -- proof that I'm being quenched by the Living Water. I don't want to be withered and dry...easily burnt, easily blown away or quickly eroded by the lies and tactics of the enemy.

I guess the bottom line is that we live in a world of polar opposites. The Earth has a North and a South Pole....land and water. Magnets have a positive and negative end. We can choose ketchup or mustard for our hot dogs. Peanut Butter and bananas or peanut butter and jelly? And the biggest set: The devil is bad and God is Good. But what I need to remember is that we do not have to willingly be taken captive by the enemy -- we can take a stand and we can refuse to be caught between the rock and the harder place. We can jump up on that rock and claim authority. We HAVE to fight the good fight. And we have to remember that love and kindness will win a lot more souls -- and friends -- than bitterness, insecurity and anger.

If people could look in me and see my spirit man today, they'd see someone who is battered and bruised....much like the little girl used to be. But they'd also see that spirit man smiling and giving thanks -- because 'he' knows that she's been forgiven and that God loves her anyway. And that's the lesson, folks, Life is hard. But Love always wins.

Ready, Set.....GLOW!

2009-07-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

I know we've all heard how God meets us right where we are and answers our prayers in His perfect timing. Well, I have heard loud and clear today!! Praise Him!

I am subscribed to several different e-devotionals and I read several different blogs -- all of them lift me up, make me think, amuse me, and teach me. I love my cyber friends! Anyhoo, I've mentioned the Proverbs 31 Ministries in the past and I'm about to again. I get their e-devotional every day and today's was just phenomenal. I'll put the link above. Just click on the button "Read Today's Devotion."

So, for me, who's been on this quest for the last year and a half or two years....this was so PERFECT!!

The writer is Van Walton and the devotional was titled "Shine." This is just a snippet...

""I began to realize that God was not going to tell me where to move. He had a message for me. I remember it to this day, twenty-two years later.

"It really doesn't matter where you are. You are in me and I am in you. Wherever you live, wherever you go, wherever you work, you will find people who need Me. Introduce them to your heavenly Father. Live a life that encourages others to seek Me. Love all people. Teach them how to live. Use your life, your actions, and My Word. This is what you can do whether you live here or there. Remember, wherever you go, I am with you. Wherever you go take me with you and let your light shine." ""

Now how's that for divine guidance, friends??!! Yay!! I'm so excited and I feel so very blessed. How simple, but how perfect: SHINE. Okay, so I can do that!

Thank you, Father God, for giving me revelation and for giving me direction. Even though it probably should have been common sense, I love the fact that you use whatever tools work for each of us individually to reach out and grab us into Your arms right where we are -- wherever we are. You've got my heart and my life, Father. Help me to use them to the fullest for Your kingdom. In Jesus's name I pray! Amen.

Get thee behind me, Satan!!!

2009-07-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

So, here's the story, my friends, and it might be a long one, so settle in. Grab a soda and some chips and put your feet up and gird yourself. 'Cause here it comes:

So, for the past few weeks, I've been dealing with some major insecurity issues -- basically, John quitting his job really caused a crisis of mammoth proportion within me. I've had major issues regarding our relationship (I'm going through the Love Dare workbook -- from the movie "Fireproof" currently in an attempt to alleviate some of the emotions I've been struggling with), but I've also been having some major insecurity issues about myself as an individual. I've never been the most secure or the most "comfortable in my own skin" person to start with, but the past two years have really wreaked havoc on every aspect of my life and outlook. That's not necessarily a bad thing, as I've really been seeking God and trying to figure things out on His level and based on His economy. As I posted yesterday, I've spent countless hours contemplating where we are supposed to be and go and do. Yada, yada, yada.....

So, yesterday, in that same above-mentioned post, I posted a link to Pastor Beth's e-devo and also named and claimed the victory and the victorious life, in Jesus' mighty name. I still do. (Amen. Again.) Don't forget this because this will turn out to be a major plot element in what transpired today.

So, anyway, again....plagued by insecurities. The negative tapes have been running in my head almost constantly, telling me that we're never going to be successful, that we're going to always be living in these kind of conditions, that we'll never be able to provide for our kids, that really God doesn't want to use me in His church and that I have no talents to share anyway. I've been trying to self-talk my way around this stuff, somehow on a day-to-day basis without dwelling too much on any of it...because in my heart of hearts, I know that these things aren't true, but I really didn't see it for what it was until tonight.

When I got up today, I just felt absolutely slimed....like I was moving through sludge, all morning long. I even posted on facebook today that it felt like I was in slow motion. Again, didn't really connect that to anything except perhaps that I didn't get enough sleep.

So, we're on the way to Conner's gymnastics class today and I was listening to Charles Swindoll's "Insight for Living" broadcast. Becca tried to interrupt the program to tell me something and I asked her to wait until I was done listening to the program to talk to me. Well, when he was done making his point a few minutes later, Rebecca couldn't remember what she wanted to tell me. So, then I felt bad for prioritizing a radio program over my child. So, I thought about it for a few minutes and I said to the kids that we needed a keyword....something that we could say at anytime to get the other's attention immediately....so that we would know, in our family, when one of us says that word....we need to stop what we're doing and listen. The word "sparkle" popped into my head. The kids thought that was a great word...not something we use in conversation very much and that would be something we could always recognize. So, of course, they "sparkled" up the conversation several times today, just for practice. :P Nothing really important, mind you....just wanted to see if it would work. It did. Hopefully, it will not be a "boy who cried wolf" scenario or we might have to scrap the idea, but we'll see. As you'll see later as I go on with the story, it did serve a purpose today, however. A HUGE one.

So, if you've known me for a lot of years, you probably remember the complexion problems I had in my late teens and early 20's. It was bad -- alot of little cystic acne and just overall ugly stuff. Needless to say, it caused a lot of insecurity on my part about my appearance, etc. My dad calling me "pizza face" and teasing me about it probably didn't help either, but difficult parents will have to be for another post on another day. Lately, though, like for the past 10 or 12 years -- my skin has not been so bad and it's been such a relief. Anyone who has ever suffered with acne can relate, I'm sure. I have to say I am a huge fan of Proactiv. Not that I've been able to afford it for the last year or so, but still....huge fan.

Well, this afternoon, one of the kids said I had a blackhead on my nose. Well, couldn't be having that. So, I went to take care of said blemish. *sigh* The next thing I know, I have a needle in my hand, blood running down my face, and I look like I'd been on the rack and tortured or something. The blackheads were gone, the little cysts were gone, but my face was rather mutilated and quite swollen and I looked pretty atrocious....like some freak of nature or that "pizza face" kid all over again. I really don't remember much about all of it except that I remember thinking that I HAD to get those cysts out of my face and that maybe if I just scraped all my skin off, it would come back better. It was like I was in a trance or something.

So, a couple of hours went by and I was REALLY freaked out. And every time I went by a mirror, I got more and more freaked out. I had things to do...I had my class at church tonight and I have business appointments tomorrow night -- what on earth had I done to myself and WHY?

It suddenly dawned on me that it was definitely some sort of spiritual warfare and an absolute attack from the enemy. I felt a really strong need to reach out to someone, but I really didn't want my kids to hear me talk about this and so I just sent out a prayer request via e-mail to a few of the ladies that I'm in contact with regularly. But still, I was really freaked out. And I knew the first thing John would ask me when I picked him up from work was "What on earth happened to you?!" And of course, that's the first thing he said. And after that, I was just worried about having to face the people at church with my mutilated face. That, too, I'm sure was just part of the attack....trying to keep me away from anything to do with fulfilling God's purpose for my life. (The class is all about figuring out where you would best be suited to serve God and His kingdom. *cough* cough* See where we're going here??)

So, anyway, we head back home and it takes about all of my willpower to pull myself together to get out the door to go to class. Then on the way there, a box truck almost hits the van and almost runs me off the freeway...yet another attack, trying to keep me from making it to church at all.

I finally get there...right on time, I might add....after telling John specifically that I wanted to get there a bit early so I could make sure to get a seat at a table since taking notes is rather difficult on my lap. But of course, where did I end up again? In the chairs to the side -- NOT at a table again. But then again, it's all good and I'm just relieved to be there in one piece. However, I would not have been opposed to being able to hide behind a pillar or some other obstacle for the whole class. Alas, that was not an option and the poor 75 other people in the room were exposed to the horror that was my face. *sigh*

Then, as I struggled to focus on the lesson at hand and keep my mind off the attack that took place in my house that day, a few things start shaping up in my mind. Although I knew it was an attack, I really hadn't connected it to anything "big picture" wise. However, while I was sitting there in the house of the Lord, the puzzle pieces all started to come together regarding the 1) my mounting insecurities, 2) Pastor Beth's e-devo from yesterday, and 3) my blog post regarding it. Not to mention the fact that I'm in the middle of a 5-week class about serving God and we're attempting to start a new business at the same time. Oh, and the small fact that I am expecting to start ministry school through the church in September. So, basically I realized that I've got this huge bullseye on my head and the enemy was using me for target practice today -- LITERALLY.

So, as I sit there with mounting excitement, just over the fact that all of it is starting to make sense, I tune back into the lesson and Pastor Jen is talking about how to figure out what our gifts are and some ways to pinpoint God's call on your life. So, she says, "What is it that you do that makes you sparkle? What is it that you do that makes you leave the room feeling like you're just sparkling?"

What??!! Hello?! You've got to be kidding me?! How many times do you hear the word sparkle in conversation? And, come on, on the same day that you and your kids decide that this is going to be your keyword for "Sit up and pay attention!?" Talk about sneaky God stuff......

Needless to say, I did sit up and pay attention. Literally and in my spirit. So, then I continued connecting all the dots of the events of this day in particular....together with all the stuff about how for the past year and a half (at least), I've been on this quest to find out what God's call is for my/our life. Let's just say that I was getting more than a little bit excited.

So, I sit there continuing to ponder the wonder of it all (If that sounds like a song, it is....by Point of Grace. You're welcome. It's awesome...you'll love it if you don't already know it.) A half hour or 45 minutes passes and now we're in the chapter about specific giftings of the spirit -- specifically, distinguishing between spirits (1 Cor. 12:1-11).

Pastor Jen starts telling us about a "vision" (I don't think she used that term, but basically that's what it was) that she had before she and her famly started coming to VFC. Since she shared it with our whole class, I'm hoping it's okay that I share it here....as it's kind of vital to my ultimate revelation. Anyhoo, she said she was sitting in the sanctuary of her previous church one day and she had this moment where all of sudden she could "see" this hazy curtain or film between herself and the rest of the congregation. On the other side of this curtain, the people were all kind of in slow motion and moving slow and very sluggish. On her side, everything was crystal clear and crisp. She said this only lasted for a few seconds, but it was long enough for the Holy Spirit to speak to her regarding the decision they'd been struggling with about leaving that church. They needed to not be "slow motion" Christians and they needed to move forward in clarity. Again, my words, not necessarily hers...but the general gist is the same. My first thought was..."Did she really just say "slow motion?" Because that's exactly what I posted on FB earlier today!?"

In that moment, again....kind of an extension of the "sparkle" moment...the Holy Spirit brought me to an amazing realization: Not only was I supposed to sit up and take notice of this whole "process" that I'm going through, He used this imagery specifically to tell me and to show me that the veil in our lives is being rent -- it's being torn in two. Just as the veil that protected the Holy of Holies was rent in the tabernacle in that moment when Jesus died....the veil is being rent in our lives right now. We ARE victorious and we HAVE won the war. I may have to bear the signs of the battle on my face for a few more days, but the enemy will NOT win this fight. I do not have to lay down and die because he decides to attack me. He who is in me is greater than he who is in this world. And God has a plan for us and for me...and His plan will overcome the plans of His enemy. I do not have to walk through my life slimed and in slow motion any longer. I do not belong to him and neither do my husband or my kids. I will speak not only excellence over every area of our lives, I will speak prosperity and being blessed to be a blessing over our lives!! I will realize God's calling on my life and I will live to realize His plans accomplished!!!

I'm so happy and so excited that I wish I could hug ya'll!! But since I can't I'll just hush for now and say thank you for your prayers and thank you for sticking with me through this perilously long post. But wasn't it just worth it?! Can I hear an "AMEN?"

*****Hallelujah...Praise you, Lord! And thank you, for being so faithful and sharing some of your vision with me. Thank you for that encouragement. I ask, Father, that you would grace my friends and family with some of that same encouraging revelation, tailored specifically for their situations. I thank you for the insight for living that you gave me today...and I thank you for sparkling your way into my consciousness. You are an awesome and amazing God and I thank you for sending your only begotten son to die on the cross for a sinner like me. I love you and again, I thank you. In Jesus' mighty name. Amen.****

Chock full of nuts

2009-07-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

So, here's the deal. If you have read my blog for any length of time (sporatic though the posts may be), there has been a consistent theme since I started. I have been struggling to find direction and God's purpose for my life. Living a roller-coaster Christian experience.

I spent time today dissecting an e-devo from one of the pastors at my church that I got today. It got me so excited and I was so in awe that I couldn't NOT talk about it here. I have been slowly coming to terms with these things since starting to attend Valley Family Church here last fall. However, I have never seen something that so described me in such a perfect, proverbial "nutshell" before. I give you, I'm a nut, all right....but I want to be identified as a "Jesus-junkie" (thanks Tricia and Erika), "crazy for Christ" nut, not just a deluded, out-of-touch nut.

So, Pastor Beth....thank you! This was awesome and touched me in ways that I'm sure I haven't fully explored yet. Check out this link: http://edevos.bethjones.org and click on "Give me a V" to read it in its entirety.

But, Lord God, I name this and I claim this....in Jesus' mighty name! I will be a victorious nut and proud of it! Anybody with me?!

[Scripture references Pastor Beth Jones cited: 1 John 5:4-5, 2 Corinthians 2:14, Romans 8:37]

Love and Hate...not necessarily in that order

2009-05-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, ya'll here's my rant of the day: I hate scams. UGH! For the girl who would've been voted "Most Gullible" in high school or maybe I was....it's late, I can't quite remember.....I just really hate the fact that there are so many internet scams out there. And yes, I have fallen hook, line and dollar (many -- way TOO many dollars!) for several different ones. Guilty. However, having gotten scammed made me a little bit more cautious and a lot more suspicious. So I check things out THOROUGHLY before I even consider buying/subscribing/falling for whatever is being advertised.

Case in point: Today, Yahoo! had a headline in their "Marketplace" box that read: "Heart Attack Survival: Hugh Downs on little known symptom sadly ignore in Bottom Line book." I clicked on the headline to go to the ad, because I was understandably curious. Especially after my little scare in February. But, the ad looked suspicious to that Sherlock Holmes wannabe inside of me....like I said, I've fallen victim one too many times to just believe everything I read anymore. But I clicked on the "continue" button at the bottom of the page anyway. The next page wanted more information about me -- contact information, etc. But it also gave the company's name and address. So, given my naturally suspicious and cautious nature (cough, cough), I went to the Better Business Bureau website and looked said company up. Low and behold, they have an F rating with the BBB.

Can we talk? I mean, come on! This was the front page -- the home page -- of the Yahoo! website. Seriously. How important are advertising dollars - even in this economy - that such a huge internet force would allow advertisements from a company that has an F rating? Does integrity not matter anymore? Does trust and reliability mean nothing? I am so very disappointed. I did sent Yahoo! an e-mail with the pertinent information. I really hope that I'm wrong, but truly I am not so naive as to think that they'll actually do something about it or care. And I hate that. I hate that I automatically think the worst instead of hoping for the best. However, considering the hoops that I had to jump through to actually get to a place and a form where I could e-mail them, I really hope they respond. They don't make it easy for people to get in touch with them -- which in and of itself just affirms my theory that they DON'T/WON'T CARE. *sigh* Politics really just wear a girl out.

But now that we've got the bad news out of the way....let's end on a happy note! I heart Facebook! :O) I just signed up today and it's officially official, I'm in love -- or okay, infatuation. Because it'll probably cool off in a few days, but at this point, I find it totally cool to chat with people that I've been missing for half my life and didn't even know that I missed until I saw their name again. Some people I acknowledge that I knew I missed (I'm not clueless about EVERYTHING, friends) but some people, I just saw their name and I was taken back in time. It may sound really new age-y and ya'll who know me know that I am so NOT, but I am totally of the belief that if you truly connect with someone, you're never the same after that connection. They're a part of your history and your life. So to re-connect with people who had an impact on you...even 20 or 25 years ago, is so WOW in my book! Or my Facebook, as the case may be.

And what's really sad is the fact that I've probably said/typed/thought "Like" and "You know" and "Totally" more today than I have in about 20 years and I have to attribute that to the bad influence of the people's names that I saw in the Facebook pages today....because you know, it's like totally got to be their fault because I like totally don't talk that way normally. You know?

Just chalk it up to me needing rest, folks. Rest and a vacation. And perhaps some medication (or a margarita?) to help me relax. A restful medicated vacation. Calgon......totally take me away.

My Soapbox Moment of the Day: Why I think we should step off and leave the Gosselin's in peace

2009-05-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, can I just say that I feel for these people?

Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been my favorite show for like a year and a half now. And for someone who pretty much has given up TV watching, that's saying a lot. But in the past day or two, I've become so disheartened. I'm so bummed that something that was such great family fun is being turned into something sordid and nasty. I really enjoyed watching their family negotiate it's way through the challenges of raising two sets of multiples and all the personality clashes that go along with raising a large family -- including the parents' personalities. I was excited for them that their show was opening up great opportunities for them and that their circumstances were allowing them to take their kids on vacations and to enjoy each other's company. I was excited that Jon had the opportunity to work from home so that he could be with the family more often. I was happy for them that they got a new house where they could be more comfortable and allow the kids to have more private space.

But this current publicity is just driving me crazy. And while I realize that Satan is this way, I just feel like it's really sad. In the beginning, I was just like -- "No way, just chalk it up to paparazzi and the media not allowing anything to be righteous and good in this world. Everyone is a little jealous and so wants to detract from a real, but solid marriage/family." But the more time goes by, the more and more news reports and the more and more people jumping in to give their two cents, I just have to wonder if there is something to all the rumors and all the magazine covers, after all. Personally, I am quite like an ostrich -- happy to live with my head in the sand, but come on now...there is a point where even I have to face facts.

I understand, however -- ahem! and so should the rest of TV viewers --that I don't have any facts other than what I hear reported on the internet/news. And understandably, most of those "facts" will be distorted and are not, indeed, truly facts. Everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame. But even the most idealistic optimist has to be somewhat pragmatic at some point and understand that where there is smoke, most likely there is some sort of fire.

I'm just getting really tired of it all and if I am, how must Jon and Kate (let alone their poor family and friends) feel?

So, here's the deal....my bottom line is that I'm going to pray wholeheartedly for them and for the healing of their relationship and for the wounds that this media storm has caused. For what God has put together, let no man put asunder!

I'm also going to pray that the paparazzi and the media start respecting their privacy, for goodness' sakes. I realize that Jon and Kate did create this fishbowl that they live in, but there comes a point where we have to understand that, even though we're the public that made the show what it is, we have no right to pry any further inside than we've been invited. And in no way have any of us been invited into their personal relationship or the mistakes made therein! They opened their door to show us their lives but they did not invite us into their family in anything more than a superficial way. The invitation did not include the right to decimate their family and destroy their bonds of trust -- those things require an invitation of intimacy that was not extended to any of us!

Any poor decisions and poor judgement calls made on the part of any party within their family relationship need to be dealt with behind closed doors -- within their family. That's all. I'm not saying that those things are right, but give the poor people a chance to be human! They are not any different than any other people on this planet other than the fact that they are living lives that have had some extraordinary circumstances introduced into them-- not the least of which is a TV viewing audience.

Come on people -- show some respect (and if you don't have that -- at least show you have a heart) and let's give them the opportunity to deal with God and each other -- they are not accountable to us, the freaking TV viewing public. They are accountable only to God and the vows they made to each other, in His sight. Give them a break and give us all a break, for goodness' sake. They have 8 children who are going to have to pay the price for our insatiable curiosity about this family's life. Think about that and back off, okay?!

*****And Jon and Kate, if by some freak chance you happen to read this, please know that your whole family is in my prayers and that I have faith in you! You just have to remember that no mistake is bigger than the power of God's healing. Just CLOSE THE DOORS and give yourselves the opportunity to be healed, if that's what it takes. He'll take care of you. Just place your faith in HIM and do what you need to do for the sake of your sweet family. Let the TV viewing public, your contracts, and TLC take care of themselves. Prioritize and make sure that God is first and that your marriage and family is next. You don't have to be OF the world to live IN the world. If you remember those things, everything else will fall into place. I say these things in love and not in judgement, please know that. Be blessed! *****

"Road Maps? I've got plenty. But who cares? No big deal.....I want more........"

2009-05-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

Oh so many months ago, I actually posted a rambling thought or two on here and one of my major concerns in life had to do with direction. Well, turns out that is STILL one of the pressing concerns in my life.

Of course, this is question of direction (or lack thereof) is among the other somewhat more imminent concerns that include the VERY LOOMING one which is a lack of a home of our own, the DEPRESSING fact that my husband is all but absent from our lives because he's living in a semi-truck while trying to support his family (and can I just take this moment to thank you, Jesus, for cell phones), and the ALARMING fact that it seems that almost every member of my husband's family is turning out to be cancer-ridden. No lie.

So, in the midst of all this....yet another -- or the continuing saga -- of my GPS crisis. What to do...where to go? Now, I am still totally of the mindset that I want to be where God wants me to be. I want to hear His amazing voice and know His will. Have I had clear indication lately....um, NO. Have I been told time after time how to seek His direction? Yep. Pray, Read my Bible, Meditate on His word. Got it. Or do I? I do it...I feel revitalized...I have renewed hope, a renewed sense of "Okay -- It's all okay. We are fine and we'll continue to be fine. He's got it all under control." And then Satan's next curveball gets lobbed at me and again, I'm set a-floundering.

The ironic part of this? I have maps -- literally dozens of them. Before we left California to move to Michigan, I went down to my handy dandy AAA office and got maps of all the states we were going to pass through....because you know, crossing the country as a homeschooling family was going to be a huge educational journey. Was it? Oh, yes. Did we even so much as crack open most of those maps? Nope. A few we used, but most of them sat in the nice plastic bag that AAA so kindly provided me with which to carry my 17 pounds of free literature. And not only do I have AAA maps, I have maps from the Welcome Center of every state John has crossed into while driving his truck for the past 6 months and as well as maps from every state that my mother-in-law has been to on her beloved bus trips since we've been here. All brought home in glorious abundance so that we have plenty of geography resources. Woo Hoo! Honestly, I love having the resources to use for the kids' schooling. But like I said...quite ironic given that it's direction and guidance I really want right now. It's almost like rubbing salt into the gaping, open wound that is my heart.

Compound into the problem the fact that my dear husband is prone to depression and since he's alone in said semi-truck 24/7, he's struggling mightily. I hear it in his voice, even when he doesn't admit to having a rough day and it just really creates that much more of a wound in my heart.

But in the midst of all this struggle and questioning and despite my wounded and oft-bandaged heart, there are a few things I know for certain. I truly believe that we are to be here in Michigan...despite the horrifyingly cold weather we suffered through this winter, despite the fact that my mother-in-law has blatantly said she doesn't want us to live with her anymore, despite the fact that we have blatantly said we don't WANT to live with her anymore. We ARE supposed to be here -- at least in Michigan, if not in this particular house. Spencer is thriving at his school and it's one of the best in the country, from what we understand. And not only that, but we had multiple confirmations on moving here prior to even leaving CA. And we had confirmation aplenty on the actual trip. In fact, those confirmations couldn't have been more blatant than if they'd been the actual neon road signs I had prayed about.

One example:
During the actual move, we had just left Albuquerque and we were driving through the barren stretch of land that is part and parcel in that area of New Mexico. Any of you who have ever driven I-40 know what I'm talking about. Anyhoo, there I am just singing and worshipping God, praying a little bit here and there and we hit a little bit of a rain storm. Now, mind you, it was a LITTLE bit of rain. Just enough to sprinkle on the windshield. And soon after, what do we see? Double rainbows. So, beautiful. Now we've all seen rainbows before....but how often do you actually see the END of the rainbow? You know, where the proverbial pot of gold sits? Rarely, if ever, right? Well, low and behold, after a few more miles of driving, there it was. I could see the actual end of one of the rainbows to the right side of the freeway. So close and clear that I could see the plants growing out of the ground right through the colors of the rainbow as it touched the ground. It was AMAZING. I'll probably never see it again in my life, but it's one of those things I'll never forget either. To me, that was just God's way of reminding me that He was with me on the journey and to never give up hope because He has a plan for my life. Again, awesome and so soothing to my soul. We certainly could have used the pot of gold, but friend, I take whatever He offers, and this was a gift, no doubt. It was breathtaking.

Another example:
We were somewhere in Texas and it had been such a LONG day. We were just driving down the freeway and what to my wondering eyes should appear ...nope, not Santa in September... but a HUGE cross. Now when I say HUGE, I mean, H-U-G-E.

I was in awe. John and I were driving separate vehicles with the kids split between us and I managed to snap out of my reverie just in the knick of time to make the freeway exit to get a closer look. Not only was it a huge cross, but a whole area devoted to the three crosses as on Calvary, a depiction of the Last Supper, a cave with an angel statue outside as meant to be where they buried Him and He rose from the grave, and a "garden" such as Gethsemane where He prayed beforehand. It was so moving and so amazing -- this huge monument, literally, in the middle of nowhere. There was actually a gift shop and things there but we stopped after closing hours, so we didn't actually get to talk to anyone. But it was an awesome photo op and just blew us away. Again, we took it as yet another confirmation that we were on the right path. I'll include a couple of pictures of the monument here so you can see. Beautiful.

And still another confirmation:
On the last night we were driving, as we made the turn from Missouri into Illinois for that last jog north before we headed east, I was SO very tired. But because of finances, we didn't want to stop to stay in a hotel for another night, so we planned to drive straight through. I was so tired, but we were both determined to drive as far as we could before stopping to nap. It was about 2 a.m. and the kids were all zonked out. And it was right then, when I didn't know how much more I could take, when I saw it. Another HUGE cross off the freeway. Just seeing it reminded me of the hope I had to keep in my heart and the endless, bottomless source of strength that I could rely on in order to make it a couple more hours. Does that sound hokey? If so, I can't help it. It was a literal, physical reminder and it worked almost like a caffeine-jolt.

At still other times on the journey, we would see billboards of Bible verses and different things reminding us that God was on our side and that we were headed in the right direction.

I know He is right here with us now, just as He was on the journey here. He led us to an awesome church home where we are getting amazing teaching and solid Biblical theology put in front of us weekly. I have an opportunity to go to the ministry school that our church started a few years ago and that will fulfill one of the yearnings in my heart (one that I know is straight from God). I also joined a Bible study group a few weeks ago and finally am having some fellowship with other ladies from the church which also helps to soothe another yearning of my soul.

So why is it that I've been continuing to have to fight feeling helpless and hopeless -- directionless? Why do I feel like Ariel in the Little Mermaid who is so sure she wants something that she doesn't have?

I know that PMS is no joke and that my hormones are probably playing part in this struggle right now. I know that Satan will use every available weapon to fight with us.

I also know that knowing J is having a rough time factors in because I feel wholly helpless to do anything for him since, you know, he's in Tennessee this morning and here I am in Kalamazoo...I might as well be in Timbuktu. We all miss him so very much, but all I can do is pray for him and remind him of our love. And sometimes, I don't know whether those reminders help or increase his yearning to be home.

Yet another contributing factor in my ongoing battle was my seemingly innocent interest in checking out the state of my credit report the other day. Ye Gads....what a disaster. From a lovely, reconstructed and nurtured thing to a disaster in 15 short months. Not that I put such stock in it (no pun intended), but only because we had worked hard to rebuild it and repair it after J's last battles with unemployment several years ago. Given that it's what determines your worth and reliability from the world's standpoint, we had tried to be really diligent about it. But Lord have mercy, the best thing I can say about it now is that all the negatives will drop off by the year 2016. Yet another tool of Satan to undermine my confidence.

But I am determined to remain encouraged....despite all of these things and despite the fact that in my flesh, I STILL want a neon road sign or some sort of spiritual mapquest directions from point A to point wherever.

Because do you know where the hope lies in all of this? Okay, I'll tell you where....cause I'm just nice like that. :O) It lies in the fact that our God has already won the battle! No matter what weapons Satan uses against me, no matter how much money we DON'T make, no matter how hormonal I may become, no matter WHAT....my hope lies in the fact that although I am devastatingly human, I can be that way and He still loves me. I don't deserve it and I don't claim to. I am flawed in such huge and incomprehensible ways, but I am saved by something bigger and even more incomprehensible -- by HIS LOVE and JESUS' SACRIFICE. Made for me. Made for all of us. None of us are beyond hope. And that alone is enough to give me hope for this minute and for the next time I get slammed by yet another of Satan's fast balls. Because there will be that next time. But right now, in this minute, I refuse to live in fear of it.

Twice this morning, I was reminded of the book "Hinds Feet in High Places." I am so like Much Afraid. But today, this Much Afraid is going to look up to the heavens and remember that although I don't know His plan, He does indeed have one for me. I just have to keep seeking His face and wait for His timing to play it out. My bloggy friend Lysa TerKeurst posted this verse on her blog today, encouraging us to let God have His way with us:

Isaiah 30: 21-22,

"Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, 'This is the
way you should go,' whether to the right or to the left. Then you will
destroy all your silver idols and your precious gold images. You will throw
them out like filthy rags, saying to them, 'Good riddance!'

Oh, Father...I claim this for my life, for our lives, in Jesus' mighty name. Let me be open to your teaching and sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Help me to be a tool in the excavation of your world. Help me to be a tool in the lives of my children. Help me to be WHATEVER, WHOMEVER you want me to be. Amen.

And another blog I love is Beth Moore's -- she is such an amazingly gifted teacher. She also had a verse that just reminded me of what I need to focus on today:

It's Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation:

If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When
worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY."

Again, Lord God, I claim this....it is so true!! Please touch us all today...me, mine (who are gifts, all of them, straight from Your hands!) and everyone who might read this. We all want more, Lord. We all want to know your paths for our lives and to see your promises realized. Bless us, Lord, give us peace that surpasses all understanding and help us remember that your love is greater than anything that is in this world. Help us to put our feet on your solid rock and to know beyond any shadow of any doubt that you are our strength and you are always here. Thank you for these blessings and for all of the other ones that cover us daily. It's in Jesus' name I pray. And all God's people said......Amen!

Get thee behind us, Satan, because "I want to be where the people are....I want to see, want to see 'em dancing!" It might be a Disney song/movie, but friends, can't you just see all the believers dancing in the streets of Heaven when you hear those words?

And with that encouraging, beautiful picture.....I hope you all have a blessed day! Love ya......

Amy Grant's New Album

2009-05-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, ya'll.....Amy Grant has a new album out!!! Can you just feel the earth tremblin' as I jump up and down about this?? LOL

Check it out at the iTunes store.........just click here!

It's sweet, I tell you....sweet!

:O)

Happy New Year to all!

2009-01-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

(posting of our Holiday letter, 2008)

January 1st, 2009

Happy New Year to you all! We have been here in Kalamazoo for a little over 3 months now. And other than coming to realize that the weather here is for the birds (okay, the penguins!), it’s been a good few months. :O)

It’s been a Long year (yes, that was a Capital L!) and needless to say, we are not sorry to see it behind us. We are so hopeful that 2009 will bring much brighter and happier times for us. But as always, God did not fail us – His faithfulness continues to amaze and humble us. We are so very blessed and we are so very aware of and grateful for each and every one of those blessings.
John is going to be finishing up truck driver’s school next week and will have a job as soon as he’s done. It’s a far cry from the construction and design work that he’s done for the past 10 years, but with the economy being in the state it is, we are hopeful that this will be a much more stable industry for him.

Our school year got a late start due to the move and getting settled in here, but once we got started, they’ve been really enjoying it. We studied and then painted and built a solar system right before Christmas and they just loved that. Even Conner helped. He’s already learning his letters and Braden is reading everything he can get his hands on. Rebecca, also, is just a little bookworm. We have to go to the library at least every 10 days or so to replenish our supply of books.

They’re going to be starting some classes at the YMCA next week. Becca, Braden, and Conner will be taking swimming classes. Conner will be also taking a tumbling class; Braden, a tennis class; and Becca will be continuing on in ballet and tap dancing. She’s very excited about being able to dance again as she’s missed it so much. She started dancing when she was 3, so not being able to dance this past year was really hard on her. Becca and Braden will also be taking an art class.

One of the hardest parts of the last year was discovering that Spencer is autistic. But we are very blessed because he’s responded so very well to the ABA therapy and to a gluten-free/casein-free diet. He started “school” here in November and it’s been wonderful for him. He’s made so much progress that we’re very hopeful that within another year or so, you won’t be able to distinguish him from any other boy his age. He’s very loving and sweet and very, very smart. He’s very excited to go every day and stands at the door, calling “School bus, where are you?!” while we wait. It’s so cute!

We have found a great church here in Kalamazoo. The kids’ ministry there is fabulous also (one of our “absolutes” in finding a new church home). Right after we moved here, they had a lesson that involved them learning three rules: 1) Honor God, 2) Honor others, 3) Have an attitude of gratitude. I truly found that lesson amazing: It’s so very basic, but it’s such an awesome foundation for life.

Of all the things that have come from the trials that we’ve lived through this past year, we are so happy that our lives have been a living example to our children that God does honor His promises and He does provide for all of our needs. We may not understand all of His ways, but they know now that they can depend on Him for everything. It’s not just talk and it’s not just something we’ve read…it’s something we’ve lived.

So, to you, our friends and family, we send holiday greetings (belatedly!) and we also send wishes for a peaceful and blessed New Year.

3 John 2: Beloved, I wish above all things that you prosper and be in
health, even as your soul prospers.

The Medendorp Family…John, Staci, Rebecca, Braden, Conner, and Spencer

Divided Hearts + Roller Coasters = Serious Spiritual e-Motion Sickness

2008-08-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going to endeavor to write something "post-worthy" right now. And I fear that it will be another epic post -- my thoughts are definitely leaning in that direction -- so consider yourself forewarned. I also make no promises as to whether the end product will be amusing, thought-provoking or even make any sense.

Because, y'all, if life as I have recently been experiencing it (say the last 15 minutes) is any indication, I will be interrupted countless times by children who are either in dire need of my immediate assistance...whether it be with 1) cleaning up the potty mess that somehow inexplicably ended up on the floor (how does that happen and said child not know how???), 2) waking the Daddy who is snoring on the couch -- because the children cannot hear the TV over the snoring, it seems... or 3) to put ice (or in this particular instance, frozen corn!) on the head that came into contact with the corner of the mantel. *sigh* A Mommy's work is never done.

Where to start? That in itself is kind of amusing given that I've spent the last weeks pondering where on this Earth we're supposed to END UP! But spiritually speaking, I've spent the past few days really questioning my life's path, my goals, and my faith. And I have to say, I'm having some concerning issues with all of the above.

LIFE PATH ISSUES:

John's been unemployed for way too long now. I realize this situation is probably God's nudging to us to make a major change. However, a clear, defined game-plan for this change is what I really need. I don't mind changing. I don't LIKE it, be sure you understand. But I can handle it. Even a cross-country move isn't more than I can handle if that's what He's calling us to do. It's just semantics and geography. But what I really need is to be able to plan it and just do it. (No, Nike is not endorsing this blog. Unfortunately, as if that were the case, my checking account would likely be much happier!)

Back to the point, though...this sitting around and waiting stuff just drives me batty. Truly it does. All this goes back to a post from earlier this year about how I am SUCH the instant-gratification girl. And while I've definitely learned some lessons in this area and am doing so much better, this situation is testing my new-found patience to its very limits. Honestly.

One really nice development is that John's murder trial (no, our lives really haven't gone THAT awry....he's just Juror #4!) will be hearing closing arguments on Tuesday and will probably begin deliberation that day as well. So we're hopeful to be able to close this month-long chapter of our story within a week. Whew...that will be a relief. While I am grateful for the trial in that it gave J a purpose everyday and feeling useful really did seem to lift his spirits, I will be happy that we can re-focus and try to figure out exactly what path God would have us take in so far as the next few months are concerned.

GOAL ISSUES:

My issue in this area is that I'm struggling majorly with feeling like we're in limbo....again and again, I come back to this metaphor...we're like the Israelites out in the Desert....waiting for the Promised Land. I've gone over and over everything in our lives and I keep trying to figure out if we have some undiagnosed area of disobedience and the only thing I can come up with is that we're not physically where He wants us. And we SO want to be where He wants us. That's really the only Goal I have in my life.

God also gave me a clear picture a while back that I need to be in the backseat for a while -- and in said picture, my hands are clearly tied behind my back. What I've interpreted this to mean is that I'm not to "work" towards solving our current problems. I need to let Him work and to let He and John negotiate the driving and the navigating of this particular journey.

Any of you who know me well must realize that letting go and obeying this command is SO outside of my comfort zone. I quite honestly feel like I've just jumped out of an airplane and the last thing the pilot said was "Best of luck....our parachutes don't open 50% of the time." But no worries, I can only die, right?! Don't get me wrong...I'm not afraid of dying...it's just the brick wall that I might slam into that scares me a little bit.

FAITH ISSUES:

I recently wrapped up two Bible studies....one that had been written by Priscilla Shirer...called Discerning the Voice of God. It was AMAZING. I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who's trying to do exactly that....hear His voice, hear His guidance. The other was facilitated by Beth Moore through the LPM blog for the "Siestas." It was called "No Other Gods" and the author of the actual study was Kelly Minter. Beth Moore is such a gifted teacher and is so FUNNY. I learned so much from each of the studies and I just couldn't wait for my study time every single day. I was so excited about opening my Bible and I believe that I was truly hearing God's voice.

But they both ended a couple of weeks ago and increasing over the past weeks and especially this past few days, I've found myself floundering. Both in my excitement about His word and my faith in His promises. I know that's a terrible thing to admit and a terrible place to be. I would like to chalk it all up to PMS and hormones...and while that may be true to a certain extent (BigMama, can I just say that I relate to your platefuls of chocolate chip cookies this week....and I am not even on steroids! Just iron pills...but that's a story for another day.), I know that I have been allowing the Evil one to play with me like a yo-yo this week. He's been able to jerk my string to his will and because I wasn't staying in the Word and wasn't in tune enough with myself or God, I didn't do a thing to stop him. This doesn't make me proud. In fact, I pretty much want to bury my head under the covers and have me a bowlful of cool whip with chocolate chips mixed in and maybe even Hershey's syrup thrown in for good measure (Hi, Susan!). However, I think at this point, that would pretty much excite him. Can I just say, for the record, that being Satan's plaything is so NOT a goal I have for my life!

But as life will, it has progressed this week...through said PMS....through our little Riley dog almost going to Doggy Heaven...through dealing with navigating the uncharted waters of autism....through dealing with the normal, everyday stress that comes from unemployment, foreclosure, bill collectors' incessant phone calls, and having a credit rating of -324. I used the analogy earlier today that I've been hanging on by a thread and it's felt at times like even my thin thread was rapidly unraveling. Not a happy place to be, I assure you. But through this progression of life, you'll be happy to know that I've found a few moments of solace.....in cooking, in reading silly novels, in reading all of my favorite blogs, and in finishing up my own work for the month. Anything that helped me "cope" for a little while and that could buffer my own reality a little bit.

Do you notice what I didn't do? That's right. I didn't turn to Him in prayer. I didn't hit my knees. I didn't turn to His word. I didn't even use my "Phone a Friend" lifeline to ask someone to pray for me. "Where does my help come from?" was not my first thought....and months ago, even weeks ago, perhaps even days ago, it would have been. This is not a Kodak moment for me in my spiritual journey, to say the least.

Earlier in this post, I made the comment that a Mommy's work is never done. I know this is true...and I know that so many of you out there know and understand this in all it's profoundity (is that a word...and did I even spell it right?!). And I realize that my next correlation is not an original one...but looking at my life over the past few days, I have come to the conclusion yet again that God must echo that sentiment...but to a degree that I can't even begin to imagine.

The God of our universe looks at me as His child and He must feel that same joy I do when I think of my children and He must also feel the same kind of love.... the kind that knows no bounds in my soul as I contemplate the wonderful gifts they are and how blessed I am that I have been gifted with them. I just stand in amazement at the wonder of their personalities, their talents, and their views on the world around them.

And while He created me and knows me so very intimately, down to the very hairs on my head...I know He can't very well stand in amazement at His creation all the time....given that He knows my every thought and my heart's every last motivation. At this cringe-worthy realization, I realize that He must also feel currently and have felt many, many times in the past....the same disappointment that I will know someday when my children are older. This is the disappointment that comes from seeing your child make decisions that you know will bring them heartache....and while I know that He gave me free will to make those decisions, I also know He wants me to turn to Him and ask for His guidance. He wants me to seek His will so that I can learn to make good decisions that will benefit me. Just like I hope my own children will trust me enough to ask my opinion and seek my guidance as they begin to make decisions that will impact their lives...their goals, their paths. And I know that He must hope for me in the same way that I hope for them...that someday I will have taught them well enough that they will grow into mature individuals. But I can only hope that those mature individuals will still love me enough to want a close relationship with me...and know that they can turn to me whether they need a helping hand, a helpful word, or just when they need a friend.

The difference between my parenting and God's is that I don't have any specific destination planned for their lives. My only goal for each one would be that they would want an intimate relationship with Him and that they'll seek His will. I know that if they do that, they will be fine. Health and wealth and happiness may come and go, but they will know the Rock and have the security of His solid foundation. I say that because I know it to be true -- because His word declares it -- and I also know, for the same reason, that God has a plan for my life...for each of our lives. I know that in my head. And most of the time, I know that in my heart. But like I said, this week my faith has been wavering...it's been yo-yo-ing.

But then a little while ago, during one of those "reading my favorite blogs" moments, God used a sweet bloggy sister named Lysa to remind me where it is I need to be turning in those moments of faithlessness, in those moments of despair...when I can almost see that brick wall approaching.... I need to cry out to my God. "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11. [Note to self: This is that kind of Sneaky God Stuff where God speaks to you where you ARE since you refuse to turn to Him or His word in your time of trouble!]

Side note aside, all sorts of things come to mind as I analyze this scripture in terms of my faith lately. Picture a yo-yo. Yes, it's a circle if you look at it from one side. But turn it about 90 degrees and look at it straight on. What do you see? Two sides with a string in the middle. Two sides -- divided. My heart -- divided and struggling between faith and faithlessness.

What could that string between the two sides symbolize -- besides the unraveling thread that I've felt has been my life lately? Perhaps a rope...yes, very much as in "I'm at the end of mine!" ...or perhaps it's my own spiritual battle realized as a life or death game of tug-of-war between me and Satan who's trying to thwart me. With a life full of dissatisfaction and God's unrealized plans as my only future if Satan wins. Not encouraging at all, need I say?

But then yet another idea that comes to mind goes back to the yo-yo....when you play with a yo-yo, it goes up and down, up and down, up and down. If the yo-yo-er is really talented, it can go in all sorts of interesting patterns and do all kinds of tricks. However, I'm not so talented....mine goes up and down, up and down, up and down...and on occasion, I might walk the dog. And that in itself is so much like my life that it's scary, in fact. But, once again, I digress...back to my point: in Priscilla Shirer's study on Discerning the Voice of God, she made a point that if we focus on the circumstances that surround us in our lives, we're going to constantly be on a roller-coaster ride as life will have it's inevitable ups and downs. But if we keep our focus on our God, our spirits will be "immune" to the circumstances and we'll be able to ride them out unscathed.

Spiritually, I started off this year praying for New Year's Restoration....so needing it after losing my Emily friend last year as well as all of the struggles we had then with John's job, etc. I was really hopeful then that this year could only be better than the last. I am sorry to say that I'm even more in need of that restoration now. I just really don't feel like I have much of a reserve left...my joy is fleeting and so much of the time, my heart is heavy....I need some serious refreshment and rejuvenation. I told my family earlier this week that Mommy just needs a vacation. (LOL...and so they served me breakfast in bed the next morning, calling it "room service!" Can I just say that my little village is very, very sweet?!) But I know now, as I take a step back and really look at my life, that it's because I've been focusing on the circumstances and I've forgotten lately to set my internal GPS on "God."

I have to tell you, though, that all this yo-yo-ing and roller coaster riding are pretty ironic coming from a girl who suffers from serious motion sickness as a fact of life. Honestly, I cannot ride in the backseat of a car without a bucket. And right there's some more irony for you...remember the "picture" I shared earlier of my current backseat role in this journey we're on? You can't tell me that God doesn't have a sense of humor. But this yo-yo effect and the roller coaster ride I've been on are the very reasons I am so grateful that God spoke to me today in spite of myself, in spite of my faithlessness. (Thank you again, Lysa!) I really did need to be reminded that I need to walk in His truths and to learn His ways so that I'm not living on this roller coaster and constantly crying out to God and to my people that they should "Stop the world! I WANT TO GET OFF!" My world spinning out of control is just not a pretty thing...in so many ways (not the least of which requires the above-mentioned bucket).

Because if you're living in your flesh and if you give in to those moments of vacation desperation and you cry out "Stop!"....you never know if your parachute will really open when you step off, after all. There could be some seriously hard asphalt in your immediate future.

But I have to fall back on the fact that I have to have hope...we all have to have hope -- God did speak to me today...what is that if not hope-inspiring?! And so my hope is that we definitely have a brighter destination than leaving a "splat" in the middle of the I-10 and I have to have faith that our parachute will indeed open in time.

I have to tell you....there are times where I feel like I'm play-acting...I feel a little like Dorothy, clicking her Ruby-slippered heels together and chanting "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." But when it all comes down, I do believe in God's promises. Home is definitely wherever my God wants me and wherever my people are. The exact longitude and latitude I may not know and I still don't know WHEN we'll get there. And whether it be achieved via parachute, hot-air balloon, or overheating U-Haul, I'm not picky. No matter what method God decides to use to transport us from here to there, just keep praying that our GPS stays programmed on "God" and I promise, when we do arrive (and I know we will!), I'll send you a postcard.

****P.S. I interrupt your regularly scheduled programming in order to provide you a household update and a bibliography of references:

In case any of you actually remember how I began this post, I wanted to let you know that while I didn't make it through the several hours it took me to write this without interruption, I can honestly say that with God's grace and John's assistance, I did not commit any grievous offense against my beloved offspring. Dinner was late, yes, but did ensue without any children starving to death.

Also, it has been drawn to my attention that not everyone in the universe reads the same blogs I do, and so my "BigMama" reference left my husband clueless. Forgive him, Melanie...he knows not what he's missing! LOL Please see http://thebigmamablog.com/ for more information. Also, the "Lysa" I referred to is Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 ministries. Her blog address is: http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/. And my funny friend Susan can be found at: http://4bigheads.blogspot.com/.

I thank my lucky stars that God saw fit to bring these ladies of faith (or at least their blogs!) into my life because as I commented to Lysa earlier, I never fail to be amused, inspired or encouraged by them on a daily basis.

More of my favorite blogs:

Rocks in the Dryer: http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/
Boo Mama: http://boomama.net/
Beth Moore and her daughters...I am proud to be a Siesta!: http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/

And that concludes the advertising portion of our program. Good night!

God's Big Picture???

2008-08-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

****This post was originally sent as an e-mail update to friends and family on 8-11-08.***

Hi, everyone!

I know it's been a while since I've sent an update, but there hasn't been a lot happening in our world.

Here is our latest: John still hasn't found a job and it's been 6 months today since he got laid off. His unemployment benefits will end in a few weeks and we are no closer today to a solution to all this than we were 6 months ago. That's rather frustrating, but we still have faith that God has a greater plan for us than we're able to see and we are holding strong to that. I watched Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Larry King Live last week, discussing how the death of their youngest daughter has affected their family and something their oldest son said really impacted me. At the memorial service for Maria, evidently, he said something to the effect that if you are too close to something, like a painting of a beautiful mural on a wall, you really can't see the whole picture and it's only when you're able to back away from the wall and take in the whole "big picture" that you're able to appreciate it for what it really is. I feel like that about our life right now. I know we have a beautiful family and that we are bountifully blessed and I know that God is faithful and will provide for us, but beyond that, I'm too close to it all right now to see beyond the obvious obstacles and get to God's "big picture."

In addition to the whole employment situation, or the lack thereof, John got chosen as a juror last week on a gang-related murder trial that's supposed to last for a month. So, he's going to be at the courthouse for 4 to 5 hours everyday.

We're also feeling led that we're supposed to leave California. However, we're not quite sure where exactly we're meant to go. This would seem to be the ideal time given we've no "ties" like job, etc....but again, there are obvious obstacles. Personally, I will hate to leave the church we've found, but I know that if it's God's plan to lead us away from here, that He'll lead us to where we're meant to worship and learn again as well. I also worry about leaving Spencer's therapist as he's making so much progress and doing so very well. Again, I need to just trust that God will just protect him and hold him close, helping us to find another program that will meet his needs and help him continue to grow and mend. And then....there's our house...we need to sell it and quickly. We're behind now and with no job on the horizon, it doesn't look like we'll be able to keep it even if we were to stay here. Our neighbor did voice an interest in buying it from us a few months back so that would be a potential option as well, if he's still interested. We just kept hoping John would find a job and we'd be able to work it out with our mortgage company as there are so many programs out there now to help people avoid losing their homes. But as much as we love our house, we're not more attached to it than we are devoted to being within God's will for us. So, if that means leaving CA, then that obviously means leaving this house also.

So, we're just coming to you and asking that you would all pray for us. First, please pray that God will show us where we're meant to be. We've never felt we really belong here in CA, but this is where John's job was, so we stayed. However, that is not a hindrance at this point and that might be God's "point" in allowing this unemployment situation to continue as long as it has and not only that, but to be a RECURRING issue in our lives. Please pray that He will just pave the way to where He would have us be and show us that clearly -- that He'll give us a "neon road sign/map," if you will. We have ideas, but again, they're OUR ideas. So, we need Divine Guidance about all this. Also, please pray that if we're meant to move out-of-state, that He'll provide the means for us to do so as it's going to be quite expensive and our coffers are absolutely empty. As well, once we figure out where we're supposed to go and how we're going to get there, we need guidance about employment and our living situation for once we get there. So, just prayer covering all of these things as this is obviously a huge undertaking and just overwhelming even in the consideration stages.

Secondly, please just pray for God's covering and protection over our family as John participates in this trial. I know we all have a duty to serve, but the nature of the trial makes me uneasy and the length of it is just inconvenient. I was going to try to get a job through a temp agency this month until John did find a job and now I can't, as my wages would only end up paying for the babysitter. Perhaps this is God's answer to that prayer, as well, because I prayed that He would direct me as to whether or not that was His will for us, too. I'm willing to work...but again, we are just so trying to be open to what He has for us that we are seeking direction on every decision we make. I guess that's what we're supposed to do, though, aren't we? :O) And that option was removed, so I guess, in a sense, my prayer was definitely answered. Funny how that happens.

Overall, I just feel like our lives are one big prayer request right now. But, we DO have a few praise reports to share. I had to go to the ER last Sunday because of severe pain in my right side accompanied by a fever (we were afraid it was my appendix) and we found out that I had a 6 1/2 cm cyst on my ovary. However, they also found that I was SEVERELY anemic. So much so that they considered giving me a blood transfusion. However, they opted to just have me do oral supplements (that made me very happy) and now, the pain in my side has pretty much entirely disappeared. My theory is that God used the pain to get me to go in and be seen because I really had none of the normal symptoms of anemia at all. And the anemia was so severe that the doctor said that within a short amount of time, my systems would have started shutting down like I had no blood at all -- like I had bled out. (???!!!) The doctor wasn't worried about the cyst and said that where it was concerned, a few things could happen: it would re-absorbed and would just go away, it would burst and that would be that, or it would continue to grow and I would have to have it surgically removed. However, I had pretty bad pain through Tuesday night and then it was gone. Literally, like gone. No severe pain that would indicate that it burst....nothing. All I can say is that is some Sneaky God stuff.

Also, like I mentioned earlier, Spencer is making huge progress with his therapy. He is talking away, he's socializing well, and his gross motor skills have improved hugely. He's still not at a 2 1/2 year old level, but he's come SO far in such a short amount of time. Autism can be so overwhelming but we feel very blessed that we're finding our way along this journey -- so no matter what speed we're going, at least we're making progress and that is where we need to be. We adjusted his diet a couple of months ago and he's no longer drinking regular milk and we're trying to limit the other casein and gluten in his diet as well. It's just really hard with our limited budget as well as with his likes/dislikes to accommodate a gluten-free/casein-free diet in it's entirety. But just taking the milk out made a HUGE difference for him and so that's very encouraging to us. It's amazing to me the impact that diet has on neurological function and it's such a blessing to me that I'm able to contribute to helping him in such a simple way -- with such profound results!

Conner is also potty-training and we're hopeful that he'll be completely trained by the end of this week. That's a big thing for a 3-year-old and he's very proud. :O) We're also very proud of him, as well. (And we're excited to be down to having only 1 child in diapers, needless to say!)

Another small thing, but huge for us.....I found the curriculum I've been praying for so far as the kids' schooling is concerned and I am so excited about it. It is literally based off of God's word and is yet another tangible example of God answering prayer!!

And one last praise report: we were also gifted with van repairs for a second time this year and so our van is up and running again and that's a huge blessing for us as well. Our little Corolla was not exactly designed to transport a family of 6 so life was quite challenging there for a while. But again, God is good.

At long last, I think I'm done!! Thank you for your patience in reading another long e-mail from us. But please do pray for us if you can. I believe that with all of you joining us in prayer regarding all this, that we can't help but find God's path for us and come to a place where our life is more praise reports than prayer requests. :O) And please let us know if we can pray for any of you as well --- we are so honored to do so!! We love you all and hope that all is well in your lives.

With love and blessings always.........
Staci, John and all

The Justice League...and the cyclical craziness of life

2008-06-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

I've had serious bloggers block for a while now and I haven't been able to think of a darned intelligent or amusing thing to say to y'all. So, it's been about oh, 4 months since I've posted anything. Life in these past four months has been HARD. But the Good News...and you noticed that is capitalized....the Good News is that God is good. It's a much-used cliche, I know. But, like most cliches, grounded in truth. Life is hard, but God is good.

So a run-down: John lost his job; Spencer is autistic; I'm having to work full-time (from home, but still full-time); I've been missing my Emily friend something awful these last couple of months; Becca and Braden have had some inexplicable rash for about 3 months now (it comes and goes and we can't figure out what the heck is causing it); Conner thinks he's about 13 but he's still just a very small 3 1/2 year old and for the life of me, I can't seem to get it through his head that he can't do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it -- "Oh, and can you please use a quiet voice, Conner, while you're NOT doing this, that, and that, too!" On top of everything else, the van broke down AGAIN. That's probably not everything, but for now, it's definitely enough. All in all, it adds up to enough to make any sane person CRAZY.

But these things I know are true: 1) God is bigger than each and every one of these problems. 2) What won't kill me will inevitably make me stronger (but can we give someone a clue that I don't necessarily want or think I need to be quite THIS strong -- puh-leese??!!). 3) God's faithfulness and provision are freaking amazing. And 4) Even though I may be complaining (Lord, please forgive me!), I know that in spite of it all, there is someone out there who is so much worse off than I am and so I should actually be on my knees right now, just giving praise to Him from whom all blessings flow. We are so very, very blessed. But I am also so very, very human and I'm just tired.

I started a Bible Study at church on Philippians. It's a very good study and I'm learning alot -- just about how to study the Bible in an in-depth kind of way. But the bottom line in Philippians is about finding JOY in God. What a great lesson that is...and that's why I decided to take the class overall. I need to find that place of JOY in this life again. To be able to wallow in it and drink it out of all the ordinary moments...not just the happy, happy ones. If Paul could find joy in life....even in the midst of being flogged and imprisoned, I certainly should be able to find joy in a life as blessed as mine.

For now, though I need to find balance. Balance between work and family. Balance between free time (what there is of it!) and God time. Balance in our finances. Balance in my mind -- to let go of the anxiety and the stress and come to that place of peace...the peace that begets the joy.

John and I have been also taking a marriage class through our church. It meets every Sunday morning and it's called Love and Respect. It's a Bible-based marriage series done by Emerson Eggerich (sp?). It's been eye-opening. In a society where we are taught about unconditional love, the Bible also demands from us -- commands us -- that respect is unconditional. Men are commanded to love their wives and women are commanded to respect their husbands. We aren't commanded to love because it's in our nature to love....men aren't commanded to respect because it's in their very nature. But we are to unconditionally respect our men. That just blew me away. Everything in my nature told me that respect was to be earned. So this has been a whole new concept for me to try to ingrain into my head and into my very essence. We women need to be loved in order to survive and flourish. Our men need to be respected in order to survive and flourish. The series also expands on the crazy cycle that couples often find themselves on: When a woman feels unloved, it causes her to react disrespectfully. When a man feels disrespected, it causes him to react in an unloving manner. Which only perpetuates the same behaviors....the crazy cycle. But it's amazing because now that we're aware of the existance of the crazy cycle, it seems easier somehow to jump off it.

So again, in my life right now, it all comes back to balance...breaking the crazy cycle in every area where I feel out of synch. And for as much as I hate scales (the bathroom kind), I love balance....I have always had an innate need for justice....and there is justice in balance. And balance, in my eyes, equates to peace. And peace in my soul is priceless. And if I'm peaceful, I'm much easier to love and it's much easier to love others if my soul is at peace.

I don't think that it's any coinky-dink that this verse in Acts 9:18 "...something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he could see again." has been playing over and over in my head as I muddle through this post. There is a connection between the "scales" falling off of a person's eyes and being able to find balance in this life. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to keep your balance sometimes when your eyes are closed? The Lord's lessons sometimes seem complicated and convoluted -- if and when we're looking at them with scales on our eyes....just like this life we're muddling through. But the bottom line is normally really, really simple. Peace, joy and love....where is the only place we can ultimately find these simple, simple -- and very elusive -- pleasures?? Why, in Him, of course. Who is the ultimate judge and the ultimate purveyor of justice? Why, Him, of course. So, where should I turn, to find balance in my life and in my soul? Why, to Him, of course.

The problem, as usual, lies when I try to balance the scales in my own power. Because with me on one side of the scale -- in all my puny human-ness -- and Satan on the other, giggling gleefully as he throws everything all out of whack, I can't ever hope to bring things to an even keel. But if we turn to Him, like He yearns for us to do, then we can't help but find that justice -- that balance. With God on our side, Satan's blown right off the scale and God, in all His glory, can just breathe into our souls and there it is....all of the love, joy and peace we've been struggling to maintain....how could we find anything else in the arms of the Great I Am?

It's so funny....since I actually wrote down the verse about Paul and the scales falling from his eyes....I've had this inexplicable vision of some sort of a Philippians 4:13 superhero swooping in and saving the day just before the whole world is destroyed. Kind of like Bible Man and Wonder Woman all rolled into one....."Wonder-twin powers, activate!"

Holy guacamole!

2008-02-05T14:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, I admit it. I hate waiting. For anything....I am such an "instant gratification" girl. I like things to happen when I want them to happen and most of the time, when I want something, I want it yesterday. It can be a not-so-attractive quality for an adult, almost middle-aged woman (or is 35 considered already middle-aged?!). No, I don't throw tantrums...I don't throw myself on the floor and kick my feet, but that definitely isn't to say that I haven't wanted to at times. I have moments where it's all I can do NOT to throw that hissy fit, NOT to give in to that inner child who wants to be freed to scream and shout. However, for the most part, I have learned to refrain in an effort not to embarrass myself and to - slight clearing of throat here - teach my children appropriate behavior. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times..."It's okay to be angry...it's okay to be upset...it's not okay to throw a fit!" That said, I have to also confess that there have been some things over the past few years that the Lord has used to make me a more patient person....to get me more accustomed to waiting. One of those things was pregnancy. You have to wait a darn long time for that baby to grow. But it's like the most perfect, the most blessed gift when that baby arrives and is healthy. Those four long pregnancies taught me that waiting is so worth it in some cases.

However, despite those lessons, I am still not a big fan of waiting. I still generally hate it. I can see the need to wait sometimes. I can even see the wisdom of waiting sometimes. But I can honestly say that I still hate it. This is not a good thing for a number of reasons. The biggest one in my mind right now is that this inability to wait makes me loathe to wait for God's answers to our prayers. I believe His word. I believe that He has plans for us...as Jeremiah 29:11 says..."plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I just hate sitting back and waiting for those plans to come to fruition! I want the problem solved and I want it solved yesterday. None of that sitting in the desert and waiting for manna on a daily basis. And then I look at those Israelites and I think...do I have to sit in this desert (okay, it's a pretty nice, cozy house, but still....)....do I have to sit in this desert for 40 freaking years before we can come to some resolution here??? I definitely don't think I have the patience for that. I want to get this show on the road. But I don't want to be a victim of foolish and disastrous pride either. (Proverbs 1:23-28) I know that I can do nothing good without His hand in it. I want to be exactly where He would have me be. So, I pray. And I try so hard to listen. But, darn it, sometimes it's hard and sometimes I want to have that tantrum and I want God to put up a darn BOLD PRINTED road sign that tells me which way I'm supposed to go...what I'm supposed to do...what I'm supposed to say...who I'm supposed to say it to in order to make that difference in our lives.

So, on and off all day today, I'm having these thoughts. And a few minutes later, I turn the page on my devotional calendar and the Scripture was Genesis 39:23 -- "The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph's care, because the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did." So, even in prison, the Lord was with Joseph and made it all okay...granted him kindnesses and helped him find favor. These are the things I have been praying for...for John and myself as we commence these job searches. And there was my road sign. For the past few months, I have continually been questioning the wisdom of our past decisions and lamenting the fact that John ever took the job he is currently in jeopardy of losing. The commentary on that devotional calendar page today was by Hannah Whithall Smith and it said that "We are not wise enough to judge as to things, whether they are really in their essence joys or sorrows, but the Lord knows." And this was the physical reminder I needed that the Lord does indeed answer our prayers...He gives us insight that we need and reminds us who is in charge. I didn't have total peace yet. But I knew that He could give it to me at any moment and as the afternoon progressed, I was feeling calmer than I had before I turned that page on the calendar and I knew that that in itself was a gift.

Then later this afternoon, I was checking my e-mail for like the zillionth time...yes, impatience rearing it's ugly head once again...I was desperately waiting for a response from the company I interviewed with yesterday and I saw a teaser headline on Yahoo! about the Britney Spears situation. I am oddly and sadly fascinated by her plight over this past year or so....it has just made my heart ache and I am being honest when I say I have prayed for this girl, this celebrity that I don't even know...SO often. The girl is so young and so broken. She so needs God in her life. She's searching so hard for something to fill that God-sized hole in her heart and nothing is working. Now, they're saying the guy who was purported to be her friend and her ally, became her manager even...that he's been abusing her trust...drugging her and manipulating the media as well as her entire existence. She lost her marriage, her children...she's been alienated from her family and all of the friends she thought she had. She has wealth beyond imagining and every material thing she could want, but not happiness. Not peace. Not love. I found it very ironic a couple of months back when the news kept talking about how she was shopping for a chandelier for the entry way of her home when she was supposed to be spending quality time with her children. She was trying to bring light to her life. She needed to look up, but definitely not to a chandelier, Amen?

The spiritual warfare that we all face every day has played out in a very visual way in her life. This enemy came in and took over her life...stole everything from her. With lies, with enticements and reassurances that everything would get better. And desperate, she believed him...she trusted him. And he has very nearly destroyed her. My heart just breaks for her and her family. Those babies that need a mommy....need her love and her presence. Their mommy just needs her Father, though, His love and His presence.

Looking at that visual of the spiritual warfare in her life, I realized that there was a parallel between her battle and our own struggles this year. It was just spiritual warfare of a different type, perhaps. You see, John took this job in good faith that the owner of the company was being straight-forward with him, that all his promises of commission... enticements... would be a reality if we just be patient. We accepted this man's reassurances that it would all come out well in the end. We wanted to believe because, quite frankly, it sounded so good and was going to truly be our "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow, if you will. Well, if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. And in this case, this job and this man's promises have nearly destroyed us financially. I make us sound very greedy, but it really wasn't greed. The end result would have been -- should have been, rather -- that John would have been compensated on a level comensurate with the pay scale normal for the job, but it was so much more than we were used to that it seemed just huge to us. Thus, we viewed it as a blessing from God that he had been able to find the position, or that the position found him because that's the way it happened -- they asked John to take a position with their company. And how appropriate is that...that Satan enticed John away from a stable, secure position, knowing exactly what to do and say in order to do so. And so, we are realizing a little bit too late perhaps, that the man we tried to have faith in is, sadly, nothing more than a liar and a cheat. At this point, every week John brings home a paycheck and no pink slip, we just send up some thanks and pray for stability. This has been our lesson that our faith needs to be in the hands of the one from whom all blessings flow. Because contracts are only pieces of paper and promises man makes are nothing but hot air. Our faith needs to be in God and God alone. Because nothing else can fill His space in our hearts and nothing else is trustworthy. Even after I left the computer, I kept thinking how Britney so needs someone to guide her in His direction. That her life could be changed so instantly if only someone shared these truths with her.

So, while I was making dinner tonight (taco salad, thank you very much...Mmmm!) and trying to have the patience to explain to Braden every last thing I was doing as I was doing it....talk about IRONY!....I was also thinking over all these lessons of today. Yes, I am such a multi-tasker. Now, I have to wonder, though, is this multi-tasking a symptom of my impatience or just a mommy trying to make the most of her time??! Will I never be done with the lessons of today? (And for a day that I thought was pretty uneventful, there have been quite a few!!!) I was very appreciative that I had the very opportunity to be with my son while I was making dinner, a luxury that poor Britney doesn't have and probably doesn't even realize at this point what a blessing it could be for her. So, in the midst of smushing up avocado and chopping tomatoes, I stood there at the chopping board, realizing how everything, lesson-wise, for me over the past few weeks has been about trust, about faith. John's job difficulties over the past year, even these job searches we're on right now. I had this huge revelation that being impatient is one of my very biggest flaws. Perhaps *gasp* even my fatal flaw! I have known for a long time that I'm not a very patient person, however, I didn't realize how overpowering it is in my life...what a stronghold for the enemy that it is. I finally made a connection between my patience issues and my faith. Here I keep claiming to have faith in God and in His plan, but I realize that if I had faith, I wouldn't be inpatient. If I had true faith, I would just trust that everything is going to work out and I wouldn't be afraid of what tomorrow might bring. If I truly had faith, I wouldn't worry at all...I would automatically trust in God's timing and in His word.

I got that far in my thought processes before I had to serve dinner to my hungry people. I was kind of distant from them tonight because these things kept driving themselves through my brain. I couldn't focus on much else really. So, now, everyone is in bed and I sit here typing through my tears, friends. Sharing my shame with all of you!

I read recently that the direct opposite of faith is fear. If we're living in fear, we're not living in faith. That really impacted me at the time and I connected with it immediately...but I didn't connect it with my patience issues. Now, I'm thinking....could this be the reason that my husband doesn't visibly seem to worry very much? Is he so very secure in His faith? (Here, I've just been thinking it's arrogance or some sort of carelessness. Now who's arrogant?!) I've never claimed to be perfect, but is this the root of most of my problems? We will have been married for 9 years tomorrow and I am just now learning this about him, about me, about us? Am I really in truth afraid of what might happen if I stand still, if I sit still...that I don't have the patience to wait...not for an outcome, not for an answer, not for anyone else to step up to the plate? Oh, Lord, please help me!! I'm absolutely clueless. Here I was, thinking that I have some sort of insight about faith and how God can change lives...and how someone needed to share that insight Britney Spears.... and here I haven't yet gotten the message, taken it to heart myself!

For crying out loud... I am so ugly in my human-ness. Does my heart really need to be this broken every time for me to learn these lessons....do I have to batter my head against this brick wall every single time? Am I ever going to learn? *sigh*

And yet this I know is true... that God, in all His wisdom, loves me anyway. Ugly, bloody, broken. He loves me and thought me worthy of His life and His death. Again, I am so humbled by the grace He never fails to show me. By His very faithfulness in the face of my unconscious, but blatant faithlessness.

So, as I get on my knees tonight, I guess I need to add this to my prayer list: "Repent for being arrogant (or just plain dumb?) and definitely needing to add "clue" to my shopping list." I guess you could say that, "Oops, I did it again." HUGE *sigh*

Caution: Slippery When Wet

2008-01-25T20:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, this might be way TMI for some of you...I'll apologize ahead of time...but I really dislike sitting down on a wet toilet seat! And three different times today, this has happened! This just happens to be one of those times when I just really have to take issue with the "boys" in my house! I brought this up to my husband, knowing full well he hadn't been home, but imploring him to really have a conversation about "aim" with 6-year-old Braden. So, John jokes to Rebecca as she's on her way to the bathroom to make sure she goes "in" the potty, not "on" the potty. So, then, Rebecca tosses back a comment that "Daddy, I'm not a boy, I'm a woman!" (Her attitude conveyed "Come on, Daddy...don't you realize that yet?!") Given that she's not quite 8 yet, this just made John and I laugh out loud.

A little while later, the conversation happened to continue and we conceded that she was right, she is, indeed, a young woman. So, Conner (just turned three this month!) piped in that "Becca's not a woman, Becca's my girl!" Daddy then said, "Yes, Conner, Becca and Mommy are both your girls." (At this point in the conversation, my mind was occupied with the statistics of the thing....as we're outnumbered 4 to 2 in our house, I guess Becca and I should just get used to having wet hineys, eh?!) But then, my Conner surprised me, changing direction and adamantly replying to everyone that "Mommy's not a girl...Mommy's my people!" It was a really funny moment. I'm not the greatest storyteller, so you might have had to be there....

But Conner's comment really got me thinking. How brilliant are these babies sometimes??!! God gives them such loving, accepting hearts....they may recognize it, but they really don't care about gender, they don't care about race....all they see are the "people" around them. (I'll save for another post the fact that this is just proof that prejudices are taught, not inbred.) If there are judgements to be made in a child's mind or heart, they make the judgements based on how they are treated....how well they are loved. And even if they feel wronged, they have such forgiving natures. None of my four children hold grudges. They might remember what happened in a situation, but they don't hold onto the pain and hurt that might have resulted from it. "I'm sorry" still wipes the slate clean again for them....the tears are dried and all is well again.

But with God, it's even better because its said that He doesn't even remember our offenses. They're tossed into a sea of forgetfulness, with a "No Fishing!" sign posted next to it, telling us in no uncertain terms that we are not to pick up that sin again -- basically, "It's forgiven and it's forgotten...so just give it up already!" Jesus wiped our slate clean...and it's a simple process to start anew every day... every hour...every minute if we need to. That is still so amazing to me. Just how very complete....how unending His love for us is, how bottomless His forgiveness!

What it reminds me of.... My kids love those Fisher Price Magna Doodles....Spencer actually got a brand new one for Christmas this year, so now all 4 of the kiddos have one. These are the toys where you literally can wipe out what you draw with just the swipe of a lever. God's forgiveness for us is just like that. We can make just a little error or we can entirely blacken our souls with sin and it's no matter....all we have to do is repent to Him -- "Lord, forgive me!" -- and with that one request, He wipes it away forever. Again, doesn't that just beat all? How truly amazing is our God?

Acts 10:34b and 35.... (paraphrased) tell us that "God does not show favoritism but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right." So, the babies have the right of it, don't they? They love. They forgive. And the gospels tell us what Jesus himself said of the babies. Mark 10:14b-16.... ""Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter into it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."

Oh, friends, if I could be that child in His arms and receive that blessing. I can't wait for the day when I can gaze upon His face...the day that I can see the hands that took the nails for me. One of these days...I can only imagine. (Mixing the lyrics of my songs there, I realize!) But friends, what a gift our salvation is...I don't mean to sound preachy or like a totally broken record. These are just the times when I am just so humbled and so grateful for everything He's given me. For my babies -- they might have poor aim, but what loving little miracles every single one of them are!...for my husband who, no matter how bad his day, still comes home with a smile and a sense of humor...for my God who loves me and forgives me no matter my mistake...and for the Magna Doodles that occupy said babies for hours (and ya'll know what a gift that is!). Who would've thought it? Magna Doodle = A mirror of my soul. The Fisher Price people probably never even considered that marketing approach!! But I'll tell you, I appreciate anything that makes me step back and give Him thanks. And I figure, as silly as it is, He's smiling, too.

And to think that I had not only had time for this to come full circle in my mind (not any small blessing, let me tell you!), but that it all started with my wet hiney. I certainly never thought I'd be praising the Lord for that! But here we are. I should be wearing a sign! Bill Ingvall, eat your heart out.

Free pass??

2008-01-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

I was just writing an e-mail to a friend of mine and in relating to her a snippet of what's going on in our lives, I made the comment that I really wish we could get a "Free Pass" every once in a while on dealing with all the *stuff* in our lives....you all know the stuff I'm talking about....the emotional upheavals and physical blows of PMS, the beating we get from dealing with less-than-cooperative relatives, the bloody remains of our foreheads after we repeatedly beat our heads against all of those proverbial brick walls, I could go on and on here....but, for today, could I just get a pass on all the crap, please? Pretty please? I'm just not feeling very strong today and would really just like a day to curl up in my bed with my warm, cozy comforter and a nice, juicy novel....maybe a yummy latte and a bowl of Cashew Poppycock by my side. Or just to sleep...yes, sleep sounds especially tempting right about now. Children, what children? Diapers, forget about 'em. Dinner, schminner.

Then I sat here a moment longer and contemplated my own...human-ness, I guess. I really - NO, I mean REALLY - suck as a human being sometimes. I rant and rail at my husband for things that are at times beyond his control. I sometimes expect my children to just somehow understand what I want from them without explaining myself. And I expect the world to just cooperate when I want a break. Why should I get a break? I mean, I have it pretty easy, right? That isn't to say that my life is perfect -- whose is, really? -- and my husband and kids do take me for granted quite a lot, but overall....my life is pretty great. Why should I get a break today?

You probably know where I'm going with this.....If I, when the going gets "rough", think..."Hey, time out....I need to rest....to re-think....to rejuvenate." If I think this way, in the midst of my admittedly cozy, comfortable existance, what exactly must Jesus have been going through when he was hanging on the cross, experiencing possibly the most excrutiating pain known to man? He even knew His fate beforehand and yet, didn't run from it....He faced it and He endured it....for me. Color me humbled. I worry about time, finances...I think "Oooooh, I'm bloated today. Ugh." In the grand scheme of the universe, of us as a creation of God, what is my deal?! Bad, Staci! Since when is it okay for me to worry, to fret, to overanalyze? I realize, mind you, that I am only human. But like I said, I REALLY suck even in that capacity sometimes. My job is to trust, to strive to be like Jesus. Why am I not trusting right now? I am allowing Satan to wiggle his little way into my consciousness (unconsciously, of course) and I am complaining. Okay, let's be honest....I've got a whine going on that just won't quit.

I work on one area of my life that needs help and it seems the scale becomes unbalanced in another area. Is it this way for everyone? I am I really so different than all my counterparts out there? Does anyone else struggle with these issues or am I just obsessing because my life is empty and unfulfilling and so I think WAY too much?! No, I really am not as depressed a being as this post may suggest. It is just this moment, I'm sure. And maybe this is the path to enlightenment. Some days, I think I would feel better about me...about my human-ness, if it was just a little less bright around here! I don't fall into the trap of believing that ignorance equates to bliss, but sometimes sunglasses go along way to bolstering my self-esteem.

But this I know for sure today....I am SO humbled and eternally grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for me....He gave me the freedom to PMS very boldly and then the ability to beg forgiveness from my husband and children for the sometimes confusing, for the sometimes loud, for the "don't-you-ignore-me!" opinions that I spout from time to time. There are occasions where said opinions are quite justified, but there are, unfortunately, occasions when I should just take a deep breath, count to about 554, and take my Poppycock into a closet for a few minutes of peace and quiet (although in my house, muffled may be as close to quiet as it comes). And so, for today, I will be honored to take my "Do not pass go, Do not collect $200" card and retreat quietly to my nice, cozy, comfortable, slightly dusty, shabby-chic jail and contemplate what my life would be like if God had decided we didn't deserve His "free pass." Because here I sat blathering on about how I need one and duh....I've had one all along. Crunch-n-munch, anyone? *sigh*

Liftoff....

2008-01-21T15:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, so after a lot of searching my heart -- and my mind -- for whether or not this blogging thing is for me, I feel I had a breakthrough (not a breakout, luckily for my face) today when it just felt like the Lord was speaking the title of the blog to me. Now, I'm taking this for what it seemed to me at the time....a message from Him....we're hoping that this is not just some subconscious regurgitation of something that I've heard elsewhere coming back up now to deceive me. Then again, taking things for their face value is not necessarily interesting reading for those of you who may check in here to see what I've been up to....so we'll try to keep that to a minimal.

I am having a day....I'm doing spontaneous word association for some reason. Breakthrough...breakout...face....face value...Proactiv....Proactive. Now that is a word for the wise...proactive. Let me count the ways I relate to and want to resemble this word! Not the least of which is keeping my zits in check, let me just begin by saying! (I think any of you girls can understand.) However, in my life overall, proactivity equates to organization which in turn equates to a much, much more soothing and tranquil existence. And let me tell you, after the chaos that is my life sometimes, I am SO all about peace....serenity....tranquility. All of which then equate to low blood pressure and good sleep. And have I mentioned lately how much I love my sleep?! Anyhoo....my life as a proactive being: I am being proactive when I prepare for dinner in the morning instead of at 6 p.m.....I am being proactive when I keep up on Mt. St. Laundry instead of letting it erupt out of my bathroom....I am being proactive when I stick to my budget instead of walking through Costco and Target with what feel like magnetic shopping carts, attracting everything they pass by...I am being proactive when I prepare for going to church by praying beforehand that He will lead the way for us to make it there in a timely and loving manner...I am being proactive when I pray for my husband as I go to sleep so that the coming day and his commute could/would/should go that much more smoothly....I am being proactive when I take the time to speak kindly to my children instead of losing my temper and shouting when life goes awry....I am being proactive when I decide that the upkeep and maintenance of our lives shouldn't take up all of every day....we should still be able to have time to LIVE and to enjoy each other. And so, finally....(realization dawning....sunrise pictured in background of thought) I guess being proactive to me, sometimes means letting go of all the small stuff -- and isn't that what all the other stuff really is? God...family....love. That's what my bottom line should be. Wanting an organized life....an organized mind....not to mentioned organized cabinets and drawers (remembering another blog post I read recently)...all of that is fine and good, but I need to be proactive where it counts and keep my focus on the goal, right? Eternal proactivity is going to be a lot more rewarding --- for me and for my family --- say in about oh, 2000 years, than the most organized meal-planner, bargain shopper, and laundry zealot known to man.

Okay, so the dawning of the age of awareness (or should that be wariness?) has begun....how to implement said enlightenment into my life? Because just letting it all go....is SO not my specialty. I'm thinking this through as I type, so bear with me. I'm the queen of planning, the queen of make-it-happen....not so good at leaving things to chance. Oh....okay, I see God's sense of humor here....can you see it? Or have you known all along and are just patiently waiting for me to catch up? This is His challenge to me....to trust Him...to let Him take care of it. Well, He probably won't be visiting this week to help me catch up on the laundry, but I get it. I love that I'm learning a lesson while just trying to be obedient and follow His lead. So, here we go.......I will try to get all my maintenance and organization "stuff" done in the first two days of the week (Monday and Tuesday)....the rest of the week, I will focus on schoolwork for Becca and Braden and spending quality time with all of the kids...and with God. The weekends, well....we're good at letting God lead us wherever He decides on the weekends, but I will vow that I'll try to get all the shopping/maintenance/organization stuff done either in the early morning hours of the weekend (you have to be aware, now, that this is my sacrifice....I'm giving up my sleeping in for the sake of obedience!) or after the kids are in bed. That way, the majority of the days are open for whatever needs to happen for the family. Okay, that sounds like a plan. Of course, as we've all heard, good intentions paved the road to he**. But we're hoping and praying that isn't the case here. A little awareness...as well as a little wariness!...can only be a good thing. In life and in cyberspace. And now, I shall close this posting out as my time for ranting has officially run out....not that my mind has run out of rants, mind you. But we'll save those for next time. (Maybe I should have entitled the blog The Mindless Rantings of an Overextended Perfectionist???) Never mind. If I don't cut myself off now, I never will. Houston....we have liftoff.