Okay, I admit it. I hate waiting. For anything....I am such an "instant gratification" girl. I like things to happen when I want them to happen and most of the time, when I want something, I want it yesterday. It can be a not-so-attractive quality for an adult, almost middle-aged woman (or is 35 considered already middle-aged?!). No, I don't throw tantrums...I don't throw myself on the floor and kick my feet, but that definitely isn't to say that I haven't wanted to at times. I have moments where it's all I can do NOT to throw that hissy fit, NOT to give in to that inner child who wants to be freed to scream and shout. However, for the most part, I have learned to refrain in an effort not to embarrass myself and to - slight clearing of throat here - teach my children appropriate behavior. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times..."It's okay to be angry...it's okay to be upset...it's not okay to throw a fit!" That said, I have to also confess that there have been some things over the past few years that the Lord has used to make me a more patient person....to get me more accustomed to waiting. One of those things was pregnancy. You have to wait a darn long time for that baby to grow. But it's like the most perfect, the most blessed gift when that baby arrives and is healthy. Those four long pregnancies taught me that waiting is so worth it in some cases.
However, despite those lessons, I am still not a big fan of waiting. I still generally hate it. I can see the need to wait sometimes. I can even see the wisdom of waiting sometimes. But I can honestly say that I still hate it. This is not a good thing for a number of reasons. The biggest one in my mind right now is that this inability to wait makes me loathe to wait for God's answers to our prayers. I believe His word. I believe that He has plans for us...as Jeremiah 29:11 says..."plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I just hate sitting back and waiting for those plans to come to fruition! I want the problem solved and I want it solved yesterday. None of that sitting in the desert and waiting for manna on a daily basis. And then I look at those Israelites and I think...do I have to sit in this desert (okay, it's a pretty nice, cozy house, but still....)....do I have to sit in this desert for 40 freaking years before we can come to some resolution here??? I definitely don't think I have the patience for that. I want to get this show on the road. But I don't want to be a victim of foolish and disastrous pride either. (Proverbs 1:23-28) I know that I can do nothing good without His hand in it. I want to be exactly where He would have me be. So, I pray. And I try so hard to listen. But, darn it, sometimes it's hard and sometimes I want to have that tantrum and I want God to put up a darn BOLD PRINTED road sign that tells me which way I'm supposed to go...what I'm supposed to do...what I'm supposed to say...who I'm supposed to say it to in order to make that difference in our lives.
So, on and off all day today, I'm having these thoughts. And a few minutes later, I turn the page on my devotional calendar and the Scripture was Genesis 39:23 -- "The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph's care, because the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did." So, even in prison, the Lord was with Joseph and made it all okay...granted him kindnesses and helped him find favor. These are the things I have been praying for...for John and myself as we commence these job searches. And there was my road sign. For the past few months, I have continually been questioning the wisdom of our past decisions and lamenting the fact that John ever took the job he is currently in jeopardy of losing. The commentary on that devotional calendar page today was by Hannah Whithall Smith and it said that "We are not wise enough to judge as to things, whether they are really in their essence joys or sorrows, but the Lord knows." And this was the physical reminder I needed that the Lord does indeed answer our prayers...He gives us insight that we need and reminds us who is in charge. I didn't have total peace yet. But I knew that He could give it to me at any moment and as the afternoon progressed, I was feeling calmer than I had before I turned that page on the calendar and I knew that that in itself was a gift.
Then later this afternoon, I was checking my e-mail for like the zillionth time...yes, impatience rearing it's ugly head once again...I was desperately waiting for a response from the company I interviewed with yesterday and I saw a teaser headline on Yahoo! about the Britney Spears situation. I am oddly and sadly fascinated by her plight over this past year or so....it has just made my heart ache and I am being honest when I say I have prayed for this girl, this celebrity that I don't even know...SO often. The girl is so young and so broken. She so needs God in her life. She's searching so hard for something to fill that God-sized hole in her heart and nothing is working. Now, they're saying the guy who was purported to be her friend and her ally, became her manager even...that he's been abusing her trust...drugging her and manipulating the media as well as her entire existence. She lost her marriage, her children...she's been alienated from her family and all of the friends she thought she had. She has wealth beyond imagining and every material thing she could want, but not happiness. Not peace. Not love. I found it very ironic a couple of months back when the news kept talking about how she was shopping for a chandelier for the entry way of her home when she was supposed to be spending quality time with her children. She was trying to bring light to her life. She needed to look up, but definitely not to a chandelier, Amen?
The spiritual warfare that we all face every day has played out in a very visual way in her life. This enemy came in and took over her life...stole everything from her. With lies, with enticements and reassurances that everything would get better. And desperate, she believed him...she trusted him. And he has very nearly destroyed her. My heart just breaks for her and her family. Those babies that need a mommy....need her love and her presence. Their mommy just needs her Father, though, His love and His presence.
Looking at that visual of the spiritual warfare in her life, I realized that there was a parallel between her battle and our own struggles this year. It was just spiritual warfare of a different type, perhaps. You see, John took this job in good faith that the owner of the company was being straight-forward with him, that all his promises of commission... enticements... would be a reality if we just be patient. We accepted this man's reassurances that it would all come out well in the end. We wanted to believe because, quite frankly, it sounded so good and was going to truly be our "pot of gold" at the end of the rainbow, if you will. Well, if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. And in this case, this job and this man's promises have nearly destroyed us financially. I make us sound very greedy, but it really wasn't greed. The end result would have been -- should have been, rather -- that John would have been compensated on a level comensurate with the pay scale normal for the job, but it was so much more than we were used to that it seemed just huge to us. Thus, we viewed it as a blessing from God that he had been able to find the position, or that the position found him because that's the way it happened -- they asked John to take a position with their company. And how appropriate is that...that Satan enticed John away from a stable, secure position, knowing exactly what to do and say in order to do so. And so, we are realizing a little bit too late perhaps, that the man we tried to have faith in is, sadly, nothing more than a liar and a cheat. At this point, every week John brings home a paycheck and no pink slip, we just send up some thanks and pray for stability. This has been our lesson that our faith needs to be in the hands of the one from whom all blessings flow. Because contracts are only pieces of paper and promises man makes are nothing but hot air. Our faith needs to be in God and God alone. Because nothing else can fill His space in our hearts and nothing else is trustworthy. Even after I left the computer, I kept thinking how Britney so needs someone to guide her in His direction. That her life could be changed so instantly if only someone shared these truths with her.
So, while I was making dinner tonight (taco salad, thank you very much...Mmmm!) and trying to have the patience to explain to Braden every last thing I was doing as I was doing it....talk about IRONY!....I was also thinking over all these lessons of today. Yes, I am such a multi-tasker. Now, I have to wonder, though, is this multi-tasking a symptom of my impatience or just a mommy trying to make the most of her time??! Will I never be done with the lessons of today? (And for a day that I thought was pretty uneventful, there have been quite a few!!!) I was very appreciative that I had the very opportunity to be with my son while I was making dinner, a luxury that poor Britney doesn't have and probably doesn't even realize at this point what a blessing it could be for her. So, in the midst of smushing up avocado and chopping tomatoes, I stood there at the chopping board, realizing how everything, lesson-wise, for me over the past few weeks has been about trust, about faith. John's job difficulties over the past year, even these job searches we're on right now. I had this huge revelation that being impatient is one of my very biggest flaws. Perhaps *gasp* even my fatal flaw! I have known for a long time that I'm not a very patient person, however, I didn't realize how overpowering it is in my life...what a stronghold for the enemy that it is. I finally made a connection between my patience issues and my faith. Here I keep claiming to have faith in God and in His plan, but I realize that if I had faith, I wouldn't be inpatient. If I had true faith, I would just trust that everything is going to work out and I wouldn't be afraid of what tomorrow might bring. If I truly had faith, I wouldn't worry at all...I would automatically trust in God's timing and in His word.
I got that far in my thought processes before I had to serve dinner to my hungry people. I was kind of distant from them tonight because these things kept driving themselves through my brain. I couldn't focus on much else really. So, now, everyone is in bed and I sit here typing through my tears, friends. Sharing my shame with all of you!
I read recently that the direct opposite of faith is fear. If we're living in fear, we're not living in faith. That really impacted me at the time and I connected with it immediately...but I didn't connect it with my patience issues. Now, I'm thinking....could this be the reason that my husband doesn't visibly seem to worry very much? Is he so very secure in His faith? (Here, I've just been thinking it's arrogance or some sort of carelessness. Now who's arrogant?!) I've never claimed to be perfect, but is this the root of most of my problems? We will have been married for 9 years tomorrow and I am just now learning this about him, about me, about us? Am I really in truth afraid of what might happen if I stand still, if I sit still...that I don't have the patience to wait...not for an outcome, not for an answer, not for anyone else to step up to the plate? Oh, Lord, please help me!! I'm absolutely clueless. Here I was, thinking that I have some sort of insight about faith and how God can change lives...and how someone needed to share that insight Britney Spears.... and here I haven't yet gotten the message, taken it to heart myself!
For crying out loud... I am so ugly in my human-ness. Does my heart really need to be this broken every time for me to learn these lessons....do I have to batter my head against this brick wall every single time? Am I ever going to learn? *sigh*
And yet this I know is true... that God, in all His wisdom, loves me anyway. Ugly, bloody, broken. He loves me and thought me worthy of His life and His death. Again, I am so humbled by the grace He never fails to show me. By His very faithfulness in the face of my unconscious, but blatant faithlessness.
So, as I get on my knees tonight, I guess I need to add this to my prayer list: "Repent for being arrogant (or just plain dumb?) and definitely needing to add "clue" to my shopping list." I guess you could say that, "Oops, I did it again." HUGE *sigh*
